(The following Q&A is being brought to you as a public service, and because some blog guru with the personality of kelp said Q&A’s were just HUGE when it comes to driving traffic and making Google your bitch.)
Q: If LeBron James were 5-4 inches tall like the blog, would the blog be able to take his lunch money and make him cry like a little girl?
A: Totally. And shove that stupid headband where the sun don’t shine. Even in Miami.
Q: Is Hillary Clinton preparing to run for president in 2016 with daughter Billary, or whatever her name is, as vice-president?
A: Yes, but it’s secret, because for Hillary to create this ticket, she will actually have to kill Bill. And even then, keeping him out of the White House will require the Secret Service to hire 10,000 zombie hunters.
Q: Did one of the two largest New Zealand broadcasters go into receivership today because the previous owners paid about nine hundred gazillion billion schlamillion dollars too much a couple of years ago, and what will the impact be on HogsAteMySister?
A: Yes and we don’t know. New Zealanders have been assured that X Factor New Zealand (a crime against humanity) and The GC (think Kardashians and Himbos on the Aussie Gold Coast) will continue to spew on the airwaves. But there has been no public comment about HOGSPEW. So we will just have to wait. And possibly turn on the TV news. Although that seems pretty drastic.
Q: Are you sick to death of people in America making Facebook comments about eating TexMex and putting up photos of them BBQ’ing huge pieces of tender, mouth-watering cow?
A: Yes, but there is no truth to the rumor that we leaked secret information to the GSA that links them to Edward Snowden and Wendi Deng, so they should not worry about the tear gas and pounding on their front doors that will happen in about 15 minutes.
Q: Are you concerned that, as you limp toward the big 6-0, that you are losing some of your manhoods, and that all of your X, Y and Z Chromosomes have leaked out all over the floor?
A: We’re supposed to have Z Chromosomes??? My lack of Z’s may be why we actually watched and liked Les Misérables on the weekend, and that, today, we had to wear the “joke” undies because all the Jockeys were in the laundry, and we sort of liked it.
Q: Has the Tom Cruise Danger Mouse that’s been running rogue in your house enjoyed the little green deadly poison bombs of exploding-but-humane death?
A. We have no idea what you are talking about. But we did see a mouse-sized Last Will and Testament under the kitchen table. Heeheehee.
Q: Even though you won two free tickets to see The Internship starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, are you really going to go see a movie that scored 34% on the Rotten Tomatometer? Really?
A: We learned long ago as a reporter that “if it’s free, it’s good.” So the answer is yes. But we will be wearing a wig and a big, fake nose, which means we will look exactly like Owen’s Mini-Me.
Q: Is it true that Dallas Cowboys owner, and legend, Jerry Jones planned to give quarterback Tony Romo a $900 trillion contract and then sign Tim Tebow to give Tony a little competition and a total Mark Sanchez brain fart?
Q: Does it trouble you that the two most popular posts on this alleged humor blog for months have been about the Lake Waco Triple Murders and the satirical 10 Ugly Mistakes That Women Make That Ruin Any Chance of a Relationship?
A: No, but that explains Fox News.
Q: Did we just make ourselves laugh aloud with the finale Q&A that will go down in the annals of humor as an all-timer, and then forget it when putting all the Q&A’s in bold?
A: Shut up…
Q: Did you just remember it again?
Q: The greatest boffo funny ending of all time?
A: Yes indeedy. This ending features two links to the funniest images on the entire internets, finally making Google our bitch. Let the beeg monies begin to pour in.
Q: And do you plan to share these links with us?
It doesn’t get better than this.
The other night I was watching West Wing, eating cashews and drinking a nice New Zealand red wine.
Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a furry blur. The kind that makes you wonder whether you really saw something.
But, since this happened a day after the Missus shouted at the top of her lungs, and I quote:
I knew we had a furry little visitor, and I don’t mean Toby Ziegler.
My paternal grandmother, Bertha, made the greatest fried bread the world has ever known. It melted in your mouth. It did not even need syrup to be wonderful.
Grandma Bertha was also one of the sweetest women to ever walk on the face of this Earth.
But, in her latter years, she got a little whiffy, as we all do.
Her strategy for managing this situation was notes.
Notes in the Kitchen:
“Chew My Food Well” and “Say Grace Before Meals.”
Notes in the living room:
“Give Grandpa his evening medicines before going to bed, even if he does not want them and I can’t sleep.”
Notes in the bathroom:
“Wash my hair every Tuesday, unless it falls in a week.”
Sadly, I must admit that we mocked Grandma Bertha’s notes. Not to her face, of course. But my older sisters and I had some serious mockdown laugh-fests over those notes.
Especially “Chew My Food Well” because “well” was underlined three times, in bold, hard-pressed, pencil lines. Make NO mistake, Grandma meant business when it came to chewing her food well. God rest her sweet soul.
The longer you live overseas, the less you feel tethered to the American mothership.
This month, I’ve been overseas for 20 years, and I’ve missed so much.
To put this into perspective… I was in New Zealand, half a world away from America, when:
– The Murrah Building was bombed
– Gulf War II was launched
– The horrific 9/11 attacks happened.
Because I was not on home soil when America was attacked — first by our own crazies in OKC and then by jihadders in NYC and Washington, D.C. — I never felt “personally” threatened. Those two hideous events were not directly — emotionally or intellectually — encoded into my “threat” DNA.
So I am different. I will never be able to think, or more importantly, to feel, like most Americans, especially on matters of terrorism and national security, because they were attacked on the very soil they were standing on.
I was not. I was standing on New Zealand soil. And that made a big difference.
I have a new shoulder thing.
My physiotherapist is not sure whether it was caused by extending my Little Giant ladder or because, at 57, my body is crumbling and returning to the Earth.
So I have been given yet another set of rehabilitation exercises to do.
These are different from the neck and lower back exercises that I am supposed to do religiously, but which I forget to do until my back gets all stabby.
These new rehab exercises are the weeniest ever.
I need to be working.
But for the last four hours or more, I’ve been glued to my laptop.
I’m watching live coverage of the horrific Category 5 tornado that has devastated Moore, Oklahoma, which is about 10 minutes north of my hometown.
Very early in the piece, KFOR’s weatherman said this two-and-a-quarter mile wide, killer tornado had caused at least three times as much damage as the monster tornado that smashed much of this same area back in May 1999.