So, Christmas is approaching, and you are wondering whether it would be totally bitchin if *Santa brought you an artificial arm.
Don’t be stupid. Of course the answer is YES. Here are 10 proofs.
1. When there’s a wounded bee or scorpion or rattlesnake on the floor, while others are freaking out, you can casually pick it up without worrying about being envenomated.
2. If you forget to rent a costume for Halloween, just slap on an eye patch, put a toy sword in your belt and, boom, you are so Capt. Hook. (Crocodile optional).
3. When you are growing up, it will be the perfect springboard for creative nicknames: starting with Capt. Hook (sorry, Marty, that I punched your lights out for that when we were six years old), and including One-Armed Tank (football) and One-Armed Bandit (when you hustle pool).
4. It causes great consternation to the locals in rural Malaysia… where there is no toilet paper… and people wipe their butts with their left hand and wash it off with a jug of water that’s next to the squat toilets… so when you are introduced to them and, just before they shake your right hand, they notice you have no left hand, and think you lost it in Vietnam, and then wonder how you wipe your butt… before realizing it MUST be with your right hand… the hand they are about to shake. And in their heads they shriek **Alamak!
5. When some drunk at a bar is being a major douche, shaking everyone’s hand with his toy robotic hand, you can steal his thunder every time by shaking his robot hand with your real life hook. (Plus also, we hear that if one has consumed enough adult beverages, and a substantial bet has been made, one can climb a telephone pool using the hook. Although this is an unsubstantiated, malicious rumor.)
6. Post 9/11, you will get so much personal attention in airports. You will be, scanned, patted down, and swabbed, while one security officer takes photos of you being swabbed, and another security officer videos you being swabbed and photographed. Then the swab will be put through a machine so they can tell if you are a bomb-making terrorist and about to receive special handling by Navy SEALs.
7. When you play high school football, you can remove your hook and cover the artificial arm with a giant foam pad. The refs will watch you like a hawk to ensure you do not club the opposition into submission. This means the refs will not notice when you use your good hand to remove numerous internal organs from opposing players. If you were so inclined. Not that we are suggesting anything.
8. When a savage, viscous slobbery killer canine has a real desire to eat one of your appendages, you can let him savagely chomp down on a sharp piece of stainless steel, which will ruin his whole day.
9. Chicks of all ages will be ***totally attracted to you as if you were Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Dr. Strangelove all rolled into one.
10. If you are ever at a monster party, with only non-screw-top bottled beer to drink, and no one brought a bottle opener, you will be made King. Because you have a built-in bottle opener. So there’s that.
BONUS: For Christmas, if you give a McLennan County Texas Sheriff one of your old hooks to keep on his desk for holding telephone messages, your life as a police reporter will get way easier as your “fame” spreads.
* This is the most-requested item every year (Elves R Us, 2011)
** “Oh giant poo balls” (edited). And OF COURSE you carry toilet paper. Duh.
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