With age comes wisdom.
Sadly, it comes about the same time as Alzheimers.
So I thought I should write down 10 proven tips for combating Middle-Age Onset Brainfarts.
1. When you go to the mall, always park by the Pizza Hut. It doesn’t matter if you have to circle for hours. Just do it. Then you will always remember where you parked your car. (If your mall has no Pizza Hut, shop elsewhere.)
2. When you are parking near the Pizza Hut, do NOT park next to the stupid return place for grocery store shopping carts. Else, an hour later, when you are backing out, you will forget you parked next to the stupid grocery cart return thingee that is made out of steel poles that, at a maximum, stand just 36 inches tall, which is just below window level. And since you will NOT SEE the steel poles, you will think the parking space next to you is VACANT, so you will cut your wheels as you back out in order to make a QUICK GET-AWAY. Which will make a very BAD IMPRESSION on your fellow shoppers. And your SPOUSE’S DOOR.
3. As you drive your car, hither and yon, do not curse at stupid pedestrians who wander into your path in a daze, and especially do not honk in anger at the maroons driving the wrong way down one-way streets or lanes or alleys. Because if you do, five minutes later, YOU will be that oblivious pedestrian or the motoring maroon going the wrong way. It is karma.
4. When you are still dressed in nice clothes, after work or church, or possibly a court appearance, do not stop in your yard to do anything — not to pick a single weed or scoop up a single dog poop. Else you will end up doing 19 other small things, at least one of which will stain your good clothes and cause great consternation in your household.
5. When you sit down at the computer, and take off your normal glasses to put on your computer glasses, always, every damn time, put the normal glasses in the SAME place on the SAME shelf. This will save you approximately 2 1/2 years of looking. And you will sit on them less frequently.
6. You know how those darn kids of today don’t have any pockets? How they carry their keys and cell phones and skinny wallets everywhere in their hands? And then set them down, all over the place, but always remember where they put them down? The jerks. Well, YOU ARE NOT one of those kids who can remember stuff. So if your keys are NOT in the car ignition or the front door, and if you are not actually talking on your smart phone or using some cool app like the one that makes your phone look like a beer, the keys and your smart phone must immediately, AND WE MEAN RIGHT NOW, be placed in your purse or pocket. We are NOT KIDDING. (Note: if you cannot find your keys, in order to put them back in your purse or pocket where they belong, try the front door lock, or the car ignition. Failing that, the mailbox or the sock drawer.)
7. Never — not even if a new internet provider offers you 900 years of free uber fast broadband and your own personal help desk, operated in your own personal living room by either Jennifer Aniston or George Clooney; not even if your present internet supplier is convicted of white slavery or funding the presidential campaign of Rick Perry; not even if they guarantee to help you lose 10 pounds — never, never, never change your internet provider. Because you will then have to change your email address and 10,000 passwords and log-ins and special security codes and smart phone apps needed to locate your missing phone using GPS and make it ring using magic even if it’s in “silent” mode in the mailbox or sock drawer. Because, in the end, you will kill yourself.
8. We STRONGLY urge you to AVOID ALL YARD WORK. Because if you clean up the JUNGLE before the relatives show up, and it’s hot so you wear a T-shirt and shorts, you will at some point make the very bad decision of pulling out harmless looking ivy that, lo and behold, will unleash the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse onto your body. And despite attacking the Rash of the Apocalypse with a 20-year-old-brought-from-America-in-the-trademarked-orange box of Arm & Hammer baking soda, a range of lotions and potions, broad-spectrum antibiotics and an eight-day course of steroids, weeks later you will STILL itch and look like you slept on a griddle.
9. In regards to Tip No. 8, if you even CONSIDERED doing just a FEW THINGS while the bathtub was filling with hot water and baking soda so that you could soak your itchy poison ivy-covered body, and you sort of got sidetracked with watching the late news, that would be a VERY BAD THING to do.
10. If you are on the downhill side of Middle Age, the laws of physics will transmorgrify the laws of thermodynamics so that the actual calories in every single food that you love will increase by a factor of 10, meanwhile the amount of calories you burn while exercising vigorously, by scratching, will decrease by 9,000%, leaving a HUGE CALORIE GAP. And because Nature abhors a vacuum, this gap will be filled by lard. So just forget about exercising and counting calories, and remember to buy really huge stretch pants with big pockets.
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