1. I was born in 1956. That was just before they invented dirt.
2. I do buttons. Like on shirts and old car radios. Smart Phones have scratchible touch screens. Oh yeah, and my left hand is a hook.
3. My previous staff voted unanimously, and were quite strident, that I never, on any occasion, even if the building was on fire, be allowed to touch any computer, printer, VCR, DVD or even red felt-tip markers which could not be erased.
4. I had to ring my old cell phone from our home phone to find it last week. My wife, inside the house, heard my cellphone ringing outside the house, in the bushes she thought. Which was absurd and insulting. Because it was in the mailbox. Shut up.
5. My freebie Winzip program has expired on my laptop. So, even though I downloaded the manual for my new smart phone, I cannot print it, open it or read it. So I am all stymied here. I think I hit a firewall or something.
6. I have been known to drop cheap cell phones in toilets (just once), use them to gently hammer in small nails (just once, well, okay, maybe twice), and occasionally drop them from a great height at McDonald’s after using them as a paperweight while trying to read a newspaper on one of those stupid, tall round tables.
7. When the 23-year-old who just boomeranged back home heard that I got a smart phone, I could tell by the way his eyes rolled back in his head that he was thinking, “why not also buy a nuclear submarine, because you would be equally adept at operating that.”
8. A smart phone is really only of value if it can “be smart” with your laptop, Gmail, Facebook, and possibly the toaster, but unless junior is home, or I can borrow an Orangutan from the zoo to help me, this is not going to happen.
9. Even though the smart phone was free, and comes with a whizzy new $300 thingee that is supposed to give us actual “bars” in our house, the whizzy thingee also appears to be “made of technologies”, so it’s not looking good.
10. Although there is no *hard evidence linking the two events, authorities are concerned that the U.S. lost a super-secret stealth drone over Iran at approximately the same time I was attempting to insert technologies into my smart phone with my Swiss army knife.
* But since we cannot unzip the smart phone manual, we are not 100% certain about that.
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