Super Bowl Humor
If you’re planning to attend Super Bowl XLV, here are 10 super tips to make your Super Sunday unforgettable.
1. Fans are encouraged to bring their weapons. After the Black Eyed Peas perform at halftime, 100 wild turkeys with Cartier 10-carat diamond necklaces will be dropped from the JumboTron.
2. There is NO NEED for fans to come all bundled up in winter wear. JerryDome is being kept warm at a toasty 72 degrees, thanks to electricity that is being diverted from Texas kindergartens, hospitals and nursing homes. In Texas, football is THE essential service.
3. Tailgate parties have already begun. For only $900 per person, fans can use the JerryDome drive-thru, get a beer and an order of nachos (cheese costs extra), and enjoy the amazing pre-Super Bowl atmosphere for up to 15 minutes. “Jerry likes to open things up to the little people that make this such a great country.”
4. ESPN is investigating a rumor that the hometown Dallas Cowboys are still planning to play in Super Bowl XLV despite having a 6-10 record. When asked about this rumor, Owner/GM Jerry Jones gave his trademark reptilian smile. (Note: Packers and Steelers fans should bring Cowboys regalia just in case.)
5. Fans should also bring their Ghostbusters Proton Packs to combat increased paranormal activity at Super Bowl XLV. “When Jerry Jones was quoted as saying ‘you couldn’t have drawn it up, for me, any better,’ the whole stadium lifted off its foundation and spun wildly for at least 30 seconds. There was an apparition of an old guy in a hat, but only Tex Schramm got a good look at him.”
6. Fans MUST NOT bring any food, beverages, shirts, pants, underwear, dresses, hats, socks, shoes, prescription medicines or pacemakers into the stadium. “JerryDome is equipped to meet every need, from clothing to heart-lung transplants. And individual credit lines of up to $10,000 can be arranged each quarter.”
7. VIPs will enjoy hospitality from the Boss Hog himself. They’ll get to blindfold and spin ol’ Jerruh around as he plays “pin the tail on the NFL donkey” to choose the Cowboys’ first round draft pick.
8. Management assures fans in the Super Duper Economy seats (under $100,000 and over 5,000 feet above sea level) that emergency masks will be deployed if oxygen levels drop below a fixed level. Visa and Amex accepted.
9. To accommodate advertisers, each quarter will last exactly nine hours. Halftime activities have been compressed to three weeks – four weeks if Jerry successfully has Michael Jackson raised from the dead.
10. Finally, fans who attend Super Bowl XLV are urged to keep their gold-plated souvenir ticket stubs. When the next Super Bowl is played at JerryDome, those ticket stubs and $99 can be redeemed for a Cowboys We’re No. 1 Beer’n’Nachos Platter (beer and cheese extra).
Remember to go here for free Hog Tweets at HogsAteMySister.