1. Just to be clear. If our All Blacks don’t win the Cup this time, all 4.5 million of us kiwis will commit suicide. Do you really want that on your conscience?
4. We’re certain (wink) that you wouldn’t be interested in knowing we’ve legalized prostitution (wink). But if you were, you’d want to practice “safe tourism” while in NZ. Wink. This chap didn’t.
6. Dear American visitors: Please note: Rugby is not NFL football. A rugby match is played in less time than it takes you to get a snack (beer, corndog, hotdog and $20 nachos) back home. Also note: nachos really suck in New Zealand. Get a meat pie.
7. You Pommy bastards: We never liked you. And now you’re going to wear BLACK jerseys on our paddock??? We’re going to bloody do you, mate.
8. Dear Aussie cousins: You may own all our banks, be five times our size, and have a boomer economy. But the AB’s will make Dingo Dean’s Wallabies into dog tucker. And, as a nation, we’ll take great pleasure in mocking your ridiculous accent. Rilly.
9. Frenchie: We hold no grudge about your knocking us out of the quarter finals three years ago. And we have nothing special in mind for you froggies. Nothing special at all, except possibly when you pass through Customs.
10. And, finally, to our South African Friends: You are the Cup holders. We’ve always respected the Springboks. And we’ll do everything in our power to give you something memorable to put on your wall back home.
Just having you on. Yeah, no, regardless of where you come from, you are all welcome in Aotearoa for the Rugby World Cup. And we really won’t commit mass suicide if we lose again. But, mate, if anyone tries to take the bloody William Webb Ellis Cup out of Nu Zillan, well and truly, you’re dead.
Go the Blacks!
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