Hog Tweets – Summer Edition

#The voices are telling me not to work, to stay on Twitter forever. I need another cuppa coffee.

#Healthy body, healthy mind. And then you have Jack Black.

#America, we are in desperate need of a hero, a man with courage and taste and overalls. I nominate

#Mitt Romney chides Obama’s Magical Misery Tour? Who knew multimillionaire Mormons with concrete hair were funny?

#It’s sad to go on Facebook to read all the high school gang’s comments only to find out that I am still a smart-arse.

#I was missing John Madden and Dubya, then I wondered if they were both really Frank Caliendo.

#I will pay $100 to Mark Zuckerberg & Mr Twitter if they will send 10,000 volts into any computer user who writes LOL more than once a week.

#When John Madden starts doing the color commentary for Dancing on Ice, BOOM, I’m there.

#Is it just me, or is blocking social networks AFTER rioting has begun missing the point? Shouldn’t they just ban them n

#GOP UPDATE: With former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty out of the race, Newt Gingrich has ROCKETED up to 17th.

#It’s a good thing we have Twitter. Because there for about an hour, I was working. Doing actual work. Whew.

#I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Because I have one arm. And I am paper-hanging. While also twittering. Duh.

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Gaga, Cher, Justin at Meat TV Awards

Let’s see. What’s in entertainment news?

Lady Gaga contracts hoof and mouth disease at MTV awards. She is featured in a meat dress that showcases her rump roast, and glams it up with armadillo high heels featuring 12-inch stilettos. Slaughterhouse meets road kill fashion. Yummm.

Cher, at 64, wears the same Fredericks of Hollywood see-through black body stocking that she made infamous in 1989 when singing “If I Could Turn Back Time.” She hugs Gaga’s meat and boasts that ex-daughter-Chastity-turned-son Chaz recently had species re-assignment surgery and is fantastically happy as a newt.

Justin “Mini MTV” Bieber was keen to prove he’s now a manly teenage stud muffin but entered wearing his Mommy’s big ol’lady sunglasses. On stage he stood nearly as tall as Gaga’s shoes and literally towered over his dance partners, who were specially recruited from Miss Muffet’s preschool. Sadly, his carefully choreographed “Big Hunk Justin” branding campaign stumbled when Rihanna bitch slapped him backstage and he cried.

Jane Fonda, 72, not at MTV but saturating the airwaves nonetheless, is once again all Spandexed up. She’s leading the nation’s aging Baby Boomers into a new era of fitness, facelifts and flashy mobility scooters. Jane tried to get Gaga and Cher on her exercise video, but health officials worried that the raw meat and preservatives would react, sending the wrong message – Ewww – to health conscious seniors.

And critics say the internet is offensive…


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