I inadvertently omitted an important Christmas tradition from the previous blog post…
…The growing of the traditional Christmas Goatee.
I started this tradition decades ago.
The C.G.was important then. It’s even more important nowadays — almost magical, in fact.
It lets you look in the mirror and see something that is actually getting BETTER every single day.
A growing, thriving C.G. does not wrinkle or droop.
In fact, it covers what wrinkles and droops.
I know what you’re thinking.
Alas, even the magical C.G. cannot defeat the power of boob gravity.
Nice try, though.
Drawbacks, there are a few
There are really only three drawbacks to my growing the annual Christmas Goatee.
First, it gets really annoying at the mall when so many gorgeous women constantly mistake me for Brad Pitt.
I mean, they walk right up, even if I am eating, and DEMAND that I pose for a photo and autograph their boobs.
It just gets soooooooo tiresome.
Second, the Christmas Goatee is a sad reminder of how bad the Missus’ eyesight is getting.
She thinks the C.G. makes me look like an old man, not Brad Pitt.
Obviously, one of us is totally delusional.
The third downside is that the Missus will not kiss me when I am growing the prickly C.G. (even though it makes me look exactly like Brad Pitt).
I know, right?
You have to wonder what is WRONG with this woman?
In any case, the Crack Puppy gives me kisses despite the bristles.
Well, I may have to bribe her by putting a piece of ice or candy on my lips but, in the end, I get my “sugar”.
(Men, if you are thinking “Hark: Crack Puppies and Women have much in common”, you should be ashamed of yourself.)
Despite the “bribing for sugar” issue, there are countless advantages to having a Christmas Goatee.
Did I mention Brad Pitt boob-signing?
Here are the top 5 C.G. advantages, straight to you from my best-selling: 1 Million Reasons Why Christmas Goatees Are Awesome:
- Face Toy — When you have a C.G., there is always have something to do with your hand. Way back when I smoked ciggies, whenever I got bored or fidgety or contemplative, I could always fire up a Marlboro. Sure, busty cowgirls were always mistaking me for the Marlboro Man, but that was a price I was willing to pay. (My blog. My delusions, OK?). Now, I can keep busy stroking my goatee.
- Traffic Safety –When I am stopped at a red light, I stroke my goatee and watch the light. If every motorist had a goatee, they would too, and they’d actually GO when the light turns green, rather than continue to look down, tweeting or texting until somebody behind them, usually me, honks and gives them the “Could You Please Hurry Up and Go” hand signal.
- Dome Distraction — Facial hair totally distracts the female eye from chrome domes, so male pattern balding is not even an issue anymore.
- Instant Stud Muffin — Independent surveys have proven that men with goatees are perceived by women as being taller, richer and more desirable. (This survey may or may not have involved blind women).
- Angelina Confusion — It is great fun to jet off to Hollywood or Aspen or the child-adoption-country-of-the-month, and then stroll by Angelina Jolie. She grabs my hand every time, and she’s always startled when I tell her the next day that I am not Brad.
You can forgive her confusion.
I mean, here I am with my Christmas Goatee.
And here’s Brad Pitt with his.
Uncanny resemblance, *innit?
* Humor me, it’s Christmas.