Chairman Ben Bernanke said on Friday that the Federal Reserve will soon deploy an unconventional stimulus package to jump-start the nation’s ailing economy.
An innovative Public Private Partnership (PPP) will find the Federal Aviation Administration and major airlines combining their efforts to increase revenue, with each party receiving 50%.
Under the PPP, many British Airways flights now include a message stating the airplane is about to crash into the North Sea. Immediately after airing the message, cabin crew conduct in-flight auctions for life rafts, emergency radios and spear guns. Only frequent flyers are allowed to bid.
“We’ve found that passengers, who are normally very frugal, bid quite liberally for Premier Class items, like the lift rafts. And if total bids reach a floating reserve, the planes will not actually crash. The first few auctions have been quite successful, bringing in about $17 million per flight, less the cost of dry cleaning the seats,” said an airline spokesperson.
Vice President Joe Biden said the Obama Administration also plans to “hit the stimulus accelerator” in profit-sharing arrangements with states, the pharmaceutical and retail sectors.
California and New York have widened their definition of “medical use”, allowing motorists to purchase federally grown marijuana from kiosks located on all major toll roads.
“As long as motorists confirm that they have a medical condition – like needing to get stoned – they can purchase the medical marijuana and qualify for two-for-one burritos at participating Taco Bells. Our forecasts show that this effort should bring in $200 bazillion gillion in the first year alone. But these estimates could be slightly fuzzy, because our economists took the toll road, if you catch our drift,” said Bernanke.
The National Rifle Association and Hertz have launched a joint venture with the State of Arizona and key Mexican drug cartels. Under the agreement, vehicles and automatic weapons may be picked up in Mexico City and returned in Phoenix (unlimited mileage and bullets; $2 million deductable on all lost cocaine shipments).
The US Defense Department and elGordo are launching the world’s largest lottery. In the “Big Bang Iran” game, bettors choose when Iran will activate its nuclear reactor or be turned into a glowing parking lot by Israel. In a unique twist, the public can purchase “DoD Stimulus Dollars” to encourage their preferred outcome.
Vice President Biden said he expects huge interest in ‘Big Bang Iran’, especially from the U.S. Jewish community and global Jihadists organizations.
“In Big Bang Iran and within the entire new stimulus package, the Obama Administration will not be playing favorites or picking winners. Our only goal is to build on successes achieved by the gazillion-jillion dollar stimulus package launched last year, which has already seen the creation of 1.7 million jobs, including at least three outside of the federal government.”