Bloggess 999,999 — Douchecanoe PR 0

Everybody hates P.R.

C’mon, admit it.

P.R. people are smarmy and glazed and pressed and vacuum sealed and wear stilletos when they shower (at least the men).

And I have first-hand experience after decades in the business trade craft red light district.

Worse, I turned on the red light after working for newspapers in Texas, Singapore and Washington, D.C.

Shut up. We all have to eat.

Anyway, I’ve made my share of newspaper bogalities and P.R. debacles, and I believe everyone should be allowed to be stupid, offensive and drunk.

Off line.

And everyone in P.R. has the right to make a mistake. Before being humiliated, fired, shred and burned, because it’s such a warm, forgiving industry.

But no one in P.R. can ever be obnoxious and stupid while attacking a black belt blogger who wears big curlers and hangs with a 6-foot-tall metal chicken named Beyonce.

Because that combination on the intertubes is death by a thousand tweets.

But beeg fun to watch, if you are not personally involved and bleeding.

Witness this. And this. And this. And this. And last but not least this.

You can also wade through “industry-approved” P.R. advice on this saga at the #PRFAIL Twitter stream.

But since you are here, I’ll give you my BIG PICTURE advice on how Douche Canoe P.R. could have fixed this all in four five easy steps.

1. GROVEL — Apologize until your ABC hosiery has brown clots in it. Be sincere. Or fake it really well.
2. BE FRIGGIN HYSTERICAL — Team photo of staff member at Douche Canoe PR in curlers, with wine, kowtowing before the Bloggess, and beheading Jose and Erica (Note: be a nice to touch to deliver the heads, wrapped in Knock Knock M.F. towels to Jenny)
3. GO WAY OVER THE TOP — Rent a plane. Fly over the Bloggess’ house and the Houston Chronicle. Pull a banner that says: “We have killed Erica and Jose. Where would you like their heads? Sorry! Douchecanoe PR”
4. THINK CHICKEN — Put Beyonce on your P.R. firm’s uber serious website in a mocking way that will really piss Victor off
5. K’IMMOLATION — Get the *Kardashians to self immolate. (This is not actually good P.R., just a personal dream of mine)

And final P.R. wisdom:

1. Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel or pixels by the hajillion-billion-trillions
2. Never, never be stupid and obnoxious on the internet unless that is your niche and you are friggin hysterical
3. Never, Never, Never screw with a woman whose fans love her so much they draw pictures of her and who tortures her poor husband Victor with towel purchases and, when ordered not to buy towels, she brings home this.

* I really did NOT want to mention the sisters, because that would “track” as a publicity hit. But the fire visual won out.

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