By-weekly (sort of) Hog Snort Twitter Tweets

(Dec 7-Nov 15 ish)

Just because you kissed Arnold Ziffel does not mean you are pig-gay, not that there would be anything wrong with that. 23 minutes ago via web

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Yes of course there is a joke about a pig with a wooden leg. And Sarah Palin. Duh. about 1 hour ago via web

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Top 10 reasons to kiss a hog? Go on. You know you want to. about 1 hour ago via web

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Pig-kissing fund-raiser continues. Who should BE the pig at the contest? Oprah, Barney Frank or Sarah Palin? Yes, you can use lipstick. about 3 hours ago via web

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OK. We’re at a pig-kissing fund-raiser. Who’d you pay to kiss the pig? Oprah, #Julian Assange or Jerry Jones? Wrong! Jerry is the pig. 7.

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Ever been sucked in by the CUTEST PUPPY EYES and bought a REALLY BAD DOG? Uh huh… about 19 hours ago via web

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RT@RenaissanceBeer. Help us name a new beer?? A Bavarian style cloudy Wheat. How about Zig Heil Have Another. Or Achtung Me A Brew. about 20 hours ago via web

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RT@PrettyAllTrue. Ive nevr seen so much puppy spam! Who knew puppies could be used for evil? B glad u didn’t write about puppy viagra porn about 20 hours ago via web

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Remember to go here to sign up for free Hog Tweets.

RT@ConanOBrien. I love 2 tweet but worry I’ll lose count of words & Twittr will cut me off b4 I can bequeath all I own to hogsatemysister about 20 hours ago via web

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NY professor gets camera implanted in back of his head. Of course he’s in arts. No, he’s not available for home movies 9:40 AM Dec 6th via web

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Did Auntie Helen find religion in NYC? U.N. Global Warming summit begins with prayer to ‘Mayan moon goddess‘… 9:34 AM Dec 6th via web

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In NZ, rugby is king, footballs be round, and footy means Ozzie Rules. But even Down Under? BOOMER SOONER memories! 9:10 AM Dec 6th via web

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Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner, OKU… (gasp) 8:23 PM Dec 5th via web

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‘Boomer Sooner!’ Totally stupid unless you bleed red!

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Was Paris Hilton’s pet German Tarantula wearing Tinkerbell’s rhinestone collar? (Tarantula burp) 8:35 AM Dec 5th

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Airbags for cyclists invented. What’s next for bikes? Seat belts? GPS? Cup holders. TVs. Ball polishers (like at the golf course, I mean). 8:41 AM Dec 4th via web

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Is there any ginormous corporation out there that did NOT get a secret bailout from the Federal Reserve? Show of hands? 7:42 PM Dec 3rd via web

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And Qatar wins World Cup 2022. Maybe by then they can buy a “U” for their name. Quatar looks way better. Unless Qantas is their airline. 7:31 PM Dec 3rd via web

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Russia wins World Cup 2018. Gulag football for everyone! “But comrad Putin, how saggy your man boobs have become.” 7:29 PM Dec 3rd via web

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Mel Gibson in The Beaver? That brings Oksana and all sorts of weird images into my head. Ew. 7:26 PM Dec 3rd via web

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When you blow up NASA’s photos 100 billion times & look inside the arsenic-eating alien life forms’ wallets, there’s a photo of Tom Cruise 10:54 AM Dec 3rd via web

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NASA announces new microbe, GFAJ-1, that can build parts of itself out of arsenic. So what’s new? Glenn Beck has been doing that for years. 10:35 AM Dec 3rd via web

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Google admits going through your underwear drawer. Judge orders $1 in compensation (and asks for his pink nightie back). 10:22 AM Dec 3rd via web

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WikiLeaks servers moved to France. France immediately surrenders. Stupid cheese eating surrender monkeys. 10:15 AM Dec 3rd via web

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@PrettyAllTrue Ref: back-up dog decoration. Small branches work as antlers. Add a ‘singing’ computer chip. Jam tree up dog butt. HoHoHo. 8:43 PM Dec 2nd via web in reply to PrettyAllTrue

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Tomorrow NASA will announce extraterrestrials are very real. Why will Tom Cruise be at that media conference? 5:52 PM Dec 2nd via web

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@PrettyAllTrue Freeze dried and covered with sequins, they make great Christmas decorations. 5:46 PM Dec 2nd via web in reply to PrettyAllTrue

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Tiger:”All the things I had to deal with made me a better person.That’s far more important than winning major championships.” Just ask Nike.

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Exactly what protocols does TSA have in place for Santa and his elves, the latter of whom are very self conscious about their jingle bells. 5:41 PM Dec 2nd via web

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Rahm Emanuel is not popular in Chicago. But his strategic vision is as sharp as ever. He’s appointed Basil Fawlty as his Chief of Staff. 5:20 PM Dec 2nd

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OK City passenger. Bra-Panties-Wheelchair (with nitrate traces). Did she have Cool Runnings eggs? 12:38 PM Dec 2nd via web

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Women who always get lost? Even with GPS? And the men they make insane? You have to go here. Really. 2:59 PM Dec 1st via web

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Am I just being paranoid, or has my internet started going way slower since I started mocking TSA? http://bit.ly/ah1IiQ 1:04 PM Dec 1st via web

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RT@BillCosby. Watch me on Leno & Leno. But Pretty All True is way funnier 1:02 PM Dec 1st via web

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How hard to take out North Korea’s military? Couldn’t we just drop marbles on their parade grounds? The way they march and their giant hats? 12:57 PM Dec 1st

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Homeland Security Achieves 100% Watchlist Matching For Domestic Airlines. Sadly, most terrorists are international travelers. Duh. 8:52 AM Dec 1st via web

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WikiLeaks: Reagan wept over intelligence report: after serving his country in Korea, Col Henry Blake killed in action. 7:33 PM Nov 30th via web

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WikiLeak’s biggest surprise? CIA asked Mel Gibson to infiltrate Oksana Grigorieva, who’s been photographed topless more than Vladimir Putin 7:20 PM Nov 30th via web

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George Bush says the WikiLeaks fiasco will damage U.S. relations with other nucular powers and “the wanna have beens”. Read his buk. 7:06 PM Nov 30th

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RT@DavidSlack. The nother lil baby child born In The Ghetto would now be the age Elvis was when he died. His name – John “State House” Key? 7:03 PM Nov 30th via web

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For the hunter Dad this Christmas. Beats the heck out of lawn gnomes. 6:25 PM Nov 30th via web

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Shirley he can’t be gone! 9:54 AM Nov 30th via web

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Check out the quote from a kiwi wine grower to Jay-Z and Beyonce’s goons. Says a lot about kiwis. 8:46 PM Nov 28th via web

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In case you’ve been worried about U2, Jay-Z and Beyonce? They’ve been with us in New Zealand. Hanging with the Hobbits. As you do. 8:43 PM Nov 28th via web

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TSA strip search yields terrorist. Keeping America safe! And prostate cancer free! 5:02 PM Nov 28th via web

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Pretty All True’s post may or may not be about nude bowling and why the experience would be enriched by hooker shoes. 10:18 AM Nov 28th via web

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Willie Nelson claims the marijuana was not in his purse. It was Paris Hilton’s. Whiskey River, take my mind. 9:55 AM Nov 28th via web

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Rey Decerega. The Tea Party is keen for you to join up, and possibly be king. 9:45 AM Nov 28th via web

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Re Nth Korea. “Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if he does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.” 8:41 AM Nov 28th via web

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Bad Obama karma? Last post. Now TSA mess. And he takes an elbow playing hoop. Bet his dog dies next or Michelle packs 11:26 PM Nov 27th via web

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RT @PrettyAllTrue PrettyAllTrue The apple pie Kallan and I made? Perfection. Especially with this new whipped cream? h 10:52 AM Nov 27th via web

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Australian Firm To Sell World’s First Armpit #Testosterone Lotion. In US Big Sis already using to brush her teeth. 10:46 AM Nov 27th via web

Obama suffers basketball injury; Gets 12 stitches – Sarah Palin’s elbow is uninjured. 10:35 AM Nov 27th via TweetMeme

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It would be easier if the Cowboys would just suck. Appearing to be a good team, almost, only to choke, that’s just too heartbreaking. 5:02 PM Nov 26th via web

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TSA NEWS: TSA captures Thanksgiving Day terrorist through enhanced pat down. 1:23 PM Nov 26th via web

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Before contemplating moving house, with pets, go here. Really. 12:06 PM Nov 26th via web

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OH! OH! QUICK! GO HERE!!! 11:55 AM Nov 26th via web

# RT@TSAgov. Some accuse us of being gay. But we are never happy. #tsa #tsagov Except when doing prostate exams. SMILE. 11:42 AM Nov 26th via web

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Billy Joel gets double hip replacements. Former wife Christie Brinkley still looks like this. Life is not fair… 11:39 AM Nov 26th via web

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From Kim Jong-un: Just because I am a fucktard does not mean I can’t lead my great country. And push buttons. What does this one do again? 11:17 AM Nov 26th via web

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#TSA update: No terrorists detained. But 17 cases of prostate cancer detected. TSA: keeping your butts safe in the air. 11:12 AM Nov 26th via web

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@ConanOBrien So give the Monkey your BlackBerry so he can tweet … I mean that in the nicest possible way. Happy Turkey Day Conan. 11:08 AM Nov 26th via web in reply to ConanOBrien

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RT: Airport protests fail- via @msnbc. But “Cool Runnings” scrotum eggs a big hit during TSA pat downs! 10:56 PM Nov 25th via Tweet Button

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Thanksgiving in NZ… I miss family, turkey & dressing, cheese dip, the Cowboys (they used to win), corn on the cob, punkin pie, belch. Ahh 6:26 PM Nov 25th via web

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RT@PrettyAllTrue. Pie is in the oven. Kallan is better cook than me. Off course she is, with all the bobsled training and the patient butt. 6:22 PM Nov 25th via web

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@PrettyAllTrue Mixed with cool whip and turkey butts? Yum. Happy Thanksgiving Sis. 6:19 PM Nov 25th via web in reply to PrettyAllTrue

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RT: PrettyAllTrue. People? It is TOTALLY possible to accidentally take a naked photo with iPhone camera. And Maj says,”NOT A NORMAL MOTHER!” 6:53 PM Nov 24th via web

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RT:TSAgov Those flying tomorrow, know that u will be in good hands.Ours#tsa #tsagov … And they wear rubber gloves.Ew. 6:51 PM Nov 24th via web

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N Korea attacks a wee island owned by South Korea. Seems Kim Jong Il got mad after TSA staff scanned him and laughed at his puny missile 12:23 PM Nov 24th via web

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First Lady refuses to let TSA staff pat her or her children down. Unclear whether President got pat down/prostate check 10:39 AM Nov 24th via web

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TSA opt-out! We will not stand for TSA neck-licking protocol or body cavity searches. We will need to sit down. Eww. 9:50 AM Nov 24th via web

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TSA and $500 hookers combine for terrorist pat downs and simultaneous prostate exams 9:31 PM Nov 23rd

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RT: TSAgov. The gentleman urinated on himself in happiness that the skies safe. #tsa #tsagov .Can you bend over and say “Ah”? You may board 2:52 PM Nov 23rd via web

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TSA frequent flier? Can you bend over and say “Ahhhh”? Fine, you may board now. Leave your undies with Ms Napolitano. 2:35 PM Nov 23rd via web

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TSA, make it a level playing field, tit tit for tat, pat for pat. Let’s see how your team likes enhanced gropage. 2:00 PM Nov 23rd via web

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America worries the letters in Janet Napolitano can be re-arranged to spell A Penal Ninja Toot, and John S Pistole to spell Penis Ho Jolts. 9:45 PM Nov 22nd via web

# Barbara Bush says Sarah Palin should stay in Alaska. Huge protest by bare coalition who think Sarah should go to UK 5:00 PM Nov 22nd via web

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TSA Chief admits going too far with thermo-scanning technology Agrees to return to manual testing 4:05 PM Nov 22nd via web

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And the CNN Hero of the Year is? Sarah Palin! No? Rush Limbaugh? Satan? Donald Trump? Oh all right then, Barack Obama. You happy now? 4:00 PM Nov 22nd via web

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OK. You are a TSA screener. Who’d you rather? Katy Perry? Penelope Cruz? Or Jerry Jones. Hint. You get to use pliers and a hammer. 3:47 PM Nov 22nd via web

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Katy Perry has heaps more gumballs in the oven after spending time with the Sesame St gang, if you get our drift 3:45 PM Nov 22nd via web

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Lady Gaga insists on opting in REPEATEDLY at LAX. Cavity search of her creative area unearths Justin Bieber and three Chilean miners. 1:33 PM Nov 22nd via web

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Nothings turns a stranger into a friend faster than a smile and an enhanced pat down. We’re the TSA.Keeping America safe. And smiling a lot 12:57 PM Nov 21st via web

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TSA overwhelmed at LAX: Paris, Heather, Lindsay, Eva, Pammy, Oksana, Cher & Pelosi demand enhanced pat-downs on camera. 12:43 PM Nov 21st via web

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Paris Hilton makes new video. In costume. With many men. And long appliances. Yeesh. 12:28 PM Nov 21st via web

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Pentagon and CIA agree to stop all surveillance actions against North Korea and Iran. More cost effective to buy data from Google cars. 10:14 AM Nov 21st via web

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Before World Toilet Day fades what to flush? Obviously Jerry Jones and the TSA. Then? 10:12 AM Nov 21st via web

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It’s World Toilet Day. Who’d you rather flush? Yay, it’s unanimous. Jerry Jones. 5:17 PM Nov 20th via web

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RT @vanityfairmag: Pelosi Makes Boehner Cry Hope former Speaker likes her new job with Botox Inc 4:28 PM Nov 20th via web

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Politics aside, there has not been a hotter First Lady in the White House. Shame she resigned 4:25 PM Nov 20th via web

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If the IRS could throw John Dillinger in jail, why did Wesley Snipes think he could beat the Taxman, Blade or no Blade? 4:21 PM Nov 20th via web

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‘Indispensable’ Joe Biden’s lips power his Joe Over America tour after they are surgically removed from Prez’s butt 12:00 PM Nov 20th via web

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For those who always thought Joan Baez was out of her tree. 11:53 AM Nov 20th via web

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1 in 5 Americans mentally ill. I thought the numbers would be higher based on votes for Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi and Harvey the Rabbit 10:31 AM Nov 20th via web

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More shooting caused by Bristol Palin’s dancing. This time in the Mid East. “We would have had a peace deal by now if not for Bristol”. 5:29 PM Nov 19th via web

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Do heroic TSA screeners wear protection, like firemen, or are they like porn stars, in the protection department? 5:26 PM Nov 19th via web

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TSA: “We did NOT have sex with those passengers.” 10:12 AM Nov 19th via web

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TSA named in mass-paternity suit by air passengers. “Their DNA is all over it, if you know what we mean,” says ACLU 9:48 AM Nov 19th via web

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Has anyone thought of asking potential tourists or business travelers whether they are more or less likely to visit Stalag USA? Doh. 10:22 PM Nov 18th via web

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Thousands of French tourists fly into America for enhanced pat-downs and to experience Licky the Terror Bee. Woo-Hoo. 10:53 AM Nov 18th via web

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Big Sis and TSA crisis! Gathers TSA staff in DC to discuss groping, cavity searches and sharing hot flier nipple scans. 9:59 AM Nov 18th via web

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Big Sis has her hand down fliers paints or up their kilts.Passenger backlash forces emergency TSA meeting in Washington 6:40 PM Nov 17th via web

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Warner Bros is remaking Wizard of Oz. To be shot in Sydney. Starring Koalas, Greg Norman and New Zealand Hobbits and Orcs. No midgets. 6:32 PM Nov 17th via web

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Emergency TSA staff meeting held in Washington DC. To keep up morale and share really graphic scans of hot passengers. 4:13 PM Nov 17th via web

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TSA now putting their hands down your pants. http://bit.ly/92FZKj Surely this insanity has to be to Obama what Katrina was to Bush. 12:28 PM Nov 17th via web

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We need to vote. Who gets TSA’s super deluxe pat down, cavity search and waxjob. My votes? Jerry Jones & Nancy Pelosi. 9:36 PM Nov 16th via web

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Breaking News. Giant radioactive, crotch-eating hamsters terrorize Hollywood. Or that could be a TSA-related dream. I’ll ask my therapist. 9:29 PM Nov 16th via web

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Mel’s ex-Oksana Grigorieva is pat down, conceives, has baby, hires/fires 44 divorce lawyers, goes on Oprah, all while in TSA line at LAX. 5:15 PM Nov 16th via web

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Joan Rivers causes stir at LAX. Keeps getting back in line after being pat-down. You-hoo, Mr Body Cavity Search man!” Wink. Wink. 4:49 PM Nov 16th via web

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Dem strategists move to quell TSA pat-down protests. Bring in VIPs to do pat-downs. Like Bill Clinton. On second thoughts, mebbe not. 4:47 PM Nov 16th via web

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What response will we get from muslim fanatics when media show a burqa-clad woman getting felt up by TSA? Well thought thru, TSA. Beaut. 4:12 PM Nov 16th via web

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Testifying before the TSA Oversight Hearing is TSA Administrator John Pistole. Is that a gun in his pocket or is he just happy to be groped? 2:49 PM Nov 16th via web

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If TSA staff had Obamacare training, maybe enhanced pat-downs could also include a free prostate check or breast screening. 2:25 PM Nov 16th via web

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TSA MOTO: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who you can grope for your country. But lookout for their eggs. 9:26 PM Nov 15th via web

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TSA protest strategy. … And theme song: “Leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be groped again.” John Denver 9:05 PM Nov 15th via web

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The ghost of Fred Sanford? “‘You touch my junk and I’m going to have you arrested.” Nothing better cept maybe Aunt Esther’s gorilla cookies. 8:55 PM Nov 15th via web

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Pity the TSA fools. Imagine putting “TSA Agent 2010” on job applications. ‘You can have the job, right after I probe you with a pole-axe.’ 2:17 PM Nov 15th via web

Remember to go here for Hog Tweets.

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Germans strip in TSA protest. Yanks grab their eggs 12:45 PM Nov 15th via web

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@Funnyordie says TSA not so bad. It’s “NO BONERS OR JOKES ABOUT BONERS” signs that feel bit much. And the neck licking 10:25 PM Nov 14th via web

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