Cricket – not a sport, not English, not out

New Zealand is not linked to the big island called Australia, but we were long ago infected with the Pome (“pohmy” which means Prisoner of Mother England) virus called “cricket”.

Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun, and a cricket “test” can last five days. Really.

At present, the Australians are battling the hated British in the “Ashes Series”. That or they are having sex with them. It’s hard to tell when reading sports coverage about “the cricket”:

“A thunderous spell by Mitchell Johnson has roused Australia from the deepest of Ashes slumbers, so long as the remaining batsmen do not drift off at the crease. On the best day of the series since its first at the Gabba, a previously impregnable England were rounded up for 187 in reply to Australia’s 268, before the home side pushed through to 3-119 at the close for a lead of 200.”

To summarize, a thunderous Johnson has aroused the Australians to the point that England has been impregnated. Odd people, the colonials.

And if this short bit of cricket-ese was not in and of itself sufficient, here is a cracker of a cricket paragraph that you’d swear was written in English, but really can’t be at all.

“Hughes showed his outside edge is as vulnerable as his inside, nicking Steven Finn (2-48) into the slips, while Ponting nibbled down the legside for his fifth low score in six Test innings this summer and Clarke’s angled bat dragged Chris Tremlett (1-20) onto the stumps.”

Australia, still recovering from Oprah, now sees its own captain, Ricky Ponting, nibbling down the legside AND poor Tremlett dragged onto the stumps.

If that does not make your blood boil, three balls later, he did the same to Kevin Pietersen (zero), who reviewed the decision only to find leg stump being knocked over.

I ask you, what other sport in the entire world can use the word “stump” twice in two paragraphs, and NO artificial limbs were involved?

Noteworthy cricket facts/quotes:

— Cricket is basically baseball on valium. (Robin Williams)

— The Ashes are a Test cricket series played between England and Australia. It is international cricket’s most celebrated rivalry and dates back to 1882. Cricket kills more people annually (boredom) than malaria and Scrabble combined.

— “Sachin Tendulkar is the hardest batsman I’ve ever had to bowl to because he judges the length a lot quicker than anyone else.” (Shane Warne, the legendary Aussie “leg-spinner” who lately has been leg spinning actress Liz Hurley.)

— If a short stop were playing like a cricketing Silly Mid Off, he would be standing about 10 feet away from the batter. (So there is at least ONE reason to watch a cricket match).

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4 Responses to “Cricket – not a sport, not English, not out”

  1. malm says:

    None of this explains why the officials wear those stupid coats in Australian Rules Football.

  2. kris says:

    There is almost nothing in this post I understand.

    To me, “cricket” refers to the bugs my daughter purchases by the bagful for her pet frog. Chirping annoying creatures who only shut up when they are eaten. So I always cheer for the frog in the game of cricket we’ve got going on over here.

    However, if the actual game of Cricket is as sexual as it appears from the language you have quoted?

    I have been missing out!

    Bring on the leg-spinning!

    Do they really say “leg-spinning?”

    What does that MEAN?

    • hams says:

      Leg spinning appears to have something to do with slow bowling and contraception, but I’m a bit hazy on the fine points. Good ol’ Warnie, the superstar leg-spinner was famous for cricket, sexting the universe, and getting caught a lot by media and his missus. Now that Oprah has left, Warnie is again the biggest dick in Australia.

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