I am pleased to announce that I have been elected President of Curmudgeons R Us.
At least I would be pleased, except that club rules prohibit that.
We are not allowed to be pleased, happy or giddy.
And there is NO smiling.
Unless beer is involved.
And we are doing the antler dance.
I always thought that you had to be really old, like maybe 80, before you could be a curmudgeon.
Turns out that age has nothing to do with it.
It’s what’s inside that counts.
Like a laptop.
Except curmudgeons don’t have an Intel chip inside.
We have hemorrhoids.
Really, huge ones.
About the size of a garden hose.
And don’t EVEN get us started on our enormous prostates.
“Way too much damn information” is our motto.
And this is our logo.
If you are a member “in good standing”, e.g. you have a real attitude, you can use it on your business cards and everything.
Curmudgeons go back centuries, long before Curmudgeons ‘R’ Us was launched in America by Walter and Jack.
The word itself is attested from the late 1500s in the forms curmudgeon and curmudgen, and during the 17th century in numerous spelling variants, including cormogeon, cormogion, cormoggian, cormudgeon, curmudgion, curmuggion, curmudgin, curr-mudgin, curre-megient.
Although we only recently started using the logo.
I don’t want to brag, but it was my idea.
I originally thought about using this, but Disney is SUCH a pain in the ass.
One of my first acts as CRU President was to commission experts at the Harvard School of Divinity to research whether curmudgeons are made or born.
One school of thought, taken from a 4th Century papyrus, is that we were “born that way”.
Another school believes that life, and hemorrhoids, the really big bastards, “does that to you”.
The old “nature vs nurture” debate.
I’d put my money on “both”.
But that’s just because I come from a looooooong line of curmudgeons — I have Generational Curmudgeonafication — PLUS I’ve spent three decades in P.R. and journalism, which does something to a man.
We’ll be announcing the results of our research on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.
Because on that day at least half of all Americans will be really pissed off and perfect curmudgeon material.