Death, death, everywhere! Details Live at 6

A mass, unexplained, horrific epidemic of death has hit the world, sending officials and news crews scrambling for answers.

First, thousands of blackbirds rained down from the skies above Beebe, Arkansas. Then hundreds of blackbirds were found dead in Pointe Coupee Parish: “some of which were lying face down, clumped in groups, while others were face up with their wings outstretched and rigid legs pointing upward”.

“It was like something out of Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds,” said Pointe Coupe Constable Bob Jones. “Well, I never saw that movie, but I’m sure it was just like that.”

A S.W.A.T. team of federal and local officials have been unable to determine the cause of death of the blackbirds. But they have some suspicions.

“Most of the blackbirds in the Beebe, Arkansas, incident had small holes in them and a small round piece of metal inside. And with the name of the town, and the fact that a lot of kids got BB guns for Christmas, well, you do the math,” said Constable Bob.

The “horror epidemic of death”, as described by NEWS 2 @ 6!!!,
appears to have “leaped species AND countries”, which is so scary that federal officials and media are soiling themselves.

Fisheries officials in New Zealand report that hundreds of snapper
washed up on Coromandel Peninsula beaches. Beachgoers at Little Bay and Waikawau Bay found the fish – many with their eyes missing – dead on the sand yesterday.

“We don’t think the snapper rained from the sky like the blackbirds, but we’re treating this case as suspicious,” said Fisheries officer Bill Jones. “There could be an innocent explanation, such as a net splitting … and blackbirds pecking out their eyeballs.”

Possibly more alarming were reports that perhaps 100,000 insects were found dead, squashed on the windshields of approximately 10,000 cars traveling on the nation’s highways during the Christmas/New Year’s holidays.

“You wouldn’t normally be concerned with this number of insect deaths. But when you factor in the Arkansas and Louisiana blackbirds and the New Zealand snapper, well, lets just say that Homeland Security is actively involved in the investigation,” said investigator Jim Bob Jones.

Sources have told CNN that if thousands of people actually start dying around the world, it’s possible that a special assembly of the United Nations Security Council would be called and normal network programming would be interrupted.

“The U.N., and to a lesser extent media, exists for just such incidents. Well, normally we deal with invasions and war and stuff like that. But the North Koreans have been unusually quiet lately, and that’s freed up a lot of manpower. Besides, we’d like to look into media reports of goose-stepping Asians with really big hats being seen in Arkansas, Louisiana and New Zealand in the last few days,” said U.N. spokesman Kim Bob Jones.

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9 Responses to “Death, death, everywhere! Details Live at 6”

  1. Steve D says:

    This just in! Scientists predict that by the year 2150 more than 7 billion people will die. “We’re talking about every living human” said one researcher. You may now panic.

  2. malm says:

    Some authorities in Arkansas first mentioned fireworks as the cause for the major bird kill there. Really? As if those people need another reason to be ashamed………

    • hams says:

      I prefer to believe the birds slammed into an invisible Death Star in a low orbit of Earth. It helps me sleep at night. But sure, one well-aimed bottle rocket per bird. That could happen…

  3. kris says:

    Has television news changed so much that they will now post photos of dead snapper?

    Really?

    Ack!

    I am moving back to France.

    • hams says:

      Oui. Bonjour. Eiffel.

      You didn’t know I was all French speaking, eh?

      And TV DOES have its standards. They only show dead snapper when their eyes have been plucked out.

      Or they are on Oprah.

  4. kris says:

    This is why I don’t watch the news.

    Like I need these visuals.

    Instead, I will just rely on you to provide me with an unbiased and complete written summary of all I need to know.

    Thanks to you and http://www.urbandictionary.com?

    I am all prepared for the snapper death.

    Sigh.

    It was good while it lasted.

    • hams says:

      Not good enough, missy. Unless all Americans are willing to turn on the news and look at dead snapper with their eyes pecked out, and blackbirds in various states of smooshedess, the terrorists have won. Or possibly the Coneheads.

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