The duty has fallen to me to put medical ear goop into the Crack Puppy’s left ear.
This is necessary because she is a Maltese/Shih-Tzu cross.
And “Shih-Tzu”, in English, means “making your vet a millionaire”.
So in addition to giving her 3/4 of a phenobarbitone tablet morning and night, wrapped in cheese, for her epilepsy, the blog now has to convince the Crack Puppy:
a) to lie very still in our lap every night as we;
b) ram a nozzle down her ear canal and squeeze goop into it.
Which goes really well, as you can imagine.
A bit like putting drops into Junior’s ears when he was just a baby, except the Crack Puppy is way squishier and lots more expensive than he was.
As we recall, the baby hospital bill was only about $12,000.
Which is chicken feed when it comes to Shih-Tzus (which in English, means “American Express Platinum Cards Accepted Here”).
Plus, our addictively cute Crack Puppy also needs her anal gland squeezed.
The vet says her ear and butt problems are linked.
“Her immune system seems to be reacting to food. What are you feeding her?”
To which we responded, “Oh, just the usual dog food and a few treats.”
And by that we meant: “just a little bit of grapes, raisins, real chicken, chicken treats, chicken sticks, chicken dunno whats, green teeth cleaning sticks, fried eggs, boiled eggs, eggs over easy, chicken and eggs, Vitamin C bits, apple bits, carrots, raw salmon, cooked salmon, salmon and eggs, cheese, cheese dip, Cheetos, cranberries, pancakes…”
Turns out this is not the perfect diet for a high-needs Shih-Tzu (in English, “You will NEVER be able to retire.”
The vet said the Crack Puppy would do best on a very strict diet of $900-per-bag Special Science Diet food, sold only at vets.
Except that no Shih-Tzu on the planet has ever eaten this dry food.
Not even one nugget.
Because, what do you think they are, dogs?
Shih-Tzus, (“Cute is never cheap”), do not believe in sitting on the floor while people have dinner.
They hop up into the chair right behind you and stare at the back of your head.
Like laser beams.
Without letting up.
They paw your back.
And go, “aagggggrrrrrrrrrr.”
Then they emit impossibly powerful Cute Rays that would melt the heart of Donald Trump.
So, of course, you give them people food and sign your house over to the vet.
Following the recent $330 visit to our vet (motto: “The Crack Puppy is sending my children to Harvard”), it was agreed that the blog would do the nightly ear-gooping thing, and the Missus would do her very best to stop feeding
$100 bills to the Crack Puppy.
But, this is the woman who kisses and cuddles and baby talks her Crack Puppy every night.
“Oh, my Ling Ling. My Ling Ling, uhmmm uhmmm uhhmmm. Look at that cuuuuuuuuuuuute little face! You are just so adoooooorable! Who can resist you? Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.”
So you just know that people treats are coming, no matter what anyone says.
Thankfully, the sister-in-law happens to be a midwife and is not grossed out by anything.
She is happy to stick her finger right up the Crack Puppy’s cute little bazoo whenever she starts dragging her butt on the carpet.
“The glands feel just like cute little grapes, heeheehee,” she said as she gently squished them, and I passed out on the floor.
Oddly enough, there seems to be a side-effect linked to the application of ear goop and/or anal gland squishing.
Nowadays, as we prepare for our evening rosary, the spayed and very gurly Crack Puppy assumes her position between us.
But she is not getting ready for doggie prayers.
She is choosing which of the teddy bears lined up along the back of the couch that she wants to drag down and, how can we put this politely, uhm, “date” for the duration of our prayer time.
I guess “Shih-Tzu” also translates to one more thing:
“Who’s your daddy?”
I have no idea what the vet will charge to fix that.
Click HERE for more stories about the Crack Puppy and the late Moosedawg.