Have you noticed that America’s growth industries are marijuana cultivation ($14 billion in California), being a slut (from Gaga to Glee) and being polarized (50.1% are for polarization, 49.9% against).
Not to put too fine a point on it, but America’s economic ship has sailed. The train has left the station. We zigged when we should have zagged. We pissed in our Post Toasties. We are screwed.
At least we were until yours truly created a brilliant, foolproof, seven-point economic stimulus plan that is guaranteed to return America to financial greatness.
Point one: No one in America has any money, except LeBron and Tiger’s ex. So we should stop trying to sell stuff to flat-broke Americans and target the world’s fastest growing economies which are (we swear): Qatar, Botswana, Azerbaijan, Republic of Congo, Angola, East Timor, Liberia, China, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and Iraq.
Point two: Turkmenistan is a real country? According to Wikipedia: “Turkmenistan is one of the six independent Turkic states, bordered by Afghanistan, Iran, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and Borat.”
Point three: These countries have one thing in common: they hate America. Isn’t that great? So we don’t need a Madison Avenue strategic marketing plan to tap into this lucrative market of 1.7 billion, including goats and sand. And it’s the perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, if we are really clever.
Point four: We sell these developing countries ALL 900 million of our lawyers (three goats and one sick cow is all the payment we ask, and we will deliver). If we pack them tightly, we should be able to fit all 900 million into a pair of Oprah Winfrey’s stretch pants, and float them over on a big barge.
Point five: After a short three-month sea trip, these legal beagles — at least those who have not been eaten by their colleagues — will be rabid and ready to sue America. Trust me, this is a good thing. We’ll let them go straight to the Supreme Court docket. And since cases take 900 years to be heard, nothing will actually ever happen, except that all these countries who hate America will be so busy suing us that they forget to bomb us. And since our economy will have been freed from the handbrake of 900 million lawyers, America’s economy will take off like a freaking rocket.
Point six. It’s tempting to declare victory after points four and five (which you will recall got rid of ALL our lawyers), but we promised you a seven-point plan so, by our precise financial reckoning, we may owe you as many as three more points. Possibly five. So we will continue with…
Point seven. Many of the high-growth countries are in Africa, and in serious need of something wet. The US Government will nationalize Coca-Cola and sell its entire range of 900,000 different waters (with lemon-lime, minerals, and natural chewable dirt) to up-and-coming-and-very-thirsty Africans. And since Americans will no longer be spending billions on stupid bottles of water, our economy will get another boost.
Point seven (the sequel): While these strategies are all well and good, what about China, which can’t wait to be the most affluent country in the world? Not to worry. We aim to help them quickly get from Point A (oxen and cellphones) to Point B (cellphones with ox ring tones). In fact, we’ll help them skip through decades of struggle and go right to American-style “success”. Pay close attention.
Our upstream sales to China will be transfatty acids, seven-inch stiletto heels and edible panties, liquor/beer/sterno, triple-cheese enchiladas with butter and sour cream, pornography, asbestos and menthol cigarettes, and Warner Brothers. Which will quickly lead us to a tsunami of Downstream sales like heart/lung/liver transplants, Xanax, Gok, botox, Hobbits, Vampires, breast implants, Viagra, Shake Weight and Extenze.
This foolproof plan to make America a financial powerhouse is winging its way to our nation’s top economic fools, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, and billionaire Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry “SuperBowl” Jones.
And if you think they won’t consider this supercharged economic stimulus plan, you must not have been watching what they have been up to for the last year or two…