Facebook Launches Stupid New ‘Timeline’ In Sheepy, Unarmed New Zealand

New Zealand Facebook users will become the first worldwide to experience its new Timeline product over the next 24 hours.

“We usually roll out new stuff in the U.S., to show our mommies first, but there are certain strategic advantages to using New Zealand,” says Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

“Mainly, they have no guns and there are only 4 million of them, if you don’t count the sheep. So they can’t really hurt us, no matter how much we screw up their Facebook, you know?

“And besides, kiwis are good with digital technology. Peter Jackson did all those Muppet movies and stuff down there, so…

Zuckerberg also likes the fact that New Zealand’s small wooly population “is away from our main data centers, so if we really stuff it up, no one will know. They are at the bottom of the friggin world. No one cares.

“Yip, we’re totally convinced that New Zealand is the perfect place to launch these new changes to Facebook. Antarctica was too cold, and I’m afraid of penguins.”

Tech sources say new Facebook changes to user profiles, “include a different layout that no one will like or understand, increased anti-privacy controls engineered jointly with Homeland Security, and robust functionality allowing Mark Zuckerberg to do upskirts with users’ laptop cameras.”

The open architecture Timeline feature automatically allows everyone on the internets “to delve back in time and see what you were up to last year, or the year before – what you were watching or writing on line, even your private photos. How convenient is that?”

Facebook users will be able to block access to their Timeline for a nominal monthly fee, for each person blocked.

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2 Responses to “Facebook Launches Stupid New ‘Timeline’ In Sheepy, Unarmed New Zealand”

  1. Wait, is this for real? Facebook sucks. I am going to delete all of my photos off Facebook, but those jerks probably have them backed up and will just post them somewhere anyway.

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