(Editor’s Note: Book giveaway completed! Thanks to everyone!)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Writers are supposed to write 1,000 words a day.
Rain or shine.
Summer and winter.
In sickness and in health.
Or something like that.
But this blog has been on something of a
hiatas hiatias hieties break of late, especially from funny. We have none.
We did manage to blog about Great Grandma Ashley, who was a pistol, and Millennial Douches, but we have no funny.
We blame it on Kris Wehrmeister, my butthead writer friend in Oregon.
Her insanely funny new book, Fightball: Dying of Suck, which YOU CAN BUY RIGHT NOW ON AMAZON!, has pretty much sucked all the available humor molecules right out of the whole entire universe.
So the only practical thing for this blog to do is strumpet for Kris.
What follows is just one tiny sisterly exchange between Maj, 10, and Kallan, 8, who live with their parents at PrettyAllTrue.com when not staring in Fightball: Dying of Suck.
FYI, Maj is super smart, somewhat tightly wound, and usually SPEAKS IN BOLDFACE CAPITAL LETTERS. Kallan will one day be President of these United States and almost certainly under indictment. These sisters? They are hysterical. And relentless.
“SOMEONE HAS TO PARENT THAT GIRL! SHE HAS JUMPED INTO THE CHAOS CHASM! THERE ARE RULES! THERE ARE RULES BY WHICH PEOPLE ABIDE. SHE NEEDS TO ABIDE OR DIE… KALLAN CRASHED INTO ME AND THEN HURLED ME INTO THE BUSHES AND THE PRICKERS. YES MOTHER, SHE HURLED ME. I AM PROBABLY COVERED IN POISON OAK AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE. I. COULD. HAVE. BEEN. KILLED. PUNISH HER!”
“It’s a small path, Mom… It’s skinny… There’s not much room for passing… And then she was calling me a baby on a baby bike… And so I passed her and she fell… Maybe I called her shortie. Maybe I called her a midget on a clown bike… OK. I pushed her over. It was a tiny push, and she was all slowed down to name-call at that moment, so she only crashed and stomped around dragging her bicycle in the weeds and screaming about poison…”
Mark takes my hand. “Our children are insane.”
“Seriously,” says Kris.
While HogsAteMySister is NOT paid to write *Amazon review, if we were, we might write something like:
“Five stars, Kris! The brilliance of your writing, to me, has always been that you have perfect pitch when it comes to dialogue. That is the rarest of gifts. The flow and word play and insanity of your brilliant children, and you being you, and Mark being him, are so very unique and wonderful. Making it look so easy is the hardest thing in the world to do. And you really piss me off being so good at it, you big ol’ butthead.”
Okay, we might leave out the last sentence because of etiquette and libel laws.
Truly, this book is good for whatever ails you, regardless of your age, and there is something magical about that.
HINT: You can order the Kindle version or a REAL BOOK from today. Amazingly, miraculously, this is the only Christmas shopping you will need to do because Kris’ book is perfect for everyone on your list including:
- difficult children
- mothers of difficult children
- mothers of really difficult children
- mothers of insanely difficult children
- mothers who drink craft beer because of their insanely difficult children
- those of us who enjoy laughing at the pain of others
- anyone who loves the idea of a series of books (yes, more FIGHTBALL will follow!) that are just perfect for reading on a plane, at the park, or while waiting to see your therapist.
Honestly. Go read Fightball: Dying of Suck right now. Your laughter will be thanks enough for me.
You could also give me a million dollars if you wanted. But it’s not necessary.
I will just stay here, living under a bridge, with the wolves, starving to death because of humor writer’s block. Ironically, I will be laughing like a crazy person as I read and reread Fightball: Dying of Suck, especially the bits I have highlighted for emergency use.
P.S. If you know Oprah, get her to read this book! And do what you can to strumpet for Kris, my butthead friend who really is an amazing writer.
* I actually did write a hyperbolically blovated review on Amazon (scroll down on the book page). You’d think I get paid by the word…
ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT
Leave a comment below and, really, no fooling, you could be one of three winners of your own copy! Judge’s decision (moi) is final. You have to live in the U.S. to be eligible for this giveaway because Kris is really bossy.)