Hillary Does New Zealand: Lovely Country. Where are Hobbits? I had NOTHING to do with Election results!

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton landed in Wellington New Zealand this morning, but even the Capital’s fierce winds couldn’t blow the smile off her face.

“As you know, I’m Secretary of State, and totally removed from politics. I am here to promote America’s interests in the region, not to compare Barack Obama’s by-election slaughter to General Custer’s at the Little Bighorn.

“And Americans should read nothing into the fact that I was 12,000 miles away when Barack Obama’s party was beaten like a step-child. I have no inside knowledge about the election debacle, or the fact that America spoke loud and clear that it wants a more centrist president now and in 2012,” she said, asking if her lectern was dead center on stage.

Mrs. Clinton was in New Zealand as part of her 10-day tour of the Asia Pacific region, and flew overnight to Wellington from Papua New Guinea.

“I am looking forward to meeting with Prime Minister Key, Bilbo Baggins and possibly any American who plans to vote in the 2012 election and might be looking for, oh, I don’t know, someone whose family has sort of a dynasty going on in the Democratic party.

“And I’d like to mention that my husband Bill, a two-term president, unlike some one-term Democratic presidents that I will not name, has a very fond place in his heart for New Zealand. Every time he would return home after his visits here, he would talk about how beautiful your country was. And for some reason he was enamored with your sheep. I never got that, but you know Bill.”

Although trade with New Zealand amounts to well over 0.00001% of America’s GDP, she is hoping a bilateral trade deal will increase this substantially.

“In fact, we are very keen to sell New Zealand completely solid and 100% bankable U.S. Treasury notes. We have rolls and rolls of them that the Chinese aren’t interested in any more. And since our dollar is now worth about, what, 77 New Zealand cents, it’s a great time to buy American debt. You have President Obama’s word that we’ll pay you back.”

She said the United States had well and truly forgiven Godzone for creating a Nuclear Free Zone and in 1984 refusing to allow America’s nuclear-powered ships to visit.

“Our knickers aren’t in a knot over that any more. But we’re not so keen on your crazies hacking up our spy satellite antenna… sorry, I mean YOUR spy satellite antenna. We’re willing to let bygones be bygones if you will accept a few political refugees to relocate in New Zealand. I might be thinking of, oh, I don’t know, a woman whose name sounds a bit like Dancy Belosi. But that’s unofficial and not for publication.”

While in New Zealand Mrs. Clinton also planned to attend a private check-writing ceremony at a home for unwed mothers that her husband helped establish nine months after his first visit to New Zealand. She also plans to visit the offices of HogsAteMySister to personally deliver a large box of toner cartriges from Yemen.

Breaking News: The Hillary for President 2012 juggernaut was launched by PM Key. Doh!

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4 Responses to “Hillary Does New Zealand: Lovely Country. Where are Hobbits? I had NOTHING to do with Election results!”

  1. i’m about sick and tired of WikiLeaks

  2. Bill Clinton says:

    Look, your joke about the sheep was just not funny at all. And Hillary did not donate to the home for unwed mothers. I already made a significant deposit, if you catch my drift.

  3. Kim says:

    I just love this. And yesterday, my almost 5 year old had this gem to say as I flicked past Fox news in search of the Disney channel: Oh, that’s Barak Obama. Remember him? He steals all our money.
    Good job, dad!

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