HOG TWEETS: All the News That’s Fit to Snort, including Happy Feet the Stupid Penguin

*If you’ve been too lazy busy to subscribe to free Hog Tweets… Here’s an update

#Hugo Chavez and two cancer growths cut from his colon. “We expect full recovery as soon as we get all the medals out.”

#GOOGLE hires White House, Senate, Pentagon, Supreme Court & 99% of DC lawfirms to combat federal probe. “We’re sort of confident we’ll win”

#If you watch 1 news story today, see this one. An informed citizenry is something something something. Thomas Jefferson
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#Definitely time for a Toga party! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

#Britain’s Thomson Airways to fly on biofuel from cooking oil. Need reassurance that residual Frenchfries won’t clog the engine’s arteries.

#Critics blast Wellington Zoo’s Happy Feet fundraising.”This is his 4th tummyflush. Now he gets a pedicure & Hobbitt tattoo. I mean, c’mon?”

#The fruit doesn’t fall far from the Tree of Douche. Or something like that.

#POLICE IN TEXAS TEST DRONES… We’re hoping the first high value target is Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones.

#HALPERIN FALLOUT: Dan Rather kicking himself. “I could have called Nixon a Dick on the air. What was I thinking?”

#Michelle Obama uses TelePrompTer for small and friendly audience… Seems her kids had a sleepover.

#2.9 Earthquake in Auckland tonight. Not much bigger than Oprah falling off her high heels, but still, not supposed to happen up here.

#Charlie Sheen was on steroids for “Major League” role? What a frickin lie! Charlie never touched drugs! Or penguins!

#So the NBA and NFL are going on strike. At the same time. You can see why they are legalizing weed.

#I am a licensed cosmetologist. No wait. Even better. I am a working journalist. Har. All it needs is a penguin. What? >

#Gwyneth Paltrow singing with Glee people? Ack. But perhaps she will touch a gleeboy and he will spontaneously combust. That would be great.

#Saw another 900 Toyota Platzes today. Odds are at least 1 owner lisps. I want to stop every Platz and ask the driver what kind of car it is.

#Sarkozy Assaulted While Greeting Voters… Falls 12 feet after being knocked off his high heels. Lands on poodle. Everyone happy.

#Hmm. I’m not in my period. It’s not wet & raining. So why I am so bitter and twisted? Winning answer gets a cookie. Shoved up their butt.

#BECK: I AM LEAVING WITH MY SOUL…AS SOON AS I CAN FIND IT. WHAT?

#Thousands in Fed prisons for crack-crime getting sentences reduced. “Without this, we’d be unable to get a quorum at Wall Street meetings.”

#NEWS ALERT: “NY Officials Warn Of Rapidly Spreading Whoopie Cushion Virus…” Whoa. Maybe we read that wrong… But it would be a worry…

#Tiger Woods hired as pitchman for Japanese heat rub. Huge sales expected. “If each of his bimbos buys just one tube, we’re all rich.”

#Bill Clinton’s bilateral debt plan. “I think Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and I get in my hot tub & do not come out until we’re done.”

#To be fair you need to listen to the whole Halperin tape. “I thought Obama was a bit of a dick. Not as big a cunt as the 1st Lady, but…”

#If the president truly is a dick, was that him in Congressman Weiner’s boxers? He seems much taller in person.

#MARK HALPERIN CALLS OBAMA ‘A DICK’ ON LIVE TV… Is suspended immediately and offers apology. “I’m sorry. I meant to say he is a douche.”

#Obama admits: “We’ve Spent A Lot Of Money That We Don’t Have”… “Yes we can.” Somehow that doesn’t sound so inspiring nowadays, does it?

#Fickle NZers fall head over heels for Manukura the white kiwi chick. Doesn’t anyone care about Happy Feet? Boohoohoo

#Oh, right. Seems Dominique Strauss-Kahn is nothing but a Boy Scout and the maid is a total liar. Yep, I’m so buying that.

#NBA locks out players. They are immediately driven into addiction and poverty. What?

#Lady Gaga’s bolt-ons as you have never seen them. Ack.

#SPOILER ALERT- Jefferson Country breaks its long silence. “There is no Poop Fairy.”

#White House Announces Major layoffs.”We considered laying of millions of people but can save the most by firing Treasury Secretary Geithner”

#I know. Impossible to be young, cool, funny and Catholic. Wanna bet? I dare you to watch this guy for 60 seconds. And? eucharist.ning.com

#Deep thoughts by @SarcasmGoddess RT Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but a hemorrhoid when it’s in yr butt?

#TSA cant catch ALL international mastermind terrorist criminals who use ADVANCED technology like old boarding passes.

#Dear NZ Reserve Bank: Keep your frickin hands of Sir Ed’s head. Leave the $5 bill alone. Geez you people are dicks.

#Dead body goes unnoticed in public pool for 2 days… #Snooki????

#POLL: Obama 42%, any Asshole, er, Republican, 46%… That about explains it…

#Jetstar: Come fly with me… Never mind if I urinate on your scarf.

#Sarah Palin outraged:Penguin porn from invasive #TSA scanners of poor ol’ Happy Feet. “To think Bristol could see him from our front porch”

#TSA OUTRAGE: After searching a 95-yrold woman’s diaper TSA forces Happy Feet to waddle thru cancer-causing XRAY scanners.

#GLOBAL CONFLICT: World outraged that NZ experts plan to chuck Happy Feet into ocean. “Like he was a fish or something.”

#”Fla condo assoc to test dog poop for DNA to find owner…” Snoop is not at all happy. “Get dat MF scooper thang away from my butts!”

#Bachmann: Media want ‘to see two girls come together and have a mud wrestling fight’…” Yes. And your point would be? Plus also? Jell-o.

#Obama Calls People Earning $250,000 a Year ‘*Jet Owners’… *Does not apply to him, Democratic leadership or Congressman Weiner’s wiener

#RT – PrettyAllTrue: “are you ruling the internet yet?” Just got up. Need to check my webbotz & internetz. Pretty sure Google is my bitch.

#@larkspurkaren “Crazy as a loon”? I resemble that. Ahem.

#OK. Enough slutting for Happy Feet the penguin. Unless Charlie Sheen shows up again. Man can he eat sand and twigs.

#If Tom Cruise were a penguin. Wait. He is! Just call him Happy Feet the Scientology Penguin.

#If Tina Turner were a penguin? She would be Happy Feet. In fact, happy legs. In fact, whole lotta happy stuff up there.

#If Optimus Prime was a bird, he’d be Happy Feet the penguin, a bird that can transforms into a tuxedo or a Holstein.

#Summer plans: Just me and Charlie Sheen and Happy Feet making penguin porn movies. What?

#Mitt Romney Update: And how could you vote for a man whose name can be re-arranged to spell Men Tit Mr Yo? Even by today’s standards?

#Sarah Palin Update: Sorry, we could never vote for a presidential candidate whose name can be re-arranged to spell Anal Ash Rip.

#MissionImpossible4. The impossible mission? Getting anyone to watch a Tom Cruise movie any more. Pfffttt Scientology.

#Think Joan Rivers is too old to be a cheerleader? Have a gander at this, at left. This is why Germany lost the war.

#Palin: No decision about presidential bid… “We’re not sure how much you can bid on this thing. Todd’s checking with our people.”

#Obama Tells America: ‘Up Your Game’… America tells Obama simply ‘Up Yours. Yes you can.”

#Business wire: NEWS CORP. on verge of MYSPACE fire sale… Sales price rumored to be in the high seven dollars. Ain’t tech stocks a riot

#It’s been a really long time since I got my ya-ya’s out. You?

#UPDATE: Patti LaBelle countersues cadet beaten by bodyguards… Her lawyers say, “the cadet got his ya-yas out so her guards whacked ’em”

#Ahmadinejad may be forced to resign in coming weeks’… Weinergate does Iran?

#Happy Feet to be released in ocean bit.ly/lhkh5S (not Charlie Sheen’s waiting arms) due to UN’s strict safe sex guidelines
29 Jun

#Attention. People on the #twitterchallenge who will tweet 1,000 times by Friday night? You are pathetic losers. Nothing personal.

#Charlie Sheen: “I am enormously disappointed in this decision by very closed minded people at the UN. Happy Feet wants to be my B&W bitch”

#Sure, if Congressman Weiner had this he’d still have lost his job. But he’d have gotten WAY more internet dates.

#Jetstar budget airline offers passengers the gentle sound of yellow rain to help them sleep. What?

#In regards to ladies and orgasms. Ahem. Submitted solely for the advancement of science.

#FLASH: Advisory group of Henry Kissinger, Pope, Barak Obama & Jacques Cousteau to decide Happy Feet’s future.

#NEWS FLASH: Happy Feet the penguin has died. Not really. I just wanted to send the entire nation of New Zealand into a funk. Heh heh heh

#Stampedes are so much more refined in England.

#Thanks for the favorite @lelisa13p. Sarah Palin can see it from her front porch.

#SHOCK: Returning penguin to Antarctica ‘illegal’. Happy Feet doomed to celebrity life in New Zealand.

#Stephanopoulos warns Bachmann: Media Will Investigate Your 23 Foster Children…Plus Turner and Overdrive. It had to be said. Let it roll.

#Bristol: Mother ‘definitely knows’ if she is running…Or walking & chewing gum. Even at the same time. It’s just politics that confuses her

#What’s black and white and red all over? I will slap anyone who says Happy Feet the penguin in surgery.

#Happy Feet update: 500 Wellingtonians have donated blood for the penguin. And Gingiss Menswear has offered lifetime pressing for his tux

#Answer: “What happened?” for $500? Question:What is: a)written on Sarah Palin’s hand;b) LeBron’s new reality show c)Einstein Blago’s mantra?

#LeBron to Blago: “Yeah. What happened???? Exactly.”

#Chris Wallace: Rep. Bachmann, if Mitt Romney gets the nomination would you expect him to hire you for a Bunga Bunga Sex Party? No offense”

#Iran: Our Missiles Can Hit U.S. Bases. America: So can ours. And they will be there in about 5 minutes.

#@AnnieInfinite/amazingwomen If you call yourself ‘amazing women’ and don’t have @prettyalltrue on board. I say ppfffttttt to you.

#@PonderingMama But all the passionate PR social media brand strategist guru 22 1/2 year olds with flowing long hair? Hate them. Big time

#@PonderingMama That highly inappropriate woman at @prettyalltrue is the best writer in the universe at present. Wish I could hate her but…

#”Hi. I’m Bambi. I am a PR strategist and PASSIONATE about social media!” Yes, it’s old, but please, gag me with a spoon. Or just shoot me

#It’s getting serious. #CharlierSheen has sent a huge bouquet of herring, twigs, sand and BootyPops to HappyFeet. The penguin is thrilled.

#”No shame there. We’ve all eaten twigs & sand. So don’t be judging Happy Feet or me” said Charlie Sheen, when asked about dating a penguin

#SEX TEST shows Happy Feet is a girl. Charlie Sheen is VERY interested. “I’ve been into black and white films and short birds for years.”

#Has Snooki slimmed down? No that’s Happy Feet. Can’t tell them apart? Snooki is short, round and eats sand. No wait…

#ENTERTAINMENT ALERT: We hear that Anthony Weiner will take over Charlie Sheen’s role in 2 1/2 Men. He’ll just phone it in…

#Michele Bachmann cancels all appearances, leads emergency team to NZ. “Happy Feet is my exact height. I have to help.”

#I’m starting to think that God isn’t so keen on nuclear power.

#Wood? Leaf blower? Shower curtain? Staple gun? Cushion? Chair? Beer? Mortar? More beer? Yep, ready for MANWEEKEND!

#Ousted Illinois Gov Rod Blagojevich has to postpone his career as a John Travolta impersonator.

#Prince William: “If I hadn’t married Kate already, I would really go for Happy Feet the penguin. Assuming he’s a girl. Are the tests back?”

#New Zealand PM John Key convinces Indian officials to let Happy Feet convalesce at Taj Mahal and play a spot of cricket. What?

#Tom Ziglar: “No, I don’t know why they call my Daddy Zig. But it still makes me cry.”

#Peter Jackson to donate $10 million to help save Happy Feet the penguin. “My mistake. I thought it was a Hobbit.”

#Intern’l judges order arrest of Moammar Gadhafi. Navy SEALs offer to save the judges taxi fare. Ahem.

#On a lovely moonlit night there could be nothing better than sailing with Capt Buttface aboard the Moon Cricket. What?

#Surgeons remove sticks,150ml of sand & 400ml of fluid from stupid penguin Happy Feet’s tummy. Airforce at Defcon 7

#Team of specialists ready to airlift to New Zealand in case Happy Feet the penguin needs a beak transplant. Or enema.

#It’s night time Down Under. And I am still bitter and twisted. Stupid internets not telling me to get aboard a decade ago. Algore so sucks

#And in case you have never seen a Hogatar. Look to your left. And thank @ladyestrogen. She’s uber talented. The cow.

#So PR friendly. In fact, I am such a slut for money. Oh wait. I stopped doing all that. Now I am totally into penguins.

#Catholics surround mosque and threaten to kill Muslim cleric. Oh wait, we have that backwards.

#And if a lisping person owned two Toyota Platzes & had to tell someone. It would be so Sylvester the Cat. Windshield wipers needed on inside.

#About the Toyota Platz? We have zillions in NZ. Do Japanese people never lisp? Because that’s the only justification for inventing “Platz”

#Don’t mind me. I am just being bitter and twisted because I didn’t make Google my bitch 10 years ago. I am now off to say very bad words.

#Wellington Zoo spokeswoman says Happy Feet the penguin was “bright” despite its stupid behavior of eating sand.

#Breathless Wellington gastroenterologist to help Happy Feet the penguin. bit.ly/lJ85iJ About damn time. Gasp

#Totally natural child birth – the way Mother Nature intended. After she’d had WAY TOO MUCH Codral4flu.

#We can’t decide which we like best. The possum, the snake or the hog are in the running – weirdest family pet photos

#We always knew Mrs. Brady was a slut

#We assume alcohol, in addition to live ammunition, was involved. bit.ly/jMIP5P

#Still cant believe engineers & regulators did such a bad job at that nuclear plant. Japan? No, that’s NOT what I’m on about.

#@lydsquidmom Thanks for the mention. But I cannot recall what that was about. I have been busy giving mouth to beak to a penguin. Shut up.

#New Zealand media have asked me to clarify that photos of Happy Feet are in black and white because he is a penguin.

#”FDA recommends lower doses of anemia drugs”. Which is way better than what I misread the first time and which involved enemas. Ack.

#Jerry Lewis was hospitalized again today, despite the fact that we swear he must have died at least 20 years ago.

#HAPPY FEET ALERT: Sand-eating Emperor #Penguin still critical. New Zealanders still breathless.

#Report: Hugo Chávez in Critical Condition In Cuban Hospital after treatment for PELVIC ABSCESS. Yep, that would do it.

#”Sir, there’s just one thing that’s been bothering me…” Too late now. R.I.P. #Lt. Columbo.

#Michael Jackson’s two year anniversary? No way. Someone is messing with the clock again. Stop it!

#COKE SHOCK: 1)And you thought Coke just had one recipe; 2)Kiwi-made Coke is “stronger” with “finer bubbles“. Go figger

#Attention Michelin Man. Do NOT come to New Zealand.

#Meanwhile, New Zealand remains alert and breathless.

#NATO will not stand down forces as long as there is a slight risk that Happy Feet the penguin needs to poop more sand.

#ALERT. ALERT. ALERT. A PENGUIN HAS WASHED UP ON A BEACH IN NEW ZEALAND. ALERT. ALERT. ALERT.

#Shhh. @prettyalltrue. Do not tell a soul until I post.

#@prettyalltrue. Itss Saturday 4.45p. Like all New Zealanders. I am breathless. Because Happy Feat is having another sandectomy. News to folo

#If a Starfish washed up on a New Zealand beach the country would shut down for the day and have a huge beach party. We’re just like that

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: It’s rumored that a duckbill platypus has been spotted and may wash up on a New Zealand beach. Oprah and Obama informed.

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: A pod of Orcas wish Happy Feet all the best, suggest lunch on Sunday. No need to bring anything…

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: Happy Feet the penguin had his radiator flushed and feels better. Tomorrow free pedicure and sushi.

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: All media urgently airlift to New Zealand. There is a penguin eating sand. Hurry!

#Celebrate Olympic Spirit! Take untraceable high performance drugs, win medals, get Nike tv ads then lose your nuts to cancer.

#”Twitter Plans Bolder Advertisements” – they just haven’t yet figured out how to shoehorn sex and violence into 140 characters.

#I see a lot of Toyota Platz cars on the road. I only pray they are not owned by people who lisp. Shut up.

#Al Capone’s handgun sells for $110,000 at auction. “I think it will look great in my boxers,” says former Congressman Weiner.

#Seized Phone Offers Clues to Bin Laden’s Cell Phone Plan. Unfolding.

#Is it just me, or does anyone else just marvel at the duckbill platypus? Anyone who thinks God does not have a sense of humor? Oh c’mon.

#LEBRON ALERT: No, not so much. Especially in the 4th quarter. Ahem.

#”Geithner: Taxes on ‘Small Business’ Must Rise So Government Doesn’t ‘Shrink'” Yes. Resistance is futile. We are the Borg, er, Big Gubment

#”Isolate Measles Outbreak has Indiana Officials on Alert”. But if they are isolated, isn’t that a good thing? Better they be at the mall???

#”Lady Gaga Saga of Sales Spiral Down Continues”. Yay!!! Holding a parade, complete with Cowboys Cheerleaders and an airforce flyover.

#Why Sex With Creatures from the Future Is a Bad Idea. Attention Congressman Weiner…

#”FTC to Serve Google With Subpoenas in Broad Antitrust Prob” — If the FTC wants information, why don’t they just Google it? Duh.

#Russell Crow drops criticism of circumcision. bit.ly/iUIlo6 “Without a circ, I wouldn’t even be able to see,” the dickhead realized.

#Morgan Freeman almost wasn’t host of ‘Through the Wormhole’. Producers wanted another big thinker, Sarah Palin. Alrighty

#Missed key clause on New Zealand citizenship. Seems I must marry my daughter and be neurotic. I’m only 1/2 compliant.

#All I have to say about Bethanie Mattek-Sands and her stupid Lady GaGa-ish tennisball jacket is this.

#I have no sympathy at all even if they have sandcrabs in their whatsits.

#”On wedding day, Hugh Hefner embraces single life.” Make your own wrinkled joke. Ack.

#I’m pretty sure impulse puppy-buying brought down the Roman Empire, but soooo cuute! And the sequel.

#Twittering Afghanistran? Andy Borowitz gets it in one. borowitzreport.com Or we could airlift Crack Puppies to al Qaeda .

#Sarah Palin on jury duty? on.fb.me/iL3fzS “You’re Honor, I can see the defendant from my porch.”

#If Ron Paul and Barney Frank’s bill passes, this is the future of America, Dave. Dave????????????

#Bring all troops home. Airlift Crack Puppies to al Qaeda. They will be doomed. Soooooooo cuuuuuute.

#Note: When reusing coffee mug do not add 60% cranberryjuice to 40% coffee dregs & allow wife to add health drops which must be drunk. Ack.

#OK, they found the mink, but did police check her underwear for stolen cars?

#Be still my heart! And my arteries. You stay-at-home-Yanks have NO IDEA how much I miss grease.

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6 Responses to “HOG TWEETS: All the News That’s Fit to Snort, including Happy Feet the Stupid Penguin”

  1. Kris says:

    OK, I believe I saw these tweets when they ran, but it is kind of cool to see them collected here.

    Twitter genius, you.

    Also?

    You changed your background and got the Hogatar up!

    Yay!

    I like it!

    • hams says:

      Thanks to @LadyEstrogen, and my inherent IT whizability, I am now HTML MAN! Google prepare to be bitchified.

  2. malm says:

    I heard Dean was an excellent driver. This, of course, is mere speculation and second-hand stuff.

    Regards,
    Malm

  3. malm says:

    I’m thinking you need another hobby.

    Regards,
    Malm

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