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#Hugo Chavez and two cancer growths cut from his colon. “We expect full recovery as soon as we get all the medals out.”
#GOOGLE hires White House, Senate, Pentagon, Supreme Court & 99% of DC lawfirms to combat federal probe. “We’re sort of confident we’ll win”
#If you watch 1 news story today, see this one. An informed citizenry is something something something. Thomas Jefferson
#Definitely time for a Toga party! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
#Britain’s Thomson Airways to fly on biofuel from cooking oil. Need reassurance that residual Frenchfries won’t clog the engine’s arteries.
#Critics blast Wellington Zoo’s Happy Feet fundraising.”This is his 4th tummyflush. Now he gets a pedicure & Hobbitt tattoo. I mean, c’mon?”
#The fruit doesn’t fall far from the Tree of Douche. Or something like that.
#POLICE IN TEXAS TEST DRONES… We’re hoping the first high value target is Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones.
#HALPERIN FALLOUT: Dan Rather kicking himself. “I could have called Nixon a Dick on the air. What was I thinking?”
#Michelle Obama uses TelePrompTer for small and friendly audience… Seems her kids had a sleepover.
#2.9 Earthquake in Auckland tonight. Not much bigger than Oprah falling off her high heels, but still, not supposed to happen up here.
#Charlie Sheen was on steroids for “Major League” role? What a frickin lie! Charlie never touched drugs! Or penguins!
#So the NBA and NFL are going on strike. At the same time. You can see why they are legalizing weed.
#I am a licensed cosmetologist. No wait. Even better. I am a working journalist. Har. All it needs is a penguin. What? >
#Gwyneth Paltrow singing with Glee people? Ack. But perhaps she will touch a gleeboy and he will spontaneously combust. That would be great.
#Saw another 900 Toyota Platzes today. Odds are at least 1 owner lisps. I want to stop every Platz and ask the driver what kind of car it is.
#Sarkozy Assaulted While Greeting Voters… Falls 12 feet after being knocked off his high heels. Lands on poodle. Everyone happy.
#Hmm. I’m not in my period. It’s not wet & raining. So why I am so bitter and twisted? Winning answer gets a cookie. Shoved up their butt.
#BECK: I AM LEAVING WITH MY SOUL…AS SOON AS I CAN FIND IT. WHAT?
#Thousands in Fed prisons for crack-crime getting sentences reduced. “Without this, we’d be unable to get a quorum at Wall Street meetings.”
#NEWS ALERT: “NY Officials Warn Of Rapidly Spreading Whoopie Cushion Virus…” Whoa. Maybe we read that wrong… But it would be a worry…
#Tiger Woods hired as pitchman for Japanese heat rub. Huge sales expected. “If each of his bimbos buys just one tube, we’re all rich.”
#Bill Clinton’s bilateral debt plan. “I think Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and I get in my hot tub & do not come out until we’re done.”
#To be fair you need to listen to the whole Halperin tape. “I thought Obama was a bit of a dick. Not as big a cunt as the 1st Lady, but…”
#If the president truly is a dick, was that him in Congressman Weiner’s boxers? He seems much taller in person.
#MARK HALPERIN CALLS OBAMA ‘A DICK’ ON LIVE TV… Is suspended immediately and offers apology. “I’m sorry. I meant to say he is a douche.”
#Obama admits: “We’ve Spent A Lot Of Money That We Don’t Have”… “Yes we can.” Somehow that doesn’t sound so inspiring nowadays, does it?
#Fickle NZers fall head over heels for Manukura the white kiwi chick. Doesn’t anyone care about Happy Feet? Boohoohoo
#Oh, right. Seems Dominique Strauss-Kahn is nothing but a Boy Scout and the maid is a total liar. Yep, I’m so buying that.
#NBA locks out players. They are immediately driven into addiction and poverty. What?
#Lady Gaga’s bolt-ons as you have never seen them. Ack.
#SPOILER ALERT- Jefferson Country breaks its long silence. “There is no Poop Fairy.”
#White House Announces Major layoffs.”We considered laying of millions of people but can save the most by firing Treasury Secretary Geithner”
#I know. Impossible to be young, cool, funny and Catholic. Wanna bet? I dare you to watch this guy for 60 seconds. And? eucharist.ning.com
#Deep thoughts by @SarcasmGoddess RT Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but a hemorrhoid when it’s in yr butt?
#TSA cant catch ALL international mastermind terrorist criminals who use ADVANCED technology like old boarding passes.
#Dear NZ Reserve Bank: Keep your frickin hands of Sir Ed’s head. Leave the $5 bill alone. Geez you people are dicks.
#Dead body goes unnoticed in public pool for 2 days… #Snooki????
#POLL: Obama 42%, any Asshole, er, Republican, 46%… That about explains it…
#Jetstar: Come fly with me… Never mind if I urinate on your scarf.
#Sarah Palin outraged:Penguin porn from invasive #TSA scanners of poor ol’ Happy Feet. “To think Bristol could see him from our front porch”
#TSA OUTRAGE: After searching a 95-yrold woman’s diaper TSA forces Happy Feet to waddle thru cancer-causing XRAY scanners.
#GLOBAL CONFLICT: World outraged that NZ experts plan to chuck Happy Feet into ocean. “Like he was a fish or something.”
#”Fla condo assoc to test dog poop for DNA to find owner…” Snoop is not at all happy. “Get dat MF scooper thang away from my butts!”
#Bachmann: Media want ‘to see two girls come together and have a mud wrestling fight’…” Yes. And your point would be? Plus also? Jell-o.
#Obama Calls People Earning $250,000 a Year ‘*Jet Owners’… *Does not apply to him, Democratic leadership or Congressman Weiner’s wiener
#RT – PrettyAllTrue: “are you ruling the internet yet?” Just got up. Need to check my webbotz & internetz. Pretty sure Google is my bitch.
#@larkspurkaren “Crazy as a loon”? I resemble that. Ahem.
#OK. Enough slutting for Happy Feet the penguin. Unless Charlie Sheen shows up again. Man can he eat sand and twigs.
#If Tom Cruise were a penguin. Wait. He is! Just call him Happy Feet the Scientology Penguin.
#If Tina Turner were a penguin? She would be Happy Feet. In fact, happy legs. In fact, whole lotta happy stuff up there.
#If Optimus Prime was a bird, he’d be Happy Feet the penguin, a bird that can transforms into a tuxedo or a Holstein.
#Summer plans: Just me and Charlie Sheen and Happy Feet making penguin porn movies. What?
#Mitt Romney Update: And how could you vote for a man whose name can be re-arranged to spell Men Tit Mr Yo? Even by today’s standards?
#Sarah Palin Update: Sorry, we could never vote for a presidential candidate whose name can be re-arranged to spell Anal Ash Rip.
#MissionImpossible4. The impossible mission? Getting anyone to watch a Tom Cruise movie any more. Pfffttt Scientology.
#Think Joan Rivers is too old to be a cheerleader? Have a gander at this, at left. This is why Germany lost the war.
#Palin: No decision about presidential bid… “We’re not sure how much you can bid on this thing. Todd’s checking with our people.”
#Obama Tells America: ‘Up Your Game’… America tells Obama simply ‘Up Yours. Yes you can.”
#Business wire: NEWS CORP. on verge of MYSPACE fire sale… Sales price rumored to be in the high seven dollars. Ain’t tech stocks a riot
#It’s been a really long time since I got my ya-ya’s out. You?
#UPDATE: Patti LaBelle countersues cadet beaten by bodyguards… Her lawyers say, “the cadet got his ya-yas out so her guards whacked ’em”
#Ahmadinejad may be forced to resign in coming weeks’… Weinergate does Iran?
#Happy Feet to be released in ocean bit.ly/lhkh5S (not Charlie Sheen’s waiting arms) due to UN’s strict safe sex guidelines
#Attention. People on the #twitterchallenge who will tweet 1,000 times by Friday night? You are pathetic losers. Nothing personal.
#Charlie Sheen: “I am enormously disappointed in this decision by very closed minded people at the UN. Happy Feet wants to be my B&W bitch”
#Sure, if Congressman Weiner had this he’d still have lost his job. But he’d have gotten WAY more internet dates.
#Jetstar budget airline offers passengers the gentle sound of yellow rain to help them sleep. What?
#In regards to ladies and orgasms. Ahem. Submitted solely for the advancement of science.
#FLASH: Advisory group of Henry Kissinger, Pope, Barak Obama & Jacques Cousteau to decide Happy Feet’s future.
#NEWS FLASH: Happy Feet the penguin has died. Not really. I just wanted to send the entire nation of New Zealand into a funk. Heh heh heh
#Stampedes are so much more refined in England.
#Thanks for the favorite @lelisa13p. Sarah Palin can see it from her front porch.
#SHOCK: Returning penguin to Antarctica ‘illegal’. Happy Feet doomed to celebrity life in New Zealand.
#Stephanopoulos warns Bachmann: Media Will Investigate Your 23 Foster Children…Plus Turner and Overdrive. It had to be said. Let it roll.
#Bristol: Mother ‘definitely knows’ if she is running…Or walking & chewing gum. Even at the same time. It’s just politics that confuses her
#What’s black and white and red all over? I will slap anyone who says Happy Feet the penguin in surgery.
#Happy Feet update: 500 Wellingtonians have donated blood for the penguin. And Gingiss Menswear has offered lifetime pressing for his tux
#Answer: “What happened?” for $500? Question:What is: a)written on Sarah Palin’s hand;b) LeBron’s new reality show c)Einstein Blago’s mantra?
#LeBron to Blago: “Yeah. What happened???? Exactly.”
#Chris Wallace: Rep. Bachmann, if Mitt Romney gets the nomination would you expect him to hire you for a Bunga Bunga Sex Party? No offense”
#Iran: Our Missiles Can Hit U.S. Bases. America: So can ours. And they will be there in about 5 minutes.
#@AnnieInfinite/amazingwomen If you call yourself ‘amazing women’ and don’t have @prettyalltrue on board. I say ppfffttttt to you.
#@PonderingMama But all the passionate PR social media brand strategist guru 22 1/2 year olds with flowing long hair? Hate them. Big time
#@PonderingMama That highly inappropriate woman at @prettyalltrue is the best writer in the universe at present. Wish I could hate her but…
#”Hi. I’m Bambi. I am a PR strategist and PASSIONATE about social media!” Yes, it’s old, but please, gag me with a spoon. Or just shoot me
#It’s getting serious. #CharlierSheen has sent a huge bouquet of herring, twigs, sand and BootyPops to HappyFeet. The penguin is thrilled.
#”No shame there. We’ve all eaten twigs & sand. So don’t be judging Happy Feet or me” said Charlie Sheen, when asked about dating a penguin
#SEX TEST shows Happy Feet is a girl. Charlie Sheen is VERY interested. “I’ve been into black and white films and short birds for years.”
#Has Snooki slimmed down? No that’s Happy Feet. Can’t tell them apart? Snooki is short, round and eats sand. No wait…
#ENTERTAINMENT ALERT: We hear that Anthony Weiner will take over Charlie Sheen’s role in 2 1/2 Men. He’ll just phone it in…
#Michele Bachmann cancels all appearances, leads emergency team to NZ. “Happy Feet is my exact height. I have to help.”
#Wood? Leaf blower? Shower curtain? Staple gun? Cushion? Chair? Beer? Mortar? More beer? Yep, ready for MANWEEKEND!
#Ousted Illinois Gov Rod Blagojevich has to postpone his career as a John Travolta impersonator.
#Prince William: “If I hadn’t married Kate already, I would really go for Happy Feet the penguin. Assuming he’s a girl. Are the tests back?”
#New Zealand PM John Key convinces Indian officials to let Happy Feet convalesce at Taj Mahal and play a spot of cricket. What?
#Tom Ziglar: “No, I don’t know why they call my Daddy Zig. But it still makes me cry.”
#Peter Jackson to donate $10 million to help save Happy Feet the penguin. “My mistake. I thought it was a Hobbit.”
#Intern’l judges order arrest of Moammar Gadhafi. Navy SEALs offer to save the judges taxi fare. Ahem.
#On a lovely moonlit night there could be nothing better than sailing with Capt Buttface aboard the Moon Cricket. What?
#Surgeons remove sticks,150ml of sand & 400ml of fluid from stupid penguin Happy Feet’s tummy. Airforce at Defcon 7
#Team of specialists ready to airlift to New Zealand in case Happy Feet the penguin needs a beak transplant. Or enema.
#It’s night time Down Under. And I am still bitter and twisted. Stupid internets not telling me to get aboard a decade ago. Algore so sucks
#And in case you have never seen a Hogatar. Look to your left. And thank @ladyestrogen. She’s uber talented. The cow.
#So PR friendly. In fact, I am such a slut for money. Oh wait. I stopped doing all that. Now I am totally into penguins.
#Catholics surround mosque and threaten to kill Muslim cleric. Oh wait, we have that backwards.
#And if a lisping person owned two Toyota Platzes & had to tell someone. It would be so Sylvester the Cat. Windshield wipers needed on inside.
#About the Toyota Platz? We have zillions in NZ. Do Japanese people never lisp? Because that’s the only justification for inventing “Platz”
#Don’t mind me. I am just being bitter and twisted because I didn’t make Google my bitch 10 years ago. I am now off to say very bad words.
#Wellington Zoo spokeswoman says Happy Feet the penguin was “bright” despite its stupid behavior of eating sand.
#Breathless Wellington gastroenterologist to help Happy Feet the penguin. bit.ly/lJ85iJ About damn time. Gasp
#Totally natural child birth – the way Mother Nature intended. After she’d had WAY TOO MUCH Codral4flu.
#We can’t decide which we like best. The possum, the snake or the hog are in the running – weirdest family pet photos
#We always knew Mrs. Brady was a slut…
#We assume alcohol, in addition to live ammunition, was involved. bit.ly/jMIP5P
#Still cant believe engineers & regulators did such a bad job at that nuclear plant. Japan? No, that’s NOT what I’m on about.
#@lydsquidmom Thanks for the mention. But I cannot recall what that was about. I have been busy giving mouth to beak to a penguin. Shut up.
#New Zealand media have asked me to clarify that photos of Happy Feet are in black and white because he is a penguin.
#”FDA recommends lower doses of anemia drugs”. Which is way better than what I misread the first time and which involved enemas. Ack.
#Jerry Lewis was hospitalized again today, despite the fact that we swear he must have died at least 20 years ago.
#HAPPY FEET ALERT: Sand-eating Emperor #Penguin still critical. New Zealanders still breathless.
#Report: Hugo Chávez in Critical Condition In Cuban Hospital after treatment for PELVIC ABSCESS. Yep, that would do it.
#”Sir, there’s just one thing that’s been bothering me…” Too late now. R.I.P. #Lt. Columbo.
#Michael Jackson’s two year anniversary? No way. Someone is messing with the clock again. Stop it!
#COKE SHOCK: 1)And you thought Coke just had one recipe; 2)Kiwi-made Coke is “stronger” with “finer bubbles“. Go figger
#Attention Michelin Man. Do NOT come to New Zealand.
#Meanwhile, New Zealand remains alert and breathless.
#NATO will not stand down forces as long as there is a slight risk that Happy Feet the penguin needs to poop more sand.
#ALERT. ALERT. ALERT. A PENGUIN HAS WASHED UP ON A BEACH IN NEW ZEALAND. ALERT. ALERT. ALERT.
#Shhh. @prettyalltrue. Do not tell a soul until I post.
#@prettyalltrue. Itss Saturday 4.45p. Like all New Zealanders. I am breathless. Because Happy Feat is having another sandectomy. News to folo
#If a Starfish washed up on a New Zealand beach the country would shut down for the day and have a huge beach party. We’re just like that
#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: It’s rumored that a duckbill platypus has been spotted and may wash up on a New Zealand beach. Oprah and Obama informed.
#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: A pod of Orcas wish Happy Feet all the best, suggest lunch on Sunday. No need to bring anything…
#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: Happy Feet the penguin had his radiator flushed and feels better. Tomorrow free pedicure and sushi.
#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: All media urgently airlift to New Zealand. There is a penguin eating sand. Hurry!
#Celebrate Olympic Spirit! Take untraceable high performance drugs, win medals, get Nike tv ads then lose your nuts to cancer.
#”Twitter Plans Bolder Advertisements” – they just haven’t yet figured out how to shoehorn sex and violence into 140 characters.
#I see a lot of Toyota Platz cars on the road. I only pray they are not owned by people who lisp. Shut up.
#Al Capone’s handgun sells for $110,000 at auction. “I think it will look great in my boxers,” says former Congressman Weiner.
#Seized Phone Offers Clues to Bin Laden’s Cell Phone Plan. Unfolding.
#Is it just me, or does anyone else just marvel at the duckbill platypus? Anyone who thinks God does not have a sense of humor? Oh c’mon.
#LEBRON ALERT: No, not so much. Especially in the 4th quarter. Ahem.
#”Geithner: Taxes on ‘Small Business’ Must Rise So Government Doesn’t ‘Shrink'” Yes. Resistance is futile. We are the Borg, er, Big Gubment
#”Isolate Measles Outbreak has Indiana Officials on Alert”. But if they are isolated, isn’t that a good thing? Better they be at the mall???
#”Lady Gaga Saga of Sales Spiral Down Continues”. Yay!!! Holding a parade, complete with Cowboys Cheerleaders and an airforce flyover.
#Why Sex With Creatures from the Future Is a Bad Idea. Attention Congressman Weiner…
#”FTC to Serve Google With Subpoenas in Broad Antitrust Prob” — If the FTC wants information, why don’t they just Google it? Duh.
#Russell Crow drops criticism of circumcision. bit.ly/iUIlo6 “Without a circ, I wouldn’t even be able to see,” the dickhead realized.
#Morgan Freeman almost wasn’t host of ‘Through the Wormhole’. Producers wanted another big thinker, Sarah Palin. Alrighty
#Missed key clause on New Zealand citizenship. Seems I must marry my daughter and be neurotic. I’m only 1/2 compliant.
#I have no sympathy at all even if they have sandcrabs in their whatsits.
#”On wedding day, Hugh Hefner embraces single life.” Make your own wrinkled joke. Ack.
#Twittering Afghanistran? Andy Borowitz gets it in one. borowitzreport.com Or we could airlift Crack Puppies to al Qaeda .
#Sarah Palin on jury duty? on.fb.me/iL3fzS “You’re Honor, I can see the defendant from my porch.”
#If Ron Paul and Barney Frank’s bill passes, this is the future of America, Dave. Dave????????????
#Bring all troops home. Airlift Crack Puppies to al Qaeda. They will be doomed. Soooooooo cuuuuuute.
#Note: When reusing coffee mug do not add 60% cranberryjuice to 40% coffee dregs & allow wife to add health drops which must be drunk. Ack.
#OK, they found the mink, but did police check her underwear for stolen cars?
#Be still my heart! And my arteries. You stay-at-home-Yanks have NO IDEA how much I miss grease.
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