HOG TWEETS: All the News That’s Fit to Snort, including Happy Feet the Stupid Penguin

*If you’ve been too lazy busy to subscribe to free Hog Tweets… Here’s an update

#Hugo Chavez and two cancer growths cut from his colon. “We expect full recovery as soon as we get all the medals out.”

#GOOGLE hires White House, Senate, Pentagon, Supreme Court & 99% of DC lawfirms to combat federal probe. “We’re sort of confident we’ll win”

#If you watch 1 news story today, see this one. An informed citizenry is something something something. Thomas Jefferson

#Definitely time for a Toga party! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

#Britain’s Thomson Airways to fly on biofuel from cooking oil. Need reassurance that residual Frenchfries won’t clog the engine’s arteries.

#Critics blast Wellington Zoo’s Happy Feet fundraising.”This is his 4th tummyflush. Now he gets a pedicure & Hobbitt tattoo. I mean, c’mon?”

#The fruit doesn’t fall far from the Tree of Douche. Or something like that.

#POLICE IN TEXAS TEST DRONES… We’re hoping the first high value target is Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones.

#HALPERIN FALLOUT: Dan Rather kicking himself. “I could have called Nixon a Dick on the air. What was I thinking?”

#Michelle Obama uses TelePrompTer for small and friendly audience… Seems her kids had a sleepover.

#2.9 Earthquake in Auckland tonight. Not much bigger than Oprah falling off her high heels, but still, not supposed to happen up here.

#Charlie Sheen was on steroids for “Major League” role? What a frickin lie! Charlie never touched drugs! Or penguins!

#So the NBA and NFL are going on strike. At the same time. You can see why they are legalizing weed.

#I am a licensed cosmetologist. No wait. Even better. I am a working journalist. Har. All it needs is a penguin. What? >

#Gwyneth Paltrow singing with Glee people? Ack. But perhaps she will touch a gleeboy and he will spontaneously combust. That would be great.

#Saw another 900 Toyota Platzes today. Odds are at least 1 owner lisps. I want to stop every Platz and ask the driver what kind of car it is.

#Sarkozy Assaulted While Greeting Voters… Falls 12 feet after being knocked off his high heels. Lands on poodle. Everyone happy.

#Hmm. I’m not in my period. It’s not wet & raining. So why I am so bitter and twisted? Winning answer gets a cookie. Shoved up their butt.


#Thousands in Fed prisons for crack-crime getting sentences reduced. “Without this, we’d be unable to get a quorum at Wall Street meetings.”

#NEWS ALERT: “NY Officials Warn Of Rapidly Spreading Whoopie Cushion Virus…” Whoa. Maybe we read that wrong… But it would be a worry…

#Tiger Woods hired as pitchman for Japanese heat rub. Huge sales expected. “If each of his bimbos buys just one tube, we’re all rich.”

#Bill Clinton’s bilateral debt plan. “I think Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and I get in my hot tub & do not come out until we’re done.”

#To be fair you need to listen to the whole Halperin tape. “I thought Obama was a bit of a dick. Not as big a cunt as the 1st Lady, but…”

#If the president truly is a dick, was that him in Congressman Weiner’s boxers? He seems much taller in person.

#MARK HALPERIN CALLS OBAMA ‘A DICK’ ON LIVE TV… Is suspended immediately and offers apology. “I’m sorry. I meant to say he is a douche.”

#Obama admits: “We’ve Spent A Lot Of Money That We Don’t Have”… “Yes we can.” Somehow that doesn’t sound so inspiring nowadays, does it?

#Fickle NZers fall head over heels for Manukura the white kiwi chick. Doesn’t anyone care about Happy Feet? Boohoohoo

#Oh, right. Seems Dominique Strauss-Kahn is nothing but a Boy Scout and the maid is a total liar. Yep, I’m so buying that.

#NBA locks out players. They are immediately driven into addiction and poverty. What?

#Lady Gaga’s bolt-ons as you have never seen them. Ack.

#SPOILER ALERT- Jefferson Country breaks its long silence. “There is no Poop Fairy.”

#White House Announces Major layoffs.”We considered laying of millions of people but can save the most by firing Treasury Secretary Geithner”

#I know. Impossible to be young, cool, funny and Catholic. Wanna bet? I dare you to watch this guy for 60 seconds. And? eucharist.ning.com

#Deep thoughts by @SarcasmGoddess RT Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but a hemorrhoid when it’s in yr butt?

#TSA cant catch ALL international mastermind terrorist criminals who use ADVANCED technology like old boarding passes.

#Dear NZ Reserve Bank: Keep your frickin hands of Sir Ed’s head. Leave the $5 bill alone. Geez you people are dicks.

#Dead body goes unnoticed in public pool for 2 days… #Snooki????

#POLL: Obama 42%, any Asshole, er, Republican, 46%… That about explains it…

#Jetstar: Come fly with me… Never mind if I urinate on your scarf.

#Sarah Palin outraged:Penguin porn from invasive #TSA scanners of poor ol’ Happy Feet. “To think Bristol could see him from our front porch”

#TSA OUTRAGE: After searching a 95-yrold woman’s diaper TSA forces Happy Feet to waddle thru cancer-causing XRAY scanners.

#GLOBAL CONFLICT: World outraged that NZ experts plan to chuck Happy Feet into ocean. “Like he was a fish or something.”

#”Fla condo assoc to test dog poop for DNA to find owner…” Snoop is not at all happy. “Get dat MF scooper thang away from my butts!”

#Bachmann: Media want ‘to see two girls come together and have a mud wrestling fight’…” Yes. And your point would be? Plus also? Jell-o.

#Obama Calls People Earning $250,000 a Year ‘*Jet Owners’… *Does not apply to him, Democratic leadership or Congressman Weiner’s wiener

#RT – PrettyAllTrue: “are you ruling the internet yet?” Just got up. Need to check my webbotz & internetz. Pretty sure Google is my bitch.

#@larkspurkaren “Crazy as a loon”? I resemble that. Ahem.

#OK. Enough slutting for Happy Feet the penguin. Unless Charlie Sheen shows up again. Man can he eat sand and twigs.

#If Tom Cruise were a penguin. Wait. He is! Just call him Happy Feet the Scientology Penguin.

#If Tina Turner were a penguin? She would be Happy Feet. In fact, happy legs. In fact, whole lotta happy stuff up there.

#If Optimus Prime was a bird, he’d be Happy Feet the penguin, a bird that can transforms into a tuxedo or a Holstein.

#Summer plans: Just me and Charlie Sheen and Happy Feet making penguin porn movies. What?

#Mitt Romney Update: And how could you vote for a man whose name can be re-arranged to spell Men Tit Mr Yo? Even by today’s standards?

#Sarah Palin Update: Sorry, we could never vote for a presidential candidate whose name can be re-arranged to spell Anal Ash Rip.

#MissionImpossible4. The impossible mission? Getting anyone to watch a Tom Cruise movie any more. Pfffttt Scientology.

#Think Joan Rivers is too old to be a cheerleader? Have a gander at this, at left. This is why Germany lost the war.

#Palin: No decision about presidential bid… “We’re not sure how much you can bid on this thing. Todd’s checking with our people.”

#Obama Tells America: ‘Up Your Game’… America tells Obama simply ‘Up Yours. Yes you can.”

#Business wire: NEWS CORP. on verge of MYSPACE fire sale… Sales price rumored to be in the high seven dollars. Ain’t tech stocks a riot

#It’s been a really long time since I got my ya-ya’s out. You?

#UPDATE: Patti LaBelle countersues cadet beaten by bodyguards… Her lawyers say, “the cadet got his ya-yas out so her guards whacked ’em”

#Ahmadinejad may be forced to resign in coming weeks’… Weinergate does Iran?

#Happy Feet to be released in ocean bit.ly/lhkh5S (not Charlie Sheen’s waiting arms) due to UN’s strict safe sex guidelines
29 Jun

#Attention. People on the #twitterchallenge who will tweet 1,000 times by Friday night? You are pathetic losers. Nothing personal.

#Charlie Sheen: “I am enormously disappointed in this decision by very closed minded people at the UN. Happy Feet wants to be my B&W bitch”

#Sure, if Congressman Weiner had this he’d still have lost his job. But he’d have gotten WAY more internet dates.

#Jetstar budget airline offers passengers the gentle sound of yellow rain to help them sleep. What?

#In regards to ladies and orgasms. Ahem. Submitted solely for the advancement of science.

#FLASH: Advisory group of Henry Kissinger, Pope, Barak Obama & Jacques Cousteau to decide Happy Feet’s future.

#NEWS FLASH: Happy Feet the penguin has died. Not really. I just wanted to send the entire nation of New Zealand into a funk. Heh heh heh

#Stampedes are so much more refined in England.

#Thanks for the favorite @lelisa13p. Sarah Palin can see it from her front porch.

#SHOCK: Returning penguin to Antarctica ‘illegal’. Happy Feet doomed to celebrity life in New Zealand.

#Stephanopoulos warns Bachmann: Media Will Investigate Your 23 Foster Children…Plus Turner and Overdrive. It had to be said. Let it roll.

#Bristol: Mother ‘definitely knows’ if she is running…Or walking & chewing gum. Even at the same time. It’s just politics that confuses her

#What’s black and white and red all over? I will slap anyone who says Happy Feet the penguin in surgery.

#Happy Feet update: 500 Wellingtonians have donated blood for the penguin. And Gingiss Menswear has offered lifetime pressing for his tux

#Answer: “What happened?” for $500? Question:What is: a)written on Sarah Palin’s hand;b) LeBron’s new reality show c)Einstein Blago’s mantra?

#LeBron to Blago: “Yeah. What happened???? Exactly.”

#Chris Wallace: Rep. Bachmann, if Mitt Romney gets the nomination would you expect him to hire you for a Bunga Bunga Sex Party? No offense”

#Iran: Our Missiles Can Hit U.S. Bases. America: So can ours. And they will be there in about 5 minutes.

#@AnnieInfinite/amazingwomen If you call yourself ‘amazing women’ and don’t have @prettyalltrue on board. I say ppfffttttt to you.

#@PonderingMama But all the passionate PR social media brand strategist guru 22 1/2 year olds with flowing long hair? Hate them. Big time

#@PonderingMama That highly inappropriate woman at @prettyalltrue is the best writer in the universe at present. Wish I could hate her but…

#”Hi. I’m Bambi. I am a PR strategist and PASSIONATE about social media!” Yes, it’s old, but please, gag me with a spoon. Or just shoot me

#It’s getting serious. #CharlierSheen has sent a huge bouquet of herring, twigs, sand and BootyPops to HappyFeet. The penguin is thrilled.

#”No shame there. We’ve all eaten twigs & sand. So don’t be judging Happy Feet or me” said Charlie Sheen, when asked about dating a penguin

#SEX TEST shows Happy Feet is a girl. Charlie Sheen is VERY interested. “I’ve been into black and white films and short birds for years.”

#Has Snooki slimmed down? No that’s Happy Feet. Can’t tell them apart? Snooki is short, round and eats sand. No wait…

#ENTERTAINMENT ALERT: We hear that Anthony Weiner will take over Charlie Sheen’s role in 2 1/2 Men. He’ll just phone it in…

#Michele Bachmann cancels all appearances, leads emergency team to NZ. “Happy Feet is my exact height. I have to help.”

#I’m starting to think that God isn’t so keen on nuclear power.

#Wood? Leaf blower? Shower curtain? Staple gun? Cushion? Chair? Beer? Mortar? More beer? Yep, ready for MANWEEKEND!

#Ousted Illinois Gov Rod Blagojevich has to postpone his career as a John Travolta impersonator.

#Prince William: “If I hadn’t married Kate already, I would really go for Happy Feet the penguin. Assuming he’s a girl. Are the tests back?”

#New Zealand PM John Key convinces Indian officials to let Happy Feet convalesce at Taj Mahal and play a spot of cricket. What?

#Tom Ziglar: “No, I don’t know why they call my Daddy Zig. But it still makes me cry.”

#Peter Jackson to donate $10 million to help save Happy Feet the penguin. “My mistake. I thought it was a Hobbit.”

#Intern’l judges order arrest of Moammar Gadhafi. Navy SEALs offer to save the judges taxi fare. Ahem.

#On a lovely moonlit night there could be nothing better than sailing with Capt Buttface aboard the Moon Cricket. What?

#Surgeons remove sticks,150ml of sand & 400ml of fluid from stupid penguin Happy Feet’s tummy. Airforce at Defcon 7

#Team of specialists ready to airlift to New Zealand in case Happy Feet the penguin needs a beak transplant. Or enema.

#It’s night time Down Under. And I am still bitter and twisted. Stupid internets not telling me to get aboard a decade ago. Algore so sucks

#And in case you have never seen a Hogatar. Look to your left. And thank @ladyestrogen. She’s uber talented. The cow.

#So PR friendly. In fact, I am such a slut for money. Oh wait. I stopped doing all that. Now I am totally into penguins.

#Catholics surround mosque and threaten to kill Muslim cleric. Oh wait, we have that backwards.

#And if a lisping person owned two Toyota Platzes & had to tell someone. It would be so Sylvester the Cat. Windshield wipers needed on inside.

#About the Toyota Platz? We have zillions in NZ. Do Japanese people never lisp? Because that’s the only justification for inventing “Platz”

#Don’t mind me. I am just being bitter and twisted because I didn’t make Google my bitch 10 years ago. I am now off to say very bad words.

#Wellington Zoo spokeswoman says Happy Feet the penguin was “bright” despite its stupid behavior of eating sand.

#Breathless Wellington gastroenterologist to help Happy Feet the penguin. bit.ly/lJ85iJ About damn time. Gasp

#Totally natural child birth – the way Mother Nature intended. After she’d had WAY TOO MUCH Codral4flu.

#We can’t decide which we like best. The possum, the snake or the hog are in the running – weirdest family pet photos

#We always knew Mrs. Brady was a slut

#We assume alcohol, in addition to live ammunition, was involved. bit.ly/jMIP5P

#Still cant believe engineers & regulators did such a bad job at that nuclear plant. Japan? No, that’s NOT what I’m on about.

#@lydsquidmom Thanks for the mention. But I cannot recall what that was about. I have been busy giving mouth to beak to a penguin. Shut up.

#New Zealand media have asked me to clarify that photos of Happy Feet are in black and white because he is a penguin.

#”FDA recommends lower doses of anemia drugs”. Which is way better than what I misread the first time and which involved enemas. Ack.

#Jerry Lewis was hospitalized again today, despite the fact that we swear he must have died at least 20 years ago.

#HAPPY FEET ALERT: Sand-eating Emperor #Penguin still critical. New Zealanders still breathless.

#Report: Hugo Chávez in Critical Condition In Cuban Hospital after treatment for PELVIC ABSCESS. Yep, that would do it.

#”Sir, there’s just one thing that’s been bothering me…” Too late now. R.I.P. #Lt. Columbo.

#Michael Jackson’s two year anniversary? No way. Someone is messing with the clock again. Stop it!

#COKE SHOCK: 1)And you thought Coke just had one recipe; 2)Kiwi-made Coke is “stronger” with “finer bubbles“. Go figger

#Attention Michelin Man. Do NOT come to New Zealand.

#Meanwhile, New Zealand remains alert and breathless.

#NATO will not stand down forces as long as there is a slight risk that Happy Feet the penguin needs to poop more sand.


#Shhh. @prettyalltrue. Do not tell a soul until I post.

#@prettyalltrue. Itss Saturday 4.45p. Like all New Zealanders. I am breathless. Because Happy Feat is having another sandectomy. News to folo

#If a Starfish washed up on a New Zealand beach the country would shut down for the day and have a huge beach party. We’re just like that

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: It’s rumored that a duckbill platypus has been spotted and may wash up on a New Zealand beach. Oprah and Obama informed.

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: A pod of Orcas wish Happy Feet all the best, suggest lunch on Sunday. No need to bring anything…

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: Happy Feet the penguin had his radiator flushed and feels better. Tomorrow free pedicure and sushi.

#GLOBAL NEWS ALERT: All media urgently airlift to New Zealand. There is a penguin eating sand. Hurry!

#Celebrate Olympic Spirit! Take untraceable high performance drugs, win medals, get Nike tv ads then lose your nuts to cancer.

#”Twitter Plans Bolder Advertisements” – they just haven’t yet figured out how to shoehorn sex and violence into 140 characters.

#I see a lot of Toyota Platz cars on the road. I only pray they are not owned by people who lisp. Shut up.

#Al Capone’s handgun sells for $110,000 at auction. “I think it will look great in my boxers,” says former Congressman Weiner.

#Seized Phone Offers Clues to Bin Laden’s Cell Phone Plan. Unfolding.

#Is it just me, or does anyone else just marvel at the duckbill platypus? Anyone who thinks God does not have a sense of humor? Oh c’mon.

#LEBRON ALERT: No, not so much. Especially in the 4th quarter. Ahem.

#”Geithner: Taxes on ‘Small Business’ Must Rise So Government Doesn’t ‘Shrink'” Yes. Resistance is futile. We are the Borg, er, Big Gubment

#”Isolate Measles Outbreak has Indiana Officials on Alert”. But if they are isolated, isn’t that a good thing? Better they be at the mall???

#”Lady Gaga Saga of Sales Spiral Down Continues”. Yay!!! Holding a parade, complete with Cowboys Cheerleaders and an airforce flyover.

#Why Sex With Creatures from the Future Is a Bad Idea. Attention Congressman Weiner…

#”FTC to Serve Google With Subpoenas in Broad Antitrust Prob” — If the FTC wants information, why don’t they just Google it? Duh.

#Russell Crow drops criticism of circumcision. bit.ly/iUIlo6 “Without a circ, I wouldn’t even be able to see,” the dickhead realized.

#Morgan Freeman almost wasn’t host of ‘Through the Wormhole’. Producers wanted another big thinker, Sarah Palin. Alrighty

#Missed key clause on New Zealand citizenship. Seems I must marry my daughter and be neurotic. I’m only 1/2 compliant.

#All I have to say about Bethanie Mattek-Sands and her stupid Lady GaGa-ish tennisball jacket is this.

#I have no sympathy at all even if they have sandcrabs in their whatsits.

#”On wedding day, Hugh Hefner embraces single life.” Make your own wrinkled joke. Ack.

#I’m pretty sure impulse puppy-buying brought down the Roman Empire, but soooo cuute! And the sequel.

#Twittering Afghanistran? Andy Borowitz gets it in one. borowitzreport.com Or we could airlift Crack Puppies to al Qaeda .

#Sarah Palin on jury duty? on.fb.me/iL3fzS “You’re Honor, I can see the defendant from my porch.”

#If Ron Paul and Barney Frank’s bill passes, this is the future of America, Dave. Dave????????????

#Bring all troops home. Airlift Crack Puppies to al Qaeda. They will be doomed. Soooooooo cuuuuuute.

#Note: When reusing coffee mug do not add 60% cranberryjuice to 40% coffee dregs & allow wife to add health drops which must be drunk. Ack.

#OK, they found the mink, but did police check her underwear for stolen cars?

#Be still my heart! And my arteries. You stay-at-home-Yanks have NO IDEA how much I miss grease.


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6 Responses to “HOG TWEETS: All the News That’s Fit to Snort, including Happy Feet the Stupid Penguin”

  1. Kris says:

    OK, I believe I saw these tweets when they ran, but it is kind of cool to see them collected here.

    Twitter genius, you.


    You changed your background and got the Hogatar up!


    I like it!

    • hams says:

      Thanks to @LadyEstrogen, and my inherent IT whizability, I am now HTML MAN! Google prepare to be bitchified.

  2. malm says:

    I heard Dean was an excellent driver. This, of course, is mere speculation and second-hand stuff.


  3. malm says:

    I’m thinking you need another hobby.


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