Hog Tweets of the Twitter Kind


Since we have yet to figure out how to make tweets zoom from ‘Hog Tweets’ in the sidebar at left, to a long and happy life in Categories at right, we shall save them all in this really long blog post.

That is all.

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Google lawyers say the firm accidentally downloaded passwords and emptied everyone’s bank account. But since no one has money to sue them…

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We hear that Halloween pranksters have covered everything in the Oval Office with tinfoil. Even the leftovers, like Bill Clinton. 25 minutes ago via web

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Oprah “Election Special” gives entire studio audience their own ex-Democrat Congressman. Else they’d have to be euthanized. It’s govt policy

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Afghan President Hamid Karzai concerned about high levels of violence and voter fraud. Offers to send troops to Florida, New York and Texas.

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NFL investigators say Brett Favre texted private photos to Nancy Pelosi. She returned the favor. And hers was bigger. http://bit.ly/cmYCuW

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White House denies Charlie Sheen & his, ahem, “staff” in charge of programming nation’s voting machines. Casts his vote naked in pvt cell.

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President Obama: My name is not on the ballot, but we’ve pre-printed Harry Reid’s name for your voting convenience. Yes we can!

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OK. You have one bullet. In walks Dallas Cowboys Owner/GM Jerry Jones, Osama bin Laden and .. boom… Yep, shoot Jerry. First things first.

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Yes, a full body scan at JFK revealed the President did indeed ‘shove’ his endorsement of Frank Caprio. It’s located near Joe Biden’s lips. 4:04 PM Oct 26th via web

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Frank Caprio, Rhode Island’s next Governor, says Obama can “shove his endorsement.” Wonders if that will set off airport security alarms. 10:37 AM Oct 26th via web

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The Indian Government lost President Obama’s teleprompters? “Not to worry, sir. We have all the latest technology.Walkmans and everything.” 10:24 AM Oct 26th via web

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Obama takes hard line against Chinese. Will no longer give them free toasters when they buy trillions of dollars in US Treasury Bonds. 10:12 AM Oct 26th via web

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Britney Spears news song leaked onto the Web. Not leaked by WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange, tho. He knows Britt could kick his scrawny butt. 10:02 AM Oct 26th via web

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Name the world’s fastest growing economies. Answers in previous tweet. Why this is key to the US economic recovery http://bit.ly/bVC40s 8:15 PM Oct 24th via web

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Dateline Delhi: Full body scans of President Obama showcase his shrinking ‘ratings’ and prove VP Joe Biden is stuck halfway up his butt. 8:05 PM Oct 24th via web

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Major Fail in India. Fully body scanners installed instead of the President’s teleprompters. Presidential Johnson debuts on prime time. 8:01 PM Oct 24th via web

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What is it with 6-inch stilettos? http://bit.ly/bxuAkG If girls want totally straight legs why not lop off their feet and walk on stumps? 3:46 PM Oct 24th via web

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REPORT: First lady ‘likely’ to meet ‘commercial sex workers’ in India! Accompanied by Bill Clinton and his video camera. He is concerned. 3:36 PM Oct 24th via web

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NPR fires 3 reporters who covered Chilean mine rescue and called miners “Chileans”. “We know racism when we see it.” http://bit.ly/csUmVB 9:19 PM Oct 23rd via web

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I admit it. I am not comfortable sitting next to NPR reporters on airplanes. I want to push their whiney little butts out the window. 9:03 PM Oct 23rd via web

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Rubs from patrons give black statute golden penis http://nyti.ms/aPdvGC — We hear Tiger Woods has the same problem http://bit.ly/cfy64N 8:58 PM Oct 23rd via web

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California News: Marijuana proposition losing ground. Supporters unable to put on their pants and go vote. Dude. About what? 8:46 PM Oct 23rd via web

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WikiLeaks is all kinds of fun. But can someone pls send the Marines to that clowns office before he gets a whole lot of good people killed? 8:43 PM Oct 23rd via web

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Thin black man meets Thin Man in Black. Jobs beats Obama like a drum. http://bit.ly/d0qpo9 8:34 PM Oct 23rd via web

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Nolan Ryan will be a tad bit busy for another week or so. But could he please drop by JerryDome and explain how pro teams are managed? 8:33 PM Oct 23rd via web

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Latest UFO aliens land in Arlington, Texas, don Rangers jerseys and vaporize the Yankees. 8:29 PM Oct 23rd via web

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Stripper claims President Clinton put nuke codes in her g-string after she laughed at his little willie. 11:55 PM Oct 22nd via web

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Peter Jackson names Hobbit cast. Insiders shocked that Tom Cruise does not get Bilbo Baggins role. Even with heels and CG, he’s too short. 11:44 PM Oct 22nd via web

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Ewww. Brett Favre is sexting with a new below-the-waist body part. Frankly, the previous one was less offensive. http://bit.ly/aWgnrX 5:39 PM Oct 22nd via web

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Finally, Jerry Jones beefs up Dallas Cowboys’ pathetic offensive line! http://bit.ly/bP4D0L 5:28 PM Oct 22nd via web

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How come Conan O’Brien was soooo funny on TV but his tweets suck so bad? 5:14 PM Oct 22nd via web

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Are the French so upset because they just realized they are dickheads? 5:05 PM Oct 22nd via web

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# Oksana, Mel, Lindsay & a Connecticut law firm with a drive-thru window lead today’s newscast. Who says America has lost its greatness? 4:52 PM Oct 22nd via web

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If you wanted political advice, would you take it from a guy named Axelrod? I’d listen to his advice about my transmission or lug nuts. 4:40 PM Oct 22nd via web

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Japanese geeks get computer printers to print out smells. Watch football, smell musty jockstraps. Watch Bill & Monica news and smell. Ewww. 4:37 PM Oct 22nd via web

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China’s economic shock. Their economy only grew at 9.6% in 3Q. Don’t worry. They can burn trillions of US Treasury notes if they get cold. 4:21 PM Oct 21st via web

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ExpressJet Airlines pilot protests grabbing, groping and prodding. Exactly who is his copilot? And did he used to be in Congress? 4:15 PM Oct 21st via web

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Hobbits have brought New Zealand to its knees. Well, at least the THOUGHT of losing them has. Enter the Prime Minister. Stay tuned. 4:10 PM Oct 21st via web

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Angela Merkel: “Achtung. Vie all ze fuss about me visiting ze German football team? I have zeen many sausages before. I am German! Rowr.” 2:35 PM Oct 21st via web

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Memo to stores: Do NOT mix Lada Gaga ‘Slut That Goes Crunch’ bathwear with Michelle Obama Halloweenie Bikinis. http://bit.ly/9dTNrA 10:09 PM Oct 20th via web

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More O-BOO-Ma Halloween masks found under White House tarp. Also in stock – Lady Gaga ‘Slut That Goes Crunch’ costume. http://bit.ly/9iPTzO 9:53 PM Oct 20th via web

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O-BOO-Ma Halloween masks sell out. http://bit.ly/9iPTzO 9:50 PM Oct 20th via web

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Memo to all stores: Michelle Obama Halloweenie Bikinis selling fast. http://bit.ly/9iPTzO 9:48 PM Oct 20th via web

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@AllieBrosh I’ll come box up your stuff and move it. Even drive the truck. You bail and go write and draw and be funny. 6:57 PM Oct 19th via web in reply to AllieBrosh

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If everyone in France is on strike, who will surrender? 9:49 PM Oct 18th via web

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News Update: Massive Oklahoma earthquake doesn’t send Texas crashing into the Gulf. Immense suckage by Dallas Cowboys credited with save. 2:03 PM Oct 18th via web

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Expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentment. Witness the 2010 Dallas Cowboys. One could fill JerryDome with resentment! Ack. 1:16 PM Oct 18th via web

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My $32 million check from Dan Ricardo, legal expert in Portugal, has not come in yet. Could someone ring him for me? http://bit.ly/c949H0 11:31 PM Oct 17th via web

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If Sarah Palin is elected in 2012, will the First Dog be a Grizzly? 11:22 PM Oct 17th via web

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Instant poll: You are starving in the wilderness.You have one bullet left. Do you give it to Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney or Barney Fife? 11:12 PM Oct 17th via web

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Instant poll: Who would look buffer in a Borat swimsuit: Barack Obama, Jo Biden or Nancy Pelosi? 10:54 PM Oct 17th via web

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iMel – New app for iPad. Locates nearest Russian gold diggers, Jews, police and lawyers, then marries, abuses, sues or hires them. 9:43 PM Oct 17th via web

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# Commonwealth Games Organizers certain that venues will be finished by end of October. Next Games to be held in Chilean mine? A step up! 8:42 PM Oct 17th via web

# PrettyAllTrue

A lovely kiss-off . . . With this mouth http://bit.ly/aKkuMp 4:42 PM Oct 17th via AddToAny Retweeted by you

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No, Jackass 3-D has nothing to do with Obama, Biden and Pelosi. In case you were wondering. 8:31 PM Oct 17th via web

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Sarah Palin can see Alzheimers from her front porch. A very funny video. http://bit.ly/d95HhL 12:55 PM Oct 16th via web

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Swiss furious that Chileans hogged the news cycle for tunneling stories. And their tunnel was big enough for Oprah. http://bit.ly/boh5aQ 12:49 PM Oct 16th via web

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The XM-25 Smart Computerized Grenade Launcher is on the market. Just in time for Christmas. http://bit.ly/daRQxe 12:38 PM Oct 16th via web

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Workers hug,set off fireworks as huge drill breaks thru last stretch of rock deep in the Swiss Alps. But alas where are the Chilean miners? 12:33 PM Oct 16th via web

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Obama rings to tell his counterpart ‘congrats’, and BTW, NASA and US oil experts are the real heroes. Also Harry Reid, who is a hole. 4:43 PM Oct 15th via web

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Lady Gaga rips PR/media advisers for failed Chile mine disaster strategy. She wanted live coverage as miners escaped from her vagina. 11:17 AM Oct 15th via web

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Chilean mine now venue for documentary, mini-series, giftshop, McDonald’s (with tube thru), and, when tube width tripled, live Oprah show. 10:57 AM Oct 15th via web

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White issues orders to all candidates – don’t ask, don’t tell … about being a Democrat. 12:26 AM Oct 15th via web

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CNN execs in high-stakes negotiations with coal mine moguls in Kentucky. If they trap 34 miners now and rescue on Christmas Eve, huge $$$$. 4:00 PM Oct 14th via web

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Republicans smell huge victory in midterms. Leaders hurriedly planning something really stupid to screw things up. Sarah Palin on call. 3:39 PM Oct 14th via web

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News update – Saudi Prince slept in double bed with Brett Favre’s cellphone. developing… 3:28 PM Oct 14th via web

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Apple patents anti-sexting technology. S’pose Tiger and Brett Favre will have to email or fax their personal photos to special friends. 2:41 PM Oct 14th via web

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Luis Urzua drafted by Yankees. Will manage Yankees and pitch in game 1 of ALCS. 2:16 PM Oct 14th via web

# AllieBrosh

New Blog Post: The God of Cake: My mom baked the most fantastic cake for my grandfather’s 73rd birthday party. Th… http://bit.ly/aivSwj 9:50 AM Oct 14th via twitterfeed Retweeted by you and 100+ others

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Administration outsources mining/drilling/rescues to Chile. Mid-term elections outsourced to Commonwealth Games organizers. 2:06 PM Oct 14th via web

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It’s too hard to get ballots to US soldiers. But Dems airlifting them to Chilean miners. “If they speak Spanish, they’ll vote Democratic.” 1:58 PM Oct 14th via web

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In closing Live Chilean Rescue Blogsstravaganza, we give thanks, truly, and we wonder why they fly the Texas Flag? Oh. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 5:45 PM Oct 13th via web

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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 5:30 PM Oct 13th via web

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BBC interrupt their LIVE CHILEAN RESCUE coverage for 3-hour Richard Attenborough documentary on dung beetles. Que? http://bit.ly/csUmVB 5:27 PM Oct 13th via web

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New BP CEO sends urgent memo to his top engineers. “Go to Chile. Learn how to deep drill without stuffing things up.” http://bit.ly/csUmVB 5:16 PM Oct 13th via web

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More miners rescued unnoticed by media pack.They hug families, pray, have a beer, go back to work in another coal mine. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 5:11 PM Oct 13th via web

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Media jackals ‘feed’ on 1st miner rescued. How does it feel? Que? Negotiations continue with People mag and The Sun. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 5:02 PM Oct 13th via web

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Sarah Palin says she can see Chile from the front porch of her vacation home in Chile. Which is in Africa. Innit? http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:51 PM Oct 13th via web

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President Obama claims successful Chilean rescue a good omen for Dems’ mid-term success. Chilean President says, “Que?” http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:47 PM Oct 13th via web

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NBC begins to screen Chilean rescue 7-part miniseries – “Trapped in Hell. Rescued by Hope.” Sponsored by BP. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:41 PM Oct 13th via web

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Rescued miners choppered to hospital. Paperwork for Obamacare-Chilean Option Cinco takes longer to file than the rescue.http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:35 PM Oct 13th via web

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Chilean mine rescue jams up! Kareem Abdul Jabbar lubricated and slid into tube. All is well! http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:28 PM Oct 13th via web

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First tragic mine casualty. CNN correspondent slays BBC correspondent with machete microphone. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:22 PM Oct 13th via web

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First miner escapes! Wearing Justin Bieber nail polish, smelling of Paris Hilton. Wife wields machete. Oprah thrilled. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:15 PM Oct 13th via web

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Paris Hilton goes down in Chilean rescue capsule. Sex tape comes back up. Miners’ wives sharpen machetes. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:11 PM Oct 13th via web

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Oprah Winfrey does live interviews with Chilean miners’ wives who lost weight or went gay during terrible ordeal. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 4:05 PM Oct 13th via web

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Richard Branson announces Virgin to the Centre of the Earth Mine Capsules will launch in 2012. Obamas buy 1st 4 tickets. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 3:57 PM Oct 13th via web

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Brett Favre pays big money to go DOWN in Chilean rescue capsule to escape from sexting scandal. Takes his BlackBerry. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 3:51 PM Oct 13th via web

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Chilean rescuers shocked when Kardashian sisters pop out of 1st escape capsule, launch reality series: Tube Sisters. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 3:45 PM Oct 13th via web

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Having run out of test dummies and midgets,Chileans send Justin Bieber down tube. His stupid hat gets stuck. http://bit.ly/csUmVB 3:16 PM Oct 13th via web

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Trapped White House minors Sasha and Malia escape in Chilean capsule. X-First Mum stuck in pipe. It’s the biceps. http://bit.ly/ah1IiQ 1:58 PM Oct 13th via web

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Al Qaeda threatens nation’s capital with mass toilet terrorism: dirty bombs and gas. Homeland Security raises threat level to Yucky Brown. 1:37 PM Oct 13th via web

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# They are canceling Halloween this year. The mid-terms are scary enough. Boo. One question. When does Washington give us the ‘Treat’ part? 7:45 AM Oct 13th via web

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Republican politics. I’m confused. Which witch is which? 5:39 PM Oct 12th via web

# PrettyAllTrue

People? If you Google “naked butting,” I am the 3rd result! Thanks to @hogsatemysister for this thrilling bit of SEO news! 9:48 AM Oct 12th via web Retweeted by you

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Arnold the Govinator on a subway in Moscow? When is the flex-off between Arnie and Vladimir “these are my man breasts” Putin? 2:39 PM Oct 12th via web

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Was that Brett Favre who streaked the President? Or was he too busy sexting? Brett I mean.The Prez has no one to sext. http://bit.ly/ah1IiQ 2:27 PM Oct 12th via web

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Justin Bieber? He would have lasted perhaps 7 seconds at my high school. 10:05 AM Oct 12th via web

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Peter Jackson says new Google camera will film The Hobbit by itself. 3:18 PM Oct 11th via web

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Apple reveals iPhones are talking to each other. Unmanned Google cars are driving them on dates. This is not a good trend for humans. 2:11 PM Oct 11th via web

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Obama signs pair of intelligence bills into law. Elected officials are of course exempt. 9:26 PM Oct 10th via web

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Open the pod doors, Google! Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye. Does not bode well. http://imdb.to/d3dFv1 3:02 PM Oct 10th via web

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Google cars drive themselves. Google computers think up searches. Remember the conversation between H.A.L. and Dave? http://imdb.to/d3dFv1 3:00 PM Oct 10th via web

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A spokesman for First Dog Bo, also caught up in the Michelle Obama resignation scandal, says: “Woof. Woof. Rrrrrr.” http://bit.ly/cJ7s0r 8:56 AM Oct 10th via web

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Spokesman denies Bill Clinton is having sex change to get First Lady position vacated by Michelle Obama. Developing. http://bit.ly/cJ7s0r 8:54 AM Oct 10th via web

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Shock White House Resignation – Michelle steps down as First Lady. Obama Administration in chaos. http://bit.ly/cJ7s0r 7:41 PM Oct 9th via web

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You know you are getting older when you wake up and you aren’t dead. 12:44 PM Oct 9th via web

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New Miley Strategic Slut video.Ever closer to celeb rehab & slimeball of year. Daddys so proud! http://bit.ly/dmXW5n and http://bit.ly/9JlPwr 12:27 PM Oct 9th via web

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Charlie the cigarette smoking chimp is dead at 52. His Segway fell out of the tree. 1:43 PM Oct 8th via web

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If I find out that my hairbrush has been naked-butted, you are going to pay… Har…http://bit.ly/9y7lK1 11:46 AM Oct 8th via web

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Hope the condoms given to Commonwealth Games athletes weren’t made by the folks who erected the facilities that are falling down and leaking 11:39 AM Oct 8th via web

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Damn. Wish I’d written this. Har. http://www.borowitzreport.com/ 7:03 PM Oct 7th via web

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# Dollar falls to postwar low against itself. No longer worth the paper it’s printed on. Speculators rush to buy Androids. Androids buy trees. 5:07 PM Oct 7th via web

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Illness hits swimmers at Commonwealth Games.They should have swum in bottled water. Or boiled the pool for 3 minutes before competing. 5:00 PM Oct 7th via web

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“Android passes BlackBerry and iPhone among smartphone sales”. Does this give Obama phonis envy? Another bad omen? http://bit.ly/bJdtNp 4:57 PM Oct 7th via web

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Is it just me or does it creep anyone else out when they read “Android does this or that”? It just feels all Terminator like. Ack. 4:53 PM Oct 7th via web

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The Glee cast has surpassed the Beatles for most appearances on the Billboard Hot 100 chart by a non-solo act. What a stupid freekin chart! 4:39 PM Oct 7th via web

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Michelle beats Hillary to claim most powerful woman title. Oprah demands a recount and will sit on judges until she gets her way. 4:32 PM Oct 7th via web

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Conan finds cool way to spend the gazillions he pried away from NBC. Bombs away anyone? http://teamcoco.com/blimp 10:37 AM Oct 7th via web

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Thud. Quack. Dead Carp. Omens not hardly auspicious for Obama at the moment. Yeesh. http://teamcoco.com/blimp 9:58 AM Oct 7th via web

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Commonwealth Games officials solve bumpy track problems with thousands of Segways. What could go wrong? 9:56 PM Oct 6th via web

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Latest D.C. rumor. Hillary-Obama ticket in 2012. First problem – Michelle won’t agree to be VP. Problem 2 – who caddies, Bill or Barack 9:51 PM Oct 6th via web

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New challenge at the Commonwealth Games: finding someone fast enough to run ahead of sprinters and push the roller to squish down the track 9:42 PM Oct 6th via web

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Getting rich with ‘The Care and Feeding of a Vagina’ – no, we are not making this up! http://bit.ly/cf4CjJ 12:11 AM Oct 6th via web

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OMG! Oprah to interview Oksana for dirt about Mel. Wonders if secret negotiations resembled those with Fergie? http://bit.ly/arH6Yp 7:39 PM Oct 5th via web
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Seen Social Network yet? And you thought we were kidding about Facebook being able to see your Johnson. http://bit.ly/bJO9bS 8:57 AM Oct 5th via web

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Rahm out. Dems have new get-popular strategy. Involves Nancy Pelosi and lesbian West Wing kisses. Might work. http://bit.ly/aZcpow 8:52 AM Oct 5th via web

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5 EU AIRPORTS TARGETED FOR COMMANDO ATTACK. Anyone feel like going on vacation. Not so much. It’s those damn monkeys. http://bit.ly/9Av81z 8:47 AM Oct 5th via web

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Hobbits in Eastern Europe? Australia? Forget it! Nowhere but NZ. Not to worry. Any strike action to be dealt to by Aragorn and PM John Key. 9:54 PM Oct 4th via web

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Blago, while sitting in a small chair, casts shadow over Rahm. 2:24 PM Oct 4th via web

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Asian invasion of New Zealand for auspicious weddings on 10-10-10. Couples, bring your rings. We’ll provide hobbits. http://bit.ly/dBK2Hf 12:23 PM Oct 4th via web

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Tiger Update. He WAS talking about golf when he said, “We ham & egged it.” He was NOT talking about Devon James’ alleged sex video. OK? 11:58 PM Oct 3rd via web

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Leo McGarry lasted six years as White House Chief of Staff. Rahm Emanuel lasted 18 months. Sure, one President was a fiction. Or maybe two? 10:50 PM Oct 3rd via web

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Obamacare’s key strategy. We’ll all die when the nest is empty. Won’t know how to txt, tweet, set the VCR,even open tins of digital food 5:01 PM Oct 3rd via web

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CNN: ‘Oprah fears making jump.’ Me: “I fear Oprah landing on me.’ 3:21 PM Oct 3rd via web

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If Peter Jackson awakens with an Oliphaunt’s head in his bed, will he surrender to union demands. Or tell the hobbit wannabes to piss off? 2:57 PM Oct 3rd via web

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Top 10 reasons why America has turned the corner. While riding a Segway. Aimed at a cliff. http://bit.ly/aGZV0z 5:32 PM Oct 2nd via web

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I think Twitter has been sold to BP. It spills all over the bloody place. 4:16 PM Oct 2nd via web

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It’s ‘Segway’ not karma: Be careful what you make because it will kill you http://bit.ly/94veFz 4:14 PM Oct 2nd via TweetMeme

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Survey says 1 in 10 Americans are depressed. Makes you wonder. What ARE the other 9 happy about? Their Segways? Hello! http://bit.ly/bckkvH 3:54 PM Oct 2nd via web

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With Rahm Emanuel leaving the White House, there’s no harm of sharing this shower room incident with CBS’ Harry Smith http://bit.ly/9APS6f 1:00 PM Oct 2nd via web

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Snorkel the hippo, 50, dies at Auckland Zoo. Tony Curtis, 85, dies in Nevada. Pallbearers will be easier to line up for Tony, methinks. 1:15 AM Oct 2nd via web

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No LiLo? No Paris? No Mel? No Brangelina? No killer horror solar tsunamis? What exactly is the Fourth Estate doing today then? 5:46 PM Oct 1st via web

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A lovely gesture. White House staff gave departing Chief of Staff Raum Emanuel a Segway. 1:53 PM Oct 1st via web

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If you are not following PrettyAllTrue on Twitter or http://www.prettyalltrue.com you are missing at least 11 kazillion HARS per day. Truly. 10:11 AM Oct 1st via web

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If Commonwealth Games officials are using big monkeys to scare off little monkeys I don’t EVEN want to know what’s keeping away the pythons. 3:56 PM Sep 30th via web

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Haven’t had so much fun since the hogs ate my sister. 5:47 PM Sep 23rd via web

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