#The voices are telling me not to work, to stay on Twitter forever. I need another cuppa coffee.
#Healthy body, healthy mind. And then you have Jack Black.
#America, we are in desperate need of a hero, a man with courage and taste and overalls. I nominate…
#Mitt Romney chides Obama’s Magical Misery Tour? Who knew multimillionaire Mormons with concrete hair were funny?
#It’s sad to go on Facebook to read all the high school gang’s comments only to find out that I am still a smart-arse.
#I was missing John Madden and Dubya, then I wondered if they were both really Frank Caliendo.
#I will pay $100 to Mark Zuckerberg & Mr Twitter if they will send 10,000 volts into any computer user who writes LOL more than once a week.
#When John Madden starts doing the color commentary for Dancing on Ice, BOOM, I’m there.
#Is it just me, or is blocking social networks AFTER rioting has begun missing the point? Shouldn’t they just ban them n
#GOP UPDATE: With former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty out of the race, Newt Gingrich has ROCKETED up to 17th.
#It’s a good thing we have Twitter. Because there for about an hour, I was working. Doing actual work. Whew.
#I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Because I have one arm. And I am paper-hanging. While also twittering. Duh.
#I know that “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee.” But the Diabetes Foundation is at least moderately pissed at Sara’s cupcakes.
#Estrogen levels in San Diego are only now subsiding to where men can safely paddle across the street. BlogHer is a bitch.
#I think I figured out Sarah Palin’s problem. She put the Shrinky Dink necklace on and THEN heated it in the oven.
#I’d have voted in Iowa if Billy Connolly was campaigning on healthcare there, promising a colonoscopy in every pot
#Hugely disappointed. Just read up on The Pythagorean Theorem and there was no mention at all of John Cleese.
#Vote for Sarah Palin and be in to win an iPad. Just like the one Mark Twain used to write War and Peace.
#This morning I ate just one Lay’s potato chip. Somebody owes me money.
#Normally I hate rich, successful female writers, but I will make an exception if they have a 5 foot tall metal chicken.
#If your bucket list does not include tasering a Kardashian sister you really need to take a good, hard look at yourself
#It is cold, windy and hailing in my backyard. All things considered, this beats Oklahoma hands down.
#Who needs light bulbs when you have Japanese mushrooms?
#Methinks we should make Pakistan headquarters for the SEALs and let them rearrange the furniture so to speak. Bastards
#”Bachmann Leading Iowa Pork Poll”. I am dying over here.
#And if you thought Star Wars only attracted young men, you were very wrong.
#I know I should be thinking about the economy but when I look at Sarah Palin I’m thinking, did her boobs fall off?
#I know you were thinking Algore’s interwebz was a waste of wire and tubes and ‘tricity, but that’s just not true.
#Call me cynical but I think Qantas is trying to distract us from the fact their engines keep exploding. It’s working.
“We are the Borg. Resistance is Futile.” All things considered, that sounds way better than another presidential election.
#I’m not sure, but I think Chuck Norris is so tough that his shit could actually kill a bear in the woods.
#You have to forgive Andy Borowitz. He can’t get over the fact that every girl running for President can whip his butt.
#Everybody needs a Bucket List. And they should always include running a Zamboni over the Kardashian Sisters.
#Prostate exams are way better in space!
#I’ve told my son to read Orwell’s “1984” and to be wary of Big Brother. But every day of his life, Big Mother will be even more intrusive.
#Walking the Moosedawg and the Crack Puppy is a trip. He’s like dragging a bag of cement. She is like a zig-zaggy wind-up toy on speed.
#Yes, you can say “dicked” and “toweled” in a New Zealand family newspaper. It’s enough to make a Hobbit blush.
#Honda plans nuclear mission for robot. But before that, could they please get my seat belt to retract?
#There’s a good dog. What did Snookems bring daddy? Ack!
#What if we just let Judge Judy choose the next U.S. President? Sort of last quivering man standing?
#Ain’t No First Amendment in Singapore, You Dumb White Boy.
#How many times do you find high school gazoombas and record field goals in the same story? It must be a miracle.
#Maybe we should give the top 12 candidates one month per year as president, and 1/12 of the budget. And give the other 11 tasers
#I’m not sure which is more depressing, watching the London riots or the pre-presidential debates.
#You’d have to be pretty small minded to think this ad is sexist and promotes alcohol consumption to women.
#U.S. zoo on brink of finishing elephant sperm bank. “We just need a few more Hefty Bags”.
#This is a HUGE step forward for people like @prettyalltrue and me. Not that there is anything wrong with being anal.
#Do No Evil. So when London Police start using face recognition software & Google street images, law-abiding citizens should be safe, right?
#Napoleon Hill: “Think and Grow Rich. Just buy Apple stock in 1993.”
#Dems: “We should have picked Hillary.” No shit, Sherlock.
#1 in 10 Dominos pizzas in New Zealand by smart phone. I’m old fashioned. I still prefer them to be faxed.
#Nice to see #StevieWilliams apologize: “If anyone was offended by me stealing Adam’s thunder and saying Tiger was a dickhead, get stuffed.”
#This also might be a way to get children to BE STILL in church. After they stop twitching, I mean…
#Now that the Muscular Dystrophy telethon people fired Jerry Lewis, I wonder if they’ll offer Eddie Murphy a chance to resurrect his career?
#If you have gone all day without reading about gazoombas…
#Surprisingly, Nike has yet to dominate this market. Where’s the red poo-sh stripe?
#THIS is why we have Predator Drones. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
#To those who say TV is a vast wasteland, we say, “Whatever“.
#I’ve always said that good comic books could hold the attention of any man. Great plots on them characters, whoa.
#This explains why the University of Texas has Bevo the polar bear as its mascot.
#If you want to start a “grossest caption writing contest”, this is the story to use.
#Rather than making me actually write my book & publish it on Kindle why don’t you just go to my website & give me $10?
#If we gathered all the apostrophes that are not being used due to twitter, and dropped them on London, we’d stop the looting. Whooomp.
#Is it true that Helen Keller burned her fingers trying to read a waffle iron?
#If we issue a nail gun to everybody, I bet we can fix the problem of low-rider butt-crack pants in a day or two. Even Dez Bryant’s.
#Steve Jobs: “I am surprised and disappointed that iPhones did not bring peace to the world. But I’m sure iPads will, so go buy them. Now.”
#I bet Zig Ziglar could stop the London riots. Well, maybe with Tony Robbins’ help.
#The Crack Puppy can now eat a rawhide chew in less than 5 minutes. While farting like a pack mule. Sooo cuuute.
#Top 10 ways journalists use internet story doesn’t include porn, facebook, facebook porn and angry birds. Bull.
#London may be burning, but there was a lot more death in Waco.
#If Apple bought Exxon, would iPhones have a “fill-er-up” ap? Because I’d buy it.
“Apple now bigger than Exxon. You’d think iPads were cooler than gas or something.
#”Let’s invent portable cellphones and make them so cheap everyone can own one. It will make the world a better place.
#I’m as shocked as anyone. Hogs found a reason to use Facebook.
#Maybe we should make George Soros president. That or kill him and divide up his money.
#Don’t start your day with this post about death in Waco, unless you need to be reminded that your job isn’t that bad.
#I cannot believe I paid NZ$6.00 for a Starbucks coffee today. I was fully clothed and sober. Temporary insanity. I should be in Congress.
#Heh America, you knocked 3% off our stock market today. Stop it already.
#Next time I fly Cathay I’m wearing my pilot’s uniform.
#There is nothing lower than stealing a seeing eye parrot.
#One step forward and two steps back. Wow, the president is having a good day.
#Wait. Let me double check that. OK. It’s confirmed. “Democrats call for higher taxes.” GOP says “sky is falling.” Same shit different day.
#Want to be really creeped out? So bad you will never go to a Japanese restaurant again? Of course you do!
#OK, America, it’s raining like hell again in Nu Zillan. Open your hard drive and I will stream you some water. You have broadband, right?
#When you stop judging people … exactly what else is there to do?
#I’d be shattered that Jerry Lewis was fired from hosting the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon, except I thought he was already dead. Way dead.
#Was it Einstein who said, “Give me a large enough hoist, and I can hoist the entire friggin universe?” Or was that Mark?
#Attention Men. It would be wrong to suggest you buy beer and bring your video camera. Just plain wrong.
#And we thought Janet Jackson was lame.
#If you had a Baby Boo doll in the Sixties, it’s probably a good thing you didn’t live on Nebraska Street.
#I never thought the day would come, but I am going to stop bathing with Dave Barry. I’m going back to Calvin & Hobbes & transmorgrifying.
#I’ve decided to only watch the Ice Age 4 trailer … in an endless loop. Endlessly. It is brilliant and makes me happy.
#I mercilessly mocked Capt Buttface for his sailing and 5 year plans. He is now a CEO. I cant spell it.
#I couldn’t find my shampoo at the supermarket today. Looked and looked. And when the wife came? She could NOT find it either. A miracle.
#Sort of sucks that I never had a proper job: Just 30 years in PR & journalism. Well, I did sell hot dogs too. So there’s that.
#Can you image how great it would have been if Twitter was around when Robin Williams was a maniac? It would have been awesome.
#I believe Joe Biden has a simple medical problem that could be easily fixed with an enema delivered by a trained nurse.
#You know, it’s hard to imagine, but I think I like Jane Fonda less now than when she was entertaining the troops … in Hanoi.
#Have you noticed that Obama and Jimmy Carter are being mentioned in the same sentence more than Obama and JFK are? Wonders what that means?
#Why don’t they make a pre-pre-prequel? When Yoda was a young rascal, hooning around and humping yodettes on the dark side?
#Things change. In my heart, I used to look EXACTLY like Tom Selleck. But he got old and went on Friends. Now, I’m Hugh Jackman’s twin.
#Hacking insulin pumps. Because why?
#Why boats are good but submarines are better.
#Empty nester? Sniff.
#People who produce stuff like this should be fed to pit bulls.
#Tasers are for pussies. Real men use the Pentagon’s discarded Lightning Gun. More Power!
#Dear Designer Dog company. I need help!
#Tiger Woods thinks he can play golf. But he’d never have lasted on the Westwood course. Not the way we played at Normal High School.
#If you don’t think “Uranus” is dead funny, then don’t go here.
“Step right up and shoot the pasties off the nipples of a ten foot bull dyke! Win a cotton candy goat!” F&L in Waco.
#They say that downtown Beirut or Islamabad are dangerous. These are a walk in the park compared to the Chinese grocery store near me.
#And you thought returning your movie two days late was a major.
#At age 55, being kissed on the nose by a Crack Puppy is a great way to wake up.
#Randi Zuckerberg Leaves Facebook, Starts Own Company. Mark Zuckerberg has his sister assassinated.
#Darth Vader and his daughter to get Oscars. “Feel the force, Oprah.”
#Heather McCartney: “I had two legs before I was hacked.”
#NZ Symphony Orchestra on tour — “It’s basically just a rootfest with buses and instruments.” Who knew?
#Swedes always been a peaceful people preferring to spend their lives watching porn & splitting atoms in the basement.
#I understand the concept of Lingerie basketball. But where is LeBron? Oh, it’s the 4th quarter. I get it.
#Little known fact: John Belushi attained his buff body by eating lil chocolate donuts & working out on a used treadmill.
#Do you think it’s true that the best poopers make the best pooper scoopers? — Pig Piglar
#If you’ve ever, or known someone who has, please favorite and retweet this important tweet. It could save the life of someone you love.
#I blog that “55 is the new dead” and immediately a Facebook ad pops up for prostate pills. Effective plus also creepy.
#This totally explains Paris Hilton et al.
#An urgent message to the parents of potential plankers.
#Kim Kardashian stars in 3D shoot? In what, “The Butt that Ate New York?”
#’Smokin cigarettes & watchin’ Capt., Kangaroo, now don’t tell me, I’ve nothin’ to do.’ — VP Joe Biden
#’Oncet I knowed a feller who got lost in the fog and ended up in Congress.” — Barstool philosopher Monroe D. Underwood
#’Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune or temporary defeat. And other times it’s like a big fat ho.’ — Napoleon Hill
#”I am not discouraged. Because every failure is a step forward. Also, I am a retard.” — Thomas Goober Edison
#When angry, count to 10. Then slap someone with a wet fish.
#I’m helping my wife wallpaper the hall. All things considered, I’d rather have my prostate examined. With post hole diggers.
#Putin says U.S. is “parasite” on global economy. Oh yeah? Well you have sissy commmie titties. So there.
#If you ever made your baby sister cry, you should read this post, because it was a very mean thing to do. Ahem.
#If TonyRobbins were here, I would gratefully climb a ladder and joyously poke him in the eye. No particular reason.
#If Allie @hyperboleandahalf doesn’t publish her book or blog something funny RIGHT THIS MINUTE I am going to scream. Withdrawal sucks.
#If HogsAteMySister is not the funniest most compelling read on the internets, the I am not Oprah Winfrey.
#You know that scene when C-3PO’s head is easily put back on by RTD2? I need a neck that works like that. Or a live-in physiotherapist.
#Poll: Budget talks in 1 word: ‘Ridiculous,’ ‘disgusting’ and ‘stupid’. Note: MoFo was not an option.
#BACHMANN: WE ARE GREECE:. No, they have ouzo. We have nukes, which explains why our global bankers are somewhat more accommodating.
#CowboysAndAliens: I don’t envision a huge amount of chemistry between Clint Eastwood and E.T. but I’m willing to give this film a chance.
#Is it “Opposites Day” or is the economy MUCH worse than we thought.
#Half of European men share King Tut’s DNA which is why they look like this.
#Zig Ziglar would be Sig Siglar in England. Doesn’t have the same zing, does it?
#Rugby players have leather balls. Come to see ’em in New Zillan at the Rugby World Cup.
#So now we know why fish is a health food.
#China’s Wu: “We are pleased that America resolved its debt crisis. This means our Treasury notes are worth at least 15 cents on the dollar.”
#Black Eyed Peas star on addiction: led to “brilliance and disaster.” If the “disaster” bit was about SuperBowl halftime, we agree. It sucked
#Dogs: Did she say the family is coming back? I thought she killed them! Where have they been? We love the family! Yay!
#How come no one says they are 55 1/2?
#If they can make super computers and bionic limbs, why can’t they invent paper clips that will not mate in the bag? Stupid paper clips.
#If Obama would just use a Groupon for debt reduction, none of this drama would have been necessary…
#New Zealand spares no expense on fantastic new facilities for Sept-Nov’s Rugby World Cup.
#Dear Santa, I was only kidding about wanting either Snooki or Sarah Palin to be president. We’re clear on that, right?
#NEWS ALERT: Meatloaf is dead. No wait. He’s up again. Give him a towel.
#Now for some real Catholic soul, my talented son Eli Moore.
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