Hog Tweets – Your biweekly summary. Who needs the news?

Miley Cyrus has tattoo under her left breast. http://bit.ly/aSlJLW Appears to be a bar code to speed up rehab bookings http://bit.ly/dmXW5n

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Stung by international criticism, the Federal Reserve has decided to print less money. More of it, however, will be counterfeit. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:33:40 PM via web

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There is no fondling, squeezing, groping, or any sort of sexual assault at airports. Unless you want to get on a plane. Thank you. TSA Friday, November 12, 2010 11:24:13 PM via web

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Brazil tests literacy of clown elected to Congress http://yhoo.it/bVbREl. USA doesn’t. http://reut.rs/awELxA That says it all… about 12 hours ago via web

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San Fran attempts to win back the (boy) child vote. Last week banned happy meals. Now seeking to ban circumcision. http://bit.ly/bgmkcu Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:25:27 AM via web

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@PrettyAllTrue Do NOT order the budgie smuggler chili at Thong Thai. Alerts the vice squad and immigration. Friday, November 12, 2010 5:33:06 PM via web in reply to PrettyAllTrue

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New Zealand unleashes mutant killer sheep on unsuspecting world, updating the previous model.

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Jimmy Johnson & Dr Phil are not interested in coaching the Dallas Cowboys. They are however very interested in Extenze. http://bit.ly/ah1IiQ Friday, November 12, 2010 9:18:02 AM via web

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Sports mom assaults cop with sex toy http://bit.ly/cgnAqW Unclear whether she used the drive thru http://bit.ly/dbsE55 Friday, November 12, 2010 9:11:02 AM via web

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Obama bin Laden appoints new commander to spearhead war against West – Janet Napolitano. Assume the position, passengers. Friday, November 12, 2010 9:04:57 AM via web

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You have a mud pie. Who’d you rather? Janet Napolitano? Jerry Jones? The Kardashian sisters? Correct. You hit Jerry and wipe him on Janet. Friday, November 12, 2010 8:48:59 AM via web

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John Boehner to fly commercial as Speaker of the House? Well, he does like to cry… Thursday, November 11, 2010 8:55:05 PM via web

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Shock news – Brett Favre rumored to be on Jerry Jones’ short list for #Dallas #Cowboys’ permanent head coaching job Thursday, November 11, 2010 8:15:42 PM via web

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Awww. Democrats have offered to send Nancy Pelosi on a cruise … aboard the Carnival Destiny. “What does BYO Spam mean?” asks Nancy. Thursday, November 11, 2010 6:31:09 PM via web

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Indonesians still fondly remember Barry. “We really loved ‘Mandy’ and ‘Copacabana’, especially when you sang them in our mosque. Thursday, November 11, 2010 5:57:03 PM via web

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Nancy Pelosi: My fellow Democrats. You can have my Leader’s gavel when you pry it from my cold, dead, frozen fingers. Thursday, November 11, 2010 5:49:55 PM via web

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Turns out the mystery vapor trail off the CA coast was not a nuke missile after all. It was a UFO piloted by Elvis and Michael Jackson. Thursday, November 11, 2010 5:36:37 PM via web

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Alabama sex toys company opens drive thru window. If prostitution is legalised, a second, lower window will be added. http://bit.ly/dbsE55 Thursday, November 11, 2010 5:31:38 PM via web

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Lady Gaga and Peewee Herman have confirmed their interest in coaching the #Dallas #Cowboys. Once Jason has cratered. http://bit.ly/cp0t9x Thursday, November 11, 2010 4:23:07 PM via web

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Sarah Palin does Dallas. Scores 40 points against Cowboys un-D. Stops the offense three times in the red zone. Mama Grizzly 1. UnCowboys 0 Wednesday, November 10, 2010 11:08:45 PM via web

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Dagong Global Credit Rating Co., Ltd., the 1st domestic rating agency in China, downgrades the entire U.S. Doh. http://on.wsj.com/9lBo0I Wednesday, November 10, 2010 11:02:57 PM via web

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You know, for the wife of an alleged Muslim, Michelle is something of a fucktard. http://yhoo.it/ciEVZa Wednesday, November 10, 2010 10:55:57 PM via web

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Missile fired of Cal. coast unrelated to Iran, Iraq or al-Qaeda. ‘We are not ruling out a rogue Texas splinter group’. http://bit.ly/bTonrp Wednesday, November 10, 2010 7:20:40 AM via web

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Lady Gaga and Peewee Herman in Top 10 shortlist to replace Jason Garrett as Cowboys Head Coach. http://bit.ly/cp0t9x Tuesday, November 09, 2010 10:38:22 PM via web

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You have a hungry pitbull.On whose neck do you hang the pork chop? Jerry Jones? Kim Jong Il? Tom Cruise? Yep. Jerry’s the biggest hawg. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 9:06:45 PM via web

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Will the bikes Harley Davidson is making in China make this sound – chowmein, chowmein, chowmein? Nothing funny with rice comes to mind… Tuesday, November 09, 2010 8:48:19 PM via web

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Obama supports India’s quest for permanent UN seat. and announces that he would be honored to hold the position from 2012. “I will be free” Tuesday, November 09, 2010 7:40:15 PM via web

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Top NZ cop disgusted at drunk 10-year-old. “If a bloke can’t hold his booze by age 10, he’s not much of a bloke, is he?” Tuesday, November 09, 2010 6:00:40 PM via web

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Novartis AG seeks regulatory approval for pill with microchip. Goggle to collect data. “We promise not to harvest any thoughts or organs.” Tuesday, November 09, 2010 5:57:37 PM via web

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Rolls-Royce shares recover after ‘progress’ on engine failure. Seems they should NOT store Yemeni toner catridges in engine housings. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 2:20:38 PM via web

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@MrBigFists You would be referring to America’s Team, the world famous Dallas Cowboys? Smile when you say that Mister. http://bit.ly/9TkTkk Tuesday, November 09, 2010 1:58:47 PM via web in reply to MrBigFists

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Cowboys GM fires Coach after WikiLeaks leaks Jones’ brilliant Super Bowl plan. http://bit.ly/ah1IiQ Now all is perfection in Jerryville. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 1:47:17 PM via web

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President Obama joins up with Cher in Asia, seeking tips for leveraging his Farewell Tour. Cher’s lasted longer than his presidency. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 11:26:19 AM via web

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Obama bows to Indian Congress, will pray at Indonesian mosque & sacrifice virgins if time permits. Should “normalize” his image at home. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 11:22:04 AM via web

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Pee on your cellphone to see if you have an STD. Or your partner. Or your dog. Or your dog partner. The iLeak to b huge http://bit.ly/dmJETm Tuesday, November 09, 2010 11:13:22 AM via web

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Nancy Pelosi planning reception to honor accomplishments of the 111th Congress. To be held at Pearl Harbor. Bring your own torpedo. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 11:09:34 AM via web

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@GaryJBusey But being invisible is certain to get them into the Super Bowl. Right? http://bit.ly/a4halT Monday, November 08, 2010 7:34:34 PM via web in reply to GaryJBusey

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Most Indians thrilled to bits to have President and First Lady in India. Most Americans thrilled to bits for them to be in India. Win win. Monday, November 08, 2010 6:53:50 PM via web

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U.S. to quickly launch $900 gazillion billion Super Sucker Satellite to slurp up volcanic ash so Obama can visit an Indonesian Mosque. Monday, November 08, 2010 6:40:03 PM via web

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Of course. Michelle has heap more time on her hands since she resigned as First Lady http://bit.ly/bZBU9S @HotAboutObama Monday, November 08, 2010 12:05:47 PM via web

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Muslims dismissive of Obama visit? http://bit.ly/csUmVB Say they’re concerned about the extremists he associates with http://bit.ly/bZBU9S Monday, November 08, 2010 12:03:38 PM via web

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Chilean rescue humor? I prefer the live commentary http://bit.ly/csUmVB Hilarious interview -Letterman- Chilean Miner http://bit.ly/9e2cy4 Monday, November 08, 2010 11:56:53 AM via web

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Here’s the deal. Lindsay loves orange http://bit.ly/dAQe7l. Miley loves Miley http://bit.ly/dAQe7l. @trashmag Monday, November 08, 2010 11:25:27 AM via web

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#Barney Fife #Chaudhary shoots self in leg protecting Obama in #Mumbai. Better to shoot Obama in leg if he tries to dance again. Monday, November 08, 2010 11:20:51 AM via web

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Nope here’s why there is hope…http://bit.ly/a4halT#Cowboys News: Nichols: Here’s where the 1-6 Cowboys can find hope http://bit.ly/9E47YB Monday, November 08, 2010 11:02:45 AM via web

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But wait. Ol’ Jerry has a plan! http://bit.ly/a4halT @omarepps Dear Fellow Dallas Cowboys Fans. We’re going to lose again today. Sinc Jerry! Monday, November 08, 2010 10:51:06 AM via web

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But Jerry’s SuperBowl plan changes that. http://bit.ly/a4halT MrEdLover Why is $1 worth more than Cowboys? You get 4 quarters out of a dolla! Monday, November 08, 2010 10:49:08 AM via web

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Support #Literacy Day 2010- I did! I rode a buk culled, uhm, Laura, whut did I cull it? Rat. Cheney In Charge. Doh. That was not it Laura! Monday, November 08, 2010 10:37:26 AM via web

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#Confession time. I don’t like to dance in public, but I thought, who would notice when it’s with a bunch of Indian kids and Michelle… Monday, November 08, 2010 10:30:58 AM via web

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@BorowitzReportBeing suspended from MSNBC is one of those tree-falling/forest situations. If a tree fell on a liberal, would he notice? Doh Monday, November 08, 2010 10:11:58 AM via web

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@ctuckerAJCObama’s India security: 34 warships, 3 Death Stars, 12 inter-galatic transports and Capt Obama at the helm, dancing for dilithium Monday, November 08, 2010 10:09:42 AM via web

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Nope, Bush title should be past tense. Sorta like Obama’s presidency. @BorowitzReport Bush has titled his memoir, ‘I Can Has Prezidensy’ Monday, November 08, 2010 10:01:49 AM via web

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While Warning About Fat, U.S. Pushes Cheese. Surrender monkeys in France thrilled. Go on strike. http://nyti.ms/bjuMBy Monday, November 08, 2010 9:56:59 AM via web

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Yeah, David, but can Key dance like Obama? http://bit.ly/ceREv3 @DavidSlack Key to the rescue after Eden Pk drunkenness… Eden Pk redesign Monday, November 08, 2010 9:45:54 AM via web

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Obama Dude: Will dance for money to pay for my entourage. Inquiries c/o Air Force One, which needs av gas. http://politi.co/dipZia Monday, November 08, 2010 9:43:09 AM via web

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If you STILL haven’t bought Dad’s Christmas present, make an offer on this. He will love you. I promise. So will I. http://bit.ly/b5MygH Sunday, November 07, 2010 7:35:31 PM via web

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You know that pretzel shape? The First Lady just twisted an Indian security man into that shape when he tried to pat down her Prada. Sunday, November 07, 2010 7:26:16 PM via web

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Hillary sez: You Australians are incredibly courageous in battle! Unlike those little hobbits across the Ditch. Ha! Was the microphone on? Sunday, November 07, 2010 7:16:31 PM via web

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OK, Kris is really pissed. So DON’T apologise. Or worse, be obsequious. That would be foolhardy. Get you #in schtuk. http://bit.ly/91OM71 Sunday, November 07, 2010 7:13:17 PM via web

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@BorowitzReport Obama still has a job? You mean counting these options? http://bit.ly/cG1mGn Sunday, November 07, 2010 2:22:27 PM via web in reply to BorowitzReport

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Roy Williams says Dallas Cowboys can win 16, no, 17 in a row. That’s how many fingers and toes he has… http://bit.ly/ah1IiQ Sunday, November 07, 2010 2:20:06 PM via web

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Jerry Jones is all invisible. It’s part of his uber plan to sneak the Dallas Cowboys into this year’s Super Bowl. Shhh. http://bit.ly/a4halT Sunday, November 07, 2010 12:52:08 PM via web

# rayadverb
Fantasy football does not differ, in any significant way, from playing with action figures. Sunday, November 07, 2010 12:27:09 AM via Gravity Retweeted by you and 90 others

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Okie Down Under does NOT need you making him hungry for home cookin’ RT Danny_DeVito Crispy Fried Chicken, Biscuits, Gravy, Grits & Greens! Sunday, November 07, 2010 12:21:29 PM via web

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Jerry Jones has a devious, kazillion dollar plan to get his Dallas Cowboys into the Super Bowl. It’s all magical. http://bit.ly/a4halT Sunday, November 07, 2010 12:19:54 PM via web

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Alert. New Miley Cyrus media blitz launched in Spain. Phase II of PopTart to Gagaslut comms strategy. Here is the bgrd. http://bit.ly/dmXW5n Sunday, November 07, 2010 12:31:21 AM via web

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Qantas CEO not concerned about 747 engines. But he should be worried about seats being really soiled if their engines keep exploding. Sunday, November 07, 2010 12:00:43 AM via web

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Obama will not be protected by 34 US warships when he visits Mumbai. “We’d only need that many ships if he were visiting a Red state.” Saturday, November 06, 2010 11:46:38 PM via web

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Beat the crowd and Christmas shop for ol’ Dad this weekend? http://bit.ly/b9ZpSk or http://bit.ly/dgrLJq or http://bit.ly/bq5434 Well done! Saturday, November 06, 2010 2:50:33 PM via web

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@JimCarrey Love from Nu Zilland. http://bit.ly/dgrLJq Saturday, November 06, 2010 2:16:30 PM via web in reply to JimCarrey

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@MrBigFists All men of the male persuasion should have this tattooed across our chests. That and, No, your butt looks fine. Not huge at all Saturday, November 06, 2010 1:19:59 PM via web in reply to MrBigFists

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Before we judge this Aussie league star harshly, we must ask ourselves who hasn’t gotten drunk and screwed a dog? http://bit.ly/aKjDmt Saturday, November 06, 2010 11:34:23 AM via web

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Obama says explosion of Qantas engine was caused by poor communication, not a failure of design or policies. Well, he was thinkin’ it. Saturday, November 06, 2010 11:29:05 AM via web

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Internal server error? I knew I should not have had that laksa last night. Oh, it’s not so spicy. Error. Error. Internal melt down. Saturday, November 06, 2010 10:50:04 AM via web

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Radioactive rabbit in Washington. Caught him after following his nuke poos.True story. Now about that nuclear elephant http://bit.ly/deIw1J Saturday, November 06, 2010 10:30:02 AM via web

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BBC staff go on strike. Fox News get friends in Pentagon to launch preemptive air strike. French media surrender. Saturday, November 06, 2010 1:12:04 AM via web

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NZ PM John Key to Hillary Clinton: Sorry I called you “President Clinton”. I know you are way more powerful than that! http://bit.ly/aXazRJ Saturday, November 06, 2010 12:33:04 AM via web

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@Leah_Martin75 Hillary is all over 2012, just ask John Key or the Hobbits. http://bit.ly/aXazRJ Saturday, November 06, 2010 12:14:02 AM via web in reply to Leah_Martin75

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Flying Nun owner busted for DWI. WTF, “You can own a Flying Nun?” Sally Fields says “He likes me, he really likes me.” http://bit.ly/cvriTz Friday, November 05, 2010 5:03:36 PM via web

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Michael Jackson is back? Judging by the CD’s promo photo, he got a MUCH better plastic surgeon in the after life. http://bit.ly/aV8C8a Friday, November 05, 2010 4:58:17 PM via web

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Hillary leaves New Zealand after telling Mayor of Christchurch he has “excellent bling”. Seems Bill doesn’t any more. http://bit.ly/aXazRJ Friday, November 05, 2010 4:54:47 PM via web

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@jimmyfallon You getting all Oprafied? Don’t tell me you will soon be interviewing Princess Fergie douches http://bit.ly/arH6Yp Friday, November 05, 2010 4:50:37 PM via web in reply to jimmyfallon

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Scientific breakthrough will allow Dallas Cowboys to sneak team into Super Bowl, unless they turn it over. http://yhoo.it/bdSkt0 Friday, November 05, 2010 11:38:32 AM via web

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When China and even Brazil are worried about the US printing money don’t you have to say “You know Mr Bernanke, I think you are a goober.” Friday, November 05, 2010 11:02:24 AM via web

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Hillary Clinton for President 2012 campaign launched in New Zealand! By a Prime Minister. Who looks like a Hobbit. http://politi.co/cuxecY Friday, November 05, 2010 10:11:22 AM via web

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I’m saddened about those poor souls who won’t be wallering in the DC Hog trough any more. We can help them find work! http://bit.ly/cG1mGn Thursday, November 04, 2010 10:33:01 PM via web

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OK, you have one cream pie in your hand. In walk Jerry Jones, Adolf Hitler and anyone from France. Who’d you rather? Correct. Enjoy it JJ! Thursday, November 04, 2010 10:30:09 PM via web

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@AllieBrosh http://twitpic.com/33qy6n – Awwwwww. How sweet. Congrats to both of you velociraptors. Careful that the rings don’t fall off yo Thursday, November 04, 2010 9:23:47 PM via Twitpic in reply to AllieBrosh

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Finally the gut-wrenching issue dividing America has been resolved. Happy Meal Toys have been banned in San Francisco. http://yhoo.it/avDYq0 Thursday, November 04, 2010 6:59:15 PM via web

# PrettyAllTrue

And I found this . . . http://estrip.org/content/users/jim/0409/BaconLube0413.jpg Thursday, November 04, 2010 2:32:11 PM via web Retweeted by you and 1 other

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All Cowboys fans are invited to a “Let’s Support Jerry Jones” meeting before the next home game. Bring your own rope, tar and feathers. Thursday, November 04, 2010 6:51:45 PM via web

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Nothing better than Hillary “I am not Obama Dude” Clinton in NZ http://bit.ly/aXazRJ & Delicious Beaver icecream. http://bit.ly/bcaxsN Har. Thursday, November 04, 2010 3:26:27 PM via web

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Hillary in New Zealand. Representing America’s interests in the region. Flogging Treasuries. NOT at all campaigning. http://bit.ly/aXazRJ Thursday, November 04, 2010 9:43:08 AM via web

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Hillary Clinton lands in NZ. “I had nothing to do with Obama’s crushing defeat. Where is that Hobbit, Bill Moore. http://bit.ly/ahoKhd Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:36:00 AM via web

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Sugar soars to 30-year high. Because the election left such a sweet taste in our mouth? That or we’re just getting fatter. Gimme cookie. Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:33:48 AM via web

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Tritest quote S Dakota loser Sandlin: “We’re disappointed but optimistic…didn’t win but not defeated… We’re donkeys but also unicorns.” Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:18:58 AM via web

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Two-thirds of California voters said NO to legalizing pot. The other one-third? At Taco Bell. “Dude, I sort of voted. I think. What?” Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:12:48 AM via web

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The people have spoken. Govt in the Ctr? Check. Insane crazies? Great entertainment, not so much for office. Check. http://bit.ly/cG1mGn Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:08:18 AM via web

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There will be at least 15 minutes of talk about being bipartisan before the next wave of destruction is unleashed. Or did we learn anything? Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:05:11 AM via web

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No one ever said democracy was easy or that you only had to pay for it once. The price is eternal vigilance. You voted. Now be vigilant. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 11:17:30 PM via web

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@ConanOBrien In-and-out burger? That would be the William Jefferson Clinton Fat Burger to go? Wednesday, November 03, 2010 5:40:40 PM via web in reply to ConanOBrien

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Pelosi up for new job. Offers include: Spokesmodel, Botox; Most Obnoxious Panelist, The View; CEO, Pants Suits R Us http://bit.ly/cG1mGn Wednesday, November 03, 2010 5:32:26 PM via web

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@BorowitzReport Nah, Christine is better suited for these jobs. http://bit.ly/cG1mGn Wednesday, November 03, 2010 5:25:29 PM via web in reply to BorowitzReport

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@BorowitzReport Massive, post-election immigration to Canada dramatically raises I.Q. of both countries. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 5:23:33 PM via web in reply to BorowitzReport

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Big Sweep in Washington! Time to unite and help all the poor, ex-politicians find real jobs. http://bit.ly/cG1mGn Wednesday, November 03, 2010 5:22:02 PM via web

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Nancy Pelosi predicts Dems will hold, Titanic is unsinkable, and Dallas Cowboys certain to be in Super Bowl. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 2:09:40 PM via web

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Complaints about Kitty Dukakis campaigning at polling stations. Maybe it was the tank she borrowed from her hubby? http://bit.ly/9WTBeT Wednesday, November 03, 2010 1:29:28 PM via web

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Update election death threat. For Mayoral race in Tennessee involving dead o’possum. Here is the link http://bit.ly/9TQos5 Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:51:31 PM via web

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Election death threat… For Mayoral race in Tennessee… Involves dead o’possum with knife stuck in it. Grassroots democracy in action. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:48:22 PM via web

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Election results: Fox News wins in landslide. CNN and other MSM trounced. Shock wins by Facebook, Twitter and Google (which stole votes) Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:42:12 PM via web

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White House has clarified. Obama did not ring Giants because U.N. does not endorse “World Series” as being a global sport. “Too American” Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:19:10 PM via web

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Obama does not congratulate Giants on World Series win. Was too busy pleading with Electoral College electors pouring into Hillary camp. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:16:25 PM via web

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Report – Mumbai says US to spend $200 million per day on Obama’ visit. Tea Party offers $1 billion a day if India keeps him. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:09:17 PM via web

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In Paris, baby boy falls 7 floors, bounces off awning and caught by passer-by! If in Dallas, kid would be tipped and intercepted for TD. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 11:41:56 AM via web

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Cher says: a dumb woman is a dumb woman. Said that about Sarah Palin. Not while looking in the mirror or at her child. It’s all perception. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 11:38:29 AM via web

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@MrBigFists Or go all TSA and lick their necks at the airport. http://hogsatemysister.com/ Wednesday, November 03, 2010 10:31:58 AM via web in reply to MrBigFists

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Woman facing gallows. But Pelosi keeps stiff upper lip, and no frown lines, thanks to Botox. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 10:29:23 AM via web

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The FBI has launched the nation’s largest fraud investigation in 50 yrs. Seems Jerry Jones has pretended to be GM of a pro football team. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:33:24 PM via web

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National Enquirer eaten by aliens haunted by Elvis’ ghost who had a tummy tuck and bisexual romp with a yak. Actually, it’s only bankrupt. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:31:17 PM via web

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Correction:Tom Cruise was NOT hanging from a skyscraper. He was hanging from a backyard swing set. It’s a scale issue. He’s only 4-2. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:27:15 PM via web

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“Nowhere Soon”. The best song by a young up-and-coming singer-songwriter who happens to be my son. http://www.facebook.com/elimooremusic Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:46:24 PM via web

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Rumors that Beyonce is preggers won’t go away. Why? Eight weeks ago she shared an elevator with Mel Gibson. And you know how potent he is. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:44:46 PM via web

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It’s a grueling, down-to-the-wire photo finish, and we still don’t know the results. Who will win and who will lose? Mel or Oksana? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:39:26 PM via web

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Tom Cruise dangles from the world’s tallest building. This is some kind of Scientology initiation, right? Aliens and volcanoes come later? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:18:13 PM via web

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When I was young, I thought that FAMOUS people were the ones with the most talent. What bollocks. Bet you don’t even know Kris or Allie. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:11:15 AM via web

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# PrettyAllTrue

People? My post today is perfectly disgusting. Yay! Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:21:17 AM via web Retweeted by you

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@ConanOBrien Candy, turkey, egg nog – the three essential food groups. And part of any balanced diet. Especially candy. And cigars. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:07:40 AM via web in reply to ConanOBrien

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@BorowitzReport 50.1% of Americans say the country is polarized. 49.9% say it’s not. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:06:00 AM via web in reply to BorowitzReport

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Betty White says she’s always preferred older men. So that would mean who? Larry King and Moses? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:04:14 AM via web

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China and Nth Korea are sending observers to polling stations in Arizona, Washington D.C. and California to limit voter fraud. With Nukes. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:28:05 AM via web

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Joe Biden spends the last campaign day where he can do the Dems the most good … in Vermont. 1st choice was in the Chilean mine. Go Joe! Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:22:35 AM via web

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Fat? Who you calling fat? No need for America to lose weight. We can just build bigger stadiums. http://fxn.ws/azs3Bn Monday, November 01, 2010 11:26:33 PM via web

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For the first time in 281 weeks, Tiger Woods is NOT No. 1. Which begs the question – are the still playing golf? Any sponsors left? Monday, November 01, 2010 11:22:45 PM via web

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Brazil elects Dilma Rousseff as first woman president. She promises to eradicate poverty. If elected Sarah Palin promises to eradicate MSM. Monday, November 01, 2010 5:39:44 PM via web

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Palin calls Alaska Reporters ‘Corrupt Bastards’. Taking the moral high ground, they respond: “Heh Gov Moose Tits, nanner nanner, nanner” Monday, November 01, 2010 5:25:14 PM via web

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Neil Diamond,69, coming to NZ. My sister always wanted to rip his clothes off with her teeth. Still might but now she’d have to use dentures Monday, November 01, 2010 5:20:48 PM via web

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Reasons for poor turnout: Obama competing with church (doesn’t go), football (never played) and Halloween (has mask) http://bit.ly/9iPTzO . Monday, November 01, 2010 2:44:59 PM via web

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Say what you will about Dubya. But he drove his Daddy to the game and threw out the first pitch. No teleprompters or secret service needed. Monday, November 01, 2010 2:24:21 PM via web

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Halloween.The ONLY day of the year my wife likes my big, loudmouth moosedawg, who breaths in and barks out nonstop. Keeps away the ghouls. Monday, November 01, 2010 10:01:20 AM via web

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As a sign that there are no hard feelings, Glenn Beck has sent Jon Stewart some of those special edition Yemeni printers. The souped up ones Monday, November 01, 2010 9:58:57 AM via web

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Had a ’69 blue Firebird with white ragtop. Had a ’72 red Trans Am with the bird on hood. Sigh. RIP Pontiac. Monday, November 01, 2010 9:44:12 AM via web

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Please note: A pro baseball team from Texas is about to play a World Series game in November. Not the rapture, but not too shabby. Woot. Sunday, October 31, 2010 11:54:45 PM via web

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Do you hear it? “Turn out the lights, the party’s over.” I’m not sure whether Dandy Don Meredith is singing for Jerry Jones or Obama Dude. Sunday, October 31, 2010 5:00:49 PM via web

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Trust me, the live coverage for the Rally to Restore Sanity is legit. Look there! Forest Gump just ran into the Tidal Basin to get his Jenny Sunday, October 31, 2010 3:53:01 PM via web

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New iPhone app creates huge excitement on the campaign trail. ‘iBama’ lets u watch Daily Show and cast multiple votes in all 50 iStates. Sunday, October 31, 2010 3:30:09 PM via web

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President argues with heckler for nearly three minutes. Eventually, Michelle gives him back the remote control. http://bit.ly/cJ7s0r Sunday, October 31, 2010 1:10:22 PM via web

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Dems’ last ditch campaign strategy is to get Hillary into the field. Oh right. She’s on urgent business in … Cambodia. Yes she can. Sunday, October 31, 2010 11:45:42 AM via web

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Hef offers Justin Bieber’s Mom $50,000 to pose topless. We all know Uncle Hef is really trying to ‘groom’ Bieber baby. http://bit.ly/c3bMJZ Sunday, October 31, 2010 11:34:36 AM via web

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Dear President Obama Dude. Don’t want to interrupt your campaigning. But just to let you know, terrorists are sending us bombs again. Sunday, October 31, 2010 11:15:45 AM via web

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Osama’s Diary: If I get one more piece of Obama’s misdirected hate mail, I shall scream. And what is with this ‘Dude’ interviewer? Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:12:55 PM via web

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Osama’s Diary: Note to myself. Need 2 stop attaching wires to toner bombs, shoe bombs & pineapple bombs. And stop mailing from freekin Yemen Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:01:30 PM via web

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# DavidSlack

Solemn undertaking. 8400 new followers and I’ll start blogging again. Saturday, October 30, 2010 8:45:16 PM via Twitter for iPhone Retweeted by you and 3 others

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TSA names top three suspects in attempted printer toner terrorism – Canon, Brother, Hewlett Packard. http://bit.ly/aOd93i Saturday, October 30, 2010 10:20:04 PM via web

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Terror alert – TSA adopts neck-licking anti-terror screening; warns body cavity searches could follow on behind. http://bit.ly/aOd93i Saturday, October 30, 2010 9:39:19 PM via web

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NYC considers banning catcalls. What’s next ban? Honking? Drive-by shootings? David Letterman’s water canon? Harumph Saturday, October 30, 2010 3:37:37 PM via web

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We now understand why Zombies and Vampires are so high profile. Feds paid more than $1bil to dead people last decade. http://bit.ly/brf2nJ Saturday, October 30, 2010 10:56:04 AM via web

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Zombies walking all over the place are looking pretty bloody scary. Republicans aren’t looking that great themselves. Saturday, October 30, 2010 10:52:06 AM via web

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A Sri Lankan was busted with 2,060 diamonds in his stomach. Police became suspicious when he started peeing bracelets. Saturday, October 30, 2010 10:50:11 AM via web

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Emailing “Well George, we knocked the bastard off” from top of Everest just isn’t right. Don’t think Ed would be happy. http://bit.ly/9P6gvr Saturday, October 30, 2010 9:17:21 AM via web

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Not guilty in NZ Blonde Fury trial. Just in case you thought that the only girly stupidity was named Kardashian. http://bit.ly/aW7xib Friday, October 29, 2010 7:13:22 PM via web

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Scandal – Paul Reubens sexts picture of his Pee-wee to Brett Favre. NFL and Playhouse Gang to investigate. http://www.peewee.com/ Friday, October 29, 2010 11:51:24 AM via web

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New Osama Bin Laden tape believed to be authentic. He agrees to go on Daily Show. “Just don’t call me dude”. Friday, October 29, 2010 11:42:43 AM via web

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OK, so President Obama Dude, Jon Stewart and Barney Frank go into a bar. Bartender says, Friday, October 29, 2010 11:24:30 AM via web

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When Michelle Obama resigned as First Lady, who knew that Bill Clinton would try to replace her? http://bit.ly/cJ7s0r http://disq.us/qb0ge Friday, October 29, 2010 11:03:49 AM via DISQUS

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Rasmussen survey finds 65% of likely voters want to get rid of entire Congress and start over. Makes you wonder … about the other 35%. Friday, October 29, 2010 10:55:54 AM via web

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# PrettyAllTrue

New post: Gift from frogs http://bit.ly/asJUXU #in Friday, October 29, 2010 9:54:50 AM via www.prettyalltrue.com Retweeted by you and 1 other

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President Obama Dude and Jon Stewart seen holding hands and skipping thru Central Park. ‘Those were the days my friend, we thought …” Friday, October 29, 2010 10:42:50 AM via web

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Google cars grabbed silverware, small pets and pizza delivery men. Investigators aren’t shocked – Google cars snatched their emotions. Friday, October 29, 2010 10:36:42 AM via web

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And you thought all young singer-songwriters were all Adam Lambert-y. Not even. http://bit.ly/9N70ph Friday, October 29, 2010 10:25:38 AM via web

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NASA mission will take astronauts to Mars, and leave them there forever! I’d like to confirm bookings please for Mr J Jones and W Phillips. Friday, October 29, 2010 12:37:22 AM via web

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Psychiatric assessment shows Charlie Sheen is sane. “He had a really bad dream and thought he’d been traded to the Dallas Cowboys so…” Friday, October 29, 2010 12:30:15 AM via web

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Looks like the Dallas Cowboys’ defense took the field in San Francisco for Game 1, and Wade Phillips did the coaching. Nolan, not funny! Friday, October 29, 2010 12:21:54 AM via web

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Nissan recalls 2.1 million vehicles. Says many of them could be Toyotas, and the recall is “just to be on the safe side.” Thursday, October 28, 2010 11:59:27 PM via web

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Kimberly-Clark stops using tubes in TP! What about the thousands of jobs lost? What will former Democrat congressmen do? http://t.co/bmmDFmW Thursday, October 28, 2010 9:47:59 PM via web

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# DavidSlack

Looking at old Get Smart episodes. Pretty sure he couldn’t hold his liquor. Wondering if they ever called him Two Drinks Max. Thursday, October 28, 2010 9:03:25 PM via web Retweeted by you and 1 other

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Tsunami warnings Thursday, October 28, 2010 9:31:36 PM via web

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Wyoming nuke plant problem shuts down squadron of ICBMs. General says not to worry. Attacks NEVER happen during power outages. Or at night. Thursday, October 28, 2010 9:48:08 AM via web

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Hobbit News: Justin Bieber seen in New Zealand being fitted with big hairy feet. Nothing to do with Hobbit film. He’s just an idiot baby. 9:45 AM Oct 28th via web

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NASA to send astronauts to Mars and will leave them FOREVER. Mebbe they should speak to Chilean rescuers first? About a rescue-PR plan? 9:43 AM Oct 28th via web

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Dems outspend GOP in election. Sadly, 90% went to their Obamacare premiums.GOP focused its strategic spend on guns, pickups and non-witches. 9:40 AM Oct 28th via web

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Taliban lays claim to carnage in Charlie Sheen’s hotel room. Actor fitted with slow-acting life-destroying booze-vest. Get help Charlie. 9:35 AM Oct 28th via web

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Hobbit News: Cameo appearances confirmed Hillary Clinton (Hilbo Baggins), Charlie Sheen (Gollum) and Brett Favre (The Erect Viking). 9:31 PM Oct 27th via web

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Flash:Hobbit to be filmed in New Zealand! PM John Key to taxi WarnerBros execs to/from airport; NZers agree to be 4ft tall to cut CG costs 9:22 PM Oct 27th via web

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