1. Kiss a pig.
2. Take a leak off the Great Wall of China.
3. Taser at least one Kardashian sister.
4. Drink a beer from every country in the world.
5. Get a space-age prostate treatment so I can pee all these beers.
6. Get Wendi Deng to bitch slap Gok.
7. Go on Top Gear and drive anything that makes your face do this.
8. Get hit on by a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. (Not a short one. Well, if Sydney insists.)
9. Win Lotto, set up trusts for the family, tithe, and have my brain transplanted into any old donor body. (Note: this is the only way No. 8 is ever going to happen).
10. Write a best-selling humor book, movie script and TV series in one year. (Goal setting has never been the problem.)
11. Fly at Mach 2 with the Blue Angels.
12. Attend Mass at St. Peter’s in Rome. (Pray for my family, the world and the Dallas Cowboys, who have been terrible for decades for some reason).
13. Go hunting in Africa.
14. Or at least shoot pests here at home.
15. Eat a Dorito just one damn time without the tip embedding itself in my gum like a switchblade.
16. Become great friends with Dave Barry and give him a wonderful gift that proves I am not at all jealous of his talent or success.
17. Drive a Zamboni in the Stanley Cup, or at least over them.
18. Just once wear the magic slippers and fly like Little Joe.
19. See my son Eli perform in one or two moderately well-known concert venues.
20. Have my mate Billy Connolly prepare me for my colonoscopy.
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