TV ANCHORMAN BOB LARGE: This Breaking News just in! The Met Service advises that New Zealand is in the direct path of Typhoon Lusi. This Category 3 typhoon is expected to slam into Northland later today with winds of 178 – 209 kilometers per hour. Authorities are warning that there could be torrential downpours and winds capable of causing widespread power outages, and, (speaking in his most somber voice), we are told off camera, possibly the end of life as we know it. NEWS ONE’s Bambi Twigg is bravely reporting live from a Northland beach that is being hammered by savage rains and 900-foot killer waves. Bambi are you there? Do you feel like Dan Rather?
BAMBI TWIGG: (speaking from a calm, dry beach): Bob, Typhoon Lusi, a Category 3 typhoon, has yet to actually reach Northland, but locals are hurriedly battening down the hatches, stocking up on batteries and water, and, in some cases we are told, making final calls to their loved ones before they, and perhaps ourselves, are washed out to sea and brutally drowned in this horrific typhoon savagery.
BAMBI TWIGG (Breathless): Bob, we have JUST LEARNED that the Fire Service is sending two actual fire truck crews to Northland in preparation for what we can only assume is a catastrophic, horrific, devastating loss of life and property damage running into the hundreds of millions of dollars.
(film clip of two fire trucks driving slowly)
FIRE SERVICE CAPT. HARRY POST: What? No, no, it’s just a precaution in case the local boys get a lot of call outs for roof damage and they need a bit of help. No worries, Bambi.
BOB LARGE: Thank you Capt. Post and Bambi. You are very brave. I would say that our thoughts and prayers are with you both, but since New Zealand is a leading secular nation, I will only say may the Hobbits be with you.
BAMBI TWIGG: Thank you Bob. If I never see you again, it has been an honour working with you and NEWS ONE…
BOB LARGE: Thank you Bambi Twigg. Those dark clouds behind you look absolutely terrifying. Stay safe.
three hours later…
BOB LARGE: We have just been advised that, OMG, MetWeather Chief Gary Britain, has upgraded Typhoon Lusi from Category 3 to Category 2! That means Lusi it just one category less than Hurricane Katrina, which almost wiped New Orleans right off the map in 2005. Gary, is there any hope at all for the people of New Zealand surviving a Category 2 Typhoon, or will we be the next New Orleans?
GARY BRITAIN: No, Bob, this is a DOWNGRADE. Category 2 is LESS severe than Category 3. We now expect up to 100 mills of rain and winds of up to 177kph over the next 24 hours. There may be some surface flooding and a few sheds and trampolines tossed around but nothing major.
BOB LARGE: Nods and looks tragically somber.
three hours later…
BOB LARGE: We understand that Category 2 Typhoon Lusi, which only hours ago is believed to have utterly destroyed Vanuatu (footage of two sheds and a palm tree being rained on). ONE NEWS has this exclusive report from Coast Guard Commander Dugal Cooper from the government’s Storm Center bunker, which we believe is 10,000 feet under Parliament Building. Commander, what can you tell us about this horrific, once-in-a-1000-year monster typhoon of death?
COMMANDER DUGAL (looking bemused): What??? No, Bob, we’re still encouraging people to be prepared for power outages and to stay at home when Lusi hits, if they can, just to be prudent.
BOB LARGE: Wise words indeed. As you can see by our Live Swirling First World Radar, endorsed by Bruce Willis, Typhoon Lusi continues to swirl in a potentially deadly green swirling dervish of wind and rain and terror. Bambi, are you still alive?
BAMBI TWIGG (looking moist from savage typhoon mist): Bob, I don’t know if you can see behind me (footage of an overturned canoe), the devastation in the wake of what was formerly a Category 3 typhoon that leveled Vanuatu just hours ago. We have personally felt the wrath of Lusi’s (footage of three fat kids playing on the beach in the rain), but I have to say, the people of Northland are staunch. I have with me Hinemoa Curtis, a member of the Northland iwi. How badly have your people been horifically devastated? Even a little?
HINEMOA CURTIS: “It was choice, bro, hee hee hee.”
BAMBI TWIGG: As I said, Bob, the people in Northland are staunch. How is Auckland holding up? (cut to
weather girl weather professional Ingrid Kiphiss).
INGRID KIPHISS: Bambi and Bob, Aucklanders are no less staunch, even as they remain vigilant and very, very concerned that downgraded Lusi might yet have a savage sting in her formerly Category 3 killer tail of horror and doom.
(footage of three blokes wearing plastic garbage bag raincoats and drinking beer around a barbecue grill, complete with sand bag.)
INGRID KIPHISS: As you can see, some sandbagging has already been done to protect belongings, and more is planned (footage of firefighters napping on sand bags up North). Vigilance remains the watchword, especially down south.
BOB LARGE: Ingrid, what are the implications for the dairy industry in the Waikato? Could the rain from former Category 3 Typhoon Lusi be the silver lining to this traumatic ordeal? Could this break the catastrophic horror drought that is threatening to wipe out New Zealand’s billion-dollar dairy industry and plummet the nation into a tragic Depression?
(footage of cows standing on dry grass, looking, well, like cows).
FEDERATE FARMERS SPOKESMAN JEEB DRANGLE: We need a lot more than 20 mils of rain Bob to reverse the drought we’ve been in for months. We need at least 100 mils every day for a week to break this drought or we’ll be asking Parliament for disaster relief.
BOB LARGE (looking twice as somber as before): Sometimes it goes from bad to worse. From savage killer horrific typhoons of raging death and destruction, and the professionals who have to deal with this savagery (footage of firefighter wrestling with a giggling Bambi Twigg on the sandbags), to staunch kiwis looking death, famine and drought right in the face and kicking it in the guts (footage of cows, and Jeeb getting into his brand new $80,000 Holden 4-by-4). I’m Bob Large at NEWS ONE.