Any accidental death is tragic.
And yet how can we, as a nation, not laugh out loud when reading about Humphrey the killer pet hippo?
Here are the highlights in case you don’t want to read the whole story:
• South African Marius Els raised Humphrey the Hippo from six months.
• Marius called Humphrey his “son”
• Humphrey killed Marius.
Shocking, we know.
Marius had these beaut quotes before he was Hippo Chow:
“They think you can only have a relationship with dogs, cats and domestic animals. But I have a relationship with the most dangerous animal in Africa. Humphrey’s like a son to me, he’s just like a human.”
It’s fair to say that that relationship is strained at best, and possibly over, now that the 2,600-hundred-pound Humphrey repeatedly bit Marius with his giant hippo teeth.
As a public service, we are required to make the following points about hippos:
1) Do not be misled by this advertisement.
2) Hippos are huge freeking wild animals! Not at all like dogs or cats or even goldfish.
3) Hippos are considered one of the world’s most dangerous animals, killing 300 people each year.
4) Despite what the commercial says, Hungry Hungry Hippos do not eat marbles. They eat South Africans.
Also as a public service we must note that, although Marius qualifies for this year’s Darwin Award, he
is not was not the dumbest man on the planet, when it comes to owning pets.
That honor would go to Canadian Jim Sautner, owner of a 1,600-pound pet buffalo named Bailey D. Buffalo Jr who he:
• drives around in his modified car
• takes to the local bar and buys him beer
• allows him to pilot his personal Boeing 747
We made up the last one. But it’s only a matter of time, listening to Jim:
“A lot of people say it’s my age. My insanity’s growing with my age.”
“I don’t want to die with my boots on. I want to get run over by a big ol’ buffalo in the pasture.”
Clearly, it will not be long until Jim joins Marius in that special place in heaven reserved for men who are eaten by their pet hippos or gored and stomped by their buffaloes, who are like sons to them.
The saddest part of this story is that if these men just had to own a huge, wild pet, they could have chosen this whale, complete with the cutest Nu Zillans accent. Eh, bro?
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