Hyperbolic megastar Lady Gaga had a lazy weekend, leading at Lollapalooza, pipping Usain Bolt at the tape in Stockholm, holing out ahead of Tiger at Bridgestone, saving mankind by repelling the solar tsunami and hatching baby owlettes live at the Owl Box.
“I so wanted to sunbathe with Michelle Obama in Spain and expose my vagina on WikiLeaks, but I just couldn’t tear myself away from the baby owls. I was in an egg myself once, and I still love to cover my Lady Bits with feathers.”
Gaga’s 7-day media forecast includes:
– birthing Motorola’s new Droid 2 cellphone live on CNN and GagaNet (Parental discretion advised).
– leading a “save the penguins” global enviro-event live on the massive ice chunk that has broken away from Greenland, at Gaga’s request.
– headlining the live re-enactment of Chelsea and Marc Clinton’s wedding.
– visiting Hannah Montana tryouts in 50 states to coach 5- to 7-year old girls on make-up, underwear and being true to their own tri-sexuality.
– being appointed the new CEO of HP, and immediately announcing a new corporate policy on silicone top-ups and sexual harassment of men, women and owls.
– shockingly quitting HP to accept the role as White House Chief Adviser on Economics (“I believe that being true to yourself will turn our nation’s economy around – that and miles of latex and my uber virginity”).
– chairing the Iranian Revolutionary Council and launching her new line of see-through nuclear gaga-burqas.
– saving thousands of fans trapped by floods in Pakistan, and releasing her new “Pash me in Paki” CD.
– hosting the Academy Awards, Emmies, Razzies, Lezzies, Super Bowl, World Series and Nobel Peace Prize events.
– single handedly preventing the Earth from falling off its axis and ending life as we know it.
– bringing Michael Jackson back from the dead.
“I hope my fans can forgive me for taking it easy this week. Birthing the owls was so emotional that I need to recharge, which is why the sun is having another solar tsu-gaga-nami in my vagina.”