Be afraid. Be very afraid. And, no, I am not talking about 77-year-old Joan Collins in a skin-tight Oscars dress.
I am talking about frickin killer African bees, a 20-legged walking cactus, and horror bacteria discovered at the Playboy Mansion.
“We are extremely concerned about public safety. When these stinging creatures get stirred up they can kill in an instant, but we’re hoping to contain them in Hef’s jacuzzi,” said Dr. Tupak Patel with the Centres for Disease Control.
Anxious public health officials initially considered proclaiming a national health emergency when they saw bacteria the “size and temperament of pit bulls” attached to Hef’s loins.
“But we’re reasonably confident that these bacteria are unique and could not exist outside of Hef’s underwear. Unless the bacteria were to mutate – say, for example, by coming into contact with Charlie Sheen – we think America is relatively safe,” says Dr Patel.
Less lethal than Playboy cooties but deadly nonetheless are African killer bees. CDC says that when a killer bee hive is disturbed, anything within 600 yards — pets, horses, children — is vulnerable. “Their venom is so toxic it could even kill Charlie Sheen, and that guy eats STDs for breakfast without harm. That was probably a bad analogy, don’t print that,” said Dr. Patel.
The African killer bees now taking over Florida are indistinguishable from typical honey bees — except for their unique sound and behavior. “Under a magnifying glass you can see they play tiny vuvuzelas and jump up and down waving photos of Nelson Mandela”.
Although its resources are stretched, CDC has dispatched a specially trained team to investigate a major health threat in China – the 20-legged walking cactus.
“It’s genus is Lobopodian” which roughly translates to “this sucker looks an awful lot like Charlie Sheen, especially its prickly region”.
Even though these hideous creatures last punctured their enemies 520 million years ago — most likely at the Playboy Mansion when Hef was a young man — the CDC is taking no chances.
“Anyone who has seen Jurassic Park, or Charlie Sheen’s crotch rash, knows that our nation remains at risk. God help us if those walking cactus mutate with the Playboy bacteria. That would be worse than the killer horror solar tsunami. No one could survive that. Not even Charlie Sheen.”
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