Recently I watched The Road with my son.
It’s a powerful, post-apocalyptic tale of a man and his son trying to survive by any means possible.
This movie, and the fact that our power was recently off for FIVE HOURS, made one thing absolutely clear.
When the world turns to post-apocalypse custard, I will last, at best, 15 minutes with NO ELECTRICITY.
At which point I will run outside and promptly be eaten alive by roving packs of zombie cannibals.
It’s not liked I wasn’t warned about the upcoming power outage.
In fact, our power company sent me about 900 letters, emails and carrier pigeons with DIRE WARNINGS that there would be NO POWER for SEVERAL HOURS.
But these warnings did not scare me.
First off, they were about something that was going to happen waaayyyy in the future. Like next week.
Second, I figured if it happened, I would just tough it out.
By reading an actual book.
Or maybe typing away on the laptop using battery juice.
But here is what happened, and I quote.
That was the sound of electricity, and my brain, going off at exactly 10a.m.
This, in the exact order, is what happened next.
I decided to make myself a cup of strong coffee to get me through the TIME WITHOUT POWER.
So I walked into the kitchen and: turned on the light switch, laughed at myself for being a dufus, then walked straight to the electric kettle, which I turned on, which of course didn’t work.
That was the sound of me laughing Homer-esquely at myself.
At which point I decided to go take a leak, so I went into the bathroom and turned on the light switch.
Which annoyed me greatly, since I was simultaneously being deprived of caffeine and electricity.
Never mind. I decided to put on my big boy pants and ride out the storm.
So I went back into the kitchen, planning to make my coffee just like the cowboys did.
They didn’t use a sissyfied electric kettle.
They heated their cups of water in the microwave.
That was me after approximately 90 seconds sans-electricty.
I walked back into my home office, slammed the door shut and turned on the light.
In the next 10 minutes I:
- walked back into the kitchen, where I again turned on the light switch and then put the wheat bag in the microwave
- sat in front of my totally charged-up laptop — which WORKED — YAY — then decided to send some business emails
- picked up my dead fax/phone to make a few calls
- went to my desk where I turned on the lamp, decided to write activity reports (YAY), and then print them out (DAMMIT!)
- returned to the kitchen, grabbed an Oreo and, careful to NOT turn on the light switch, I made my way to the electric kettle
- said numerous really bad words and decided to walk the Moosedawg
- after which I went into the bathroom and turned on the light (DOH!)
- and then decided I was hungry and should heat up… (DOH! DAMMIT!)
- said many, many really bad words
By now it was 10.13 a.m.
And I was insane.
So I packed up the laptop and went to my emergency back-up office (McDonald’s).
Which had approximately 9,000 of my pissed-off, laptop-carrying neighbors, madly elbowing each other to get a cuppa, a booth, and access to wi-fi and civilization.
When it all turns to custard, we will all be eaten alive by zombie cannibals.
We will be powerless to resist.
And too crazy to stay home in the dark.