A wild duck must have had malfunctions in his GPS and thrusters this morning, because he ended up on our front deck.
Which wasn’t that big a deal until the Crack Puppy and the Moosedawg went out to pee.
Immediately upon sighting the Terror Duck, Crack Puppy went into the rat-a-tat, 10,000-barks-per-minute frenzy that so endears designer dogs to the world.
I don’t think the Crack Puppy pooped. But the Terror Duck definitely did. Whoa. Green duck stuff all over the green deck.
The Terror Duck spread his wings, quacked menacingly, ran in circles, and then *ducked into the front yard, at which point he froze stock still and became totally invisible.
Apparently said duck cannot fly, or he forgot how to fly due to the traumatic experience with the Crack Puppy who, despite being on the same calming meds as Mike Tyson, can still go berzerk for brief periods.
The Terror Duck initially thought his evil plan of invisibility had worked. The Crack Puppy ran out of breath and decided to flee back into the house to regroup and get more bark ammo.
But about that time the sleepy Moosedawg lumbered slowly into the front yard. Well, not so much lumbered, as moseyed, like the Tin Man. He’s 13, you know.
Buddy went to his usual morning pee stop, about four feet away from the Terror Duck, and calmly discharged about 900 gallons.
Right then, you just knew the Terror Duck was thinking, “???????”.
Because ducks are stupid.
Fight? Flee? Poop? These were the main options, since he could not fly. But nature’s instincts were strong, and the Terror Duck decided to remain invisible.
Until the Moosedawg glanced over and saw right through the Terror Duck’s Feathers of Invisibility. At which point you could hear his duck sphincter slam shut.
The Moosedawg’s response was quick and consistent: “What?” He has never, ever cared about cats, ducks, or other varmits.
But the Terror Duck did not know this. He just saw a 100-pound wolf looking hungrily at him. So he opened the bomb-bay doors and did a MAJOR DUCK POOP, which jet-propelled him back to the Deck of Sanctuary.
The unconcerned Moosedawg strolled off. The Crack Puppy continued to inhale oxygen. And my family members — who had all been watching this circus — went inside with a collective, “sooooooo cuuuuuute.”
About five minutes later, I heard Junior saying he’d given the Terror Duck a piece of bread, which is EXACTLY what you’d want to do with a stupid, green-slime-pooping duck that terrorizes the Crack Puppy. You might as well invite him to move in permanently, right?
Annoying grown-up man cub.
So I go outside to check on the bread thing, and I see the Totally Invisible Terror Duck. He’s standing stock still. On TOP of the piece of bread.
A real rocket scientist, this duck.
At this point, the totally recharged Crack Puppy comes flying out the front door, and this time she is armed for bear, er, duck.
She goes right for the Terror Duck, and he crazily shoots off into the front yard, eventually hiding in the secluded, overgrown corner.
I capture the deranged Crack Puppy and take her back inside, hoping the rocket scientist duck will soon remember how to fly, or at least learn to climb stockade fences.
He did neither.
But my soft-hearted son eventually opened the gate and somehow got the stupid Terror Duck to leave. But not before he dumped a major payload of green slimey duck goo on my driveway.
I have not seen the duck or my son since.
*Quacks me up.
Unrelated Waco story that also includes duck poo.
SHAKY CRACK PUPPY UPDATE:
Crack Puppy is getting better. Her sad neurological tale is here.
Click Facebook Like below for your FREE TERROR DUCK. Act now and we will throw in a pony.