You’ll need another head coach come January 2, after the crumpled body of Jason Garrett is carried off the field in a ball bag. Here’s our shortlist:
1. Mel Gibson – Get him all likkered up and, woa, the dead men walking in Cowboys uniforms will get all kinds of fired up or be eaten alive by Mel and his savage pack of divorce lawyers.
2. Luis Urzua – the last man out of the Chilean mine. Why? Two reasons. First, if he could get three dozen men trapped underground for nine weeks to pull together, he can get 22 players to pull together for nine games. Second, and more importantly, he has access to the mine shaft, and would know how to cram Jerry into the “down elevator”.
3. Dr. Phil – The poor Cowboys must be absolutely traumatized by their bitter experience of going 1-7 and losing the chance to play in Super Bowl XLV. With enough foot massages and aromatherapy, I’m sure Dr Phil can get the Cowboys back on track. Once the girls on defense quit crying.
4. Rahm Emanuel (Former White House Chief of Staff) – If anyone’s ego is bigger than Jerry Jones’ (scary to consider that, I know), it’s Barack Obama. And Rahm tolerated him for, what, at least 18 months? Also, Rahm likes to parade around nude in the showers, using his Johnson to intimidate lesser-thans. Would he be a great role model or what?
5. Lady Gaga – Sure she’s a slut. And she’s sold gazillions of albums with very little talent. See the similarities between her and the Cowboys. Imagine the synergies? Especially if she hired Rahm as her assistant coach/head shower boy.
6. Brett Favre – Look, if you need a bigger dick than Jerry Jones… Brett is your man. Just imagine his sexts on the Jumbotron.
7. Former Lt. Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal — He joked about the VP being called Bite Me not Biden. He said President Obama looked “uncomfortable and intimidated” at the Pentagon. If the Prez and VP don’t intimidate him, MAYBE even Jerry won’t be able to. Besides, Stanley still carries his big guns and has friends at the Pentagon.
8. Jimmy Johnson – Wouldn’t that be a hoot. Jerry on Viagra. Jimmy on Extenze. Cowboys on Shake Weights. Is that a formula for rising to the occasion or what?
9. Peewee Herman – Granted, he’s not much tougher and scarier than Wade Phillips. But he’s got all that experience playing with himself in public, like the Cowboys, so he may be the perfect wanker for the job.
10. Mark Cuban – Jerry and Mark in the same room. Lord have mercy… Mine’s bigger than yours! NO MINE’S BIGGER THAN YOURS! I’ve got more money than you! NO I’VE GOT MORE MONEY THAN YOU! Sure, this would only last about 10 minutes. But it would be way better than watching the Cowboys. Neither of these guys would give up. It would be like a Texas Billionaire Death Match.
No, Jason “Red Zone” Garrett did not make the list. Remember, the 2010 season killed him dead.
Anyone missing from this list? Add your own nominations in comments.
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