“OK, what have you got for us,” Billy Ray Cyrus asks the PR strategist, as his daughter Miley paints her toenails.
“We’ve had 2.12 billion hits of Miley’s lap dance – that’s all screens and print. And we should top that with her lesbian kiss on Britain’s Got Talent,” says the PR.
“Gimme the business plan. So what’s next? Is Miley turning into a drunk or P addict for the June news cycle, or does she go all little girl for awhile? Or do we out her as a nymphomaniac? I’ve lost my Gantt scandal chart.”
“Here Daddy, just use my i-phone. Click Miley Slut. It will be a killer app when it goes live in July, but this beta version works OK,” says Miley, turning her attention back to her feet. “Which color goes best on my toes – black or dark purple? I think black will go best with August’s SHOCK nipple ring photo shoot, and black goes with the car crash black-and-blue face photos in September.”
“Peanut, I think they’re both nice. You look great in black and blue… So, where were we? Brief me on the next quarter.”
“Our focus groups and digi-polling show that Lady Gaga has SLUT all locked up. So Miley, honey, you need to put away the Goth colours and pull out the Disney pastels again. Now don’t throw a fit, it’s just until Gaga ends her tour. We need to go all mainstream media this cycle, all Hannah Montana redux. BUT, you’ll love this, we’ll re-use all this Hanna footage in our huge pre-Christmas campaign. Are you ready? Headline – “Daddy and Disney Horrified by Miley Sex tape.”
“Finally, my sex tape! Wicked!”
“Is this the real sex tape or like the lap dance thing – all hype?” asks Billy Ray. “If it’s the real sex tape, are we using the footage we shot when Miley was 14 with the quarterback or the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? It’s a shame Justin Bieber was only 9 back then.”
“No, we’ll use the Cowboys footage when Miley goes into rehab 3Q 2011. This content is the soft porn Miley shot with the hand-held in her treehouse when she was 11. You know, the one where she did the striptease to Achy Breaky Heart, and all the neighborhood kids were dressed in Disney animal costumes.”
“That was SO FUN, Daddy,” squeals Miley, as she leafs through a celebrity rehab brochure.
“Your Daddy still loves that song, honey bear. And you looked so cute singin’ it in in your momma’s black S&M stockings,” says Billy Ray, briefly smiling at the memory, but then refocusing on the business at hand.
“What’s my angle, my media spin? I need an Excel spreadsheet of my media statements for each campaign. I do not want to leave any money on the table. What’s my line again when Miley goes all porno – ‘She was just having fun; that’s what kids her age do'”?
“No, that was the lap dance comment but it has legs. It also goes with the first ‘Drunken Miley’ footage and possibly the lezzy kiss shot with Gaga, but I want to focus group that one again. No, your line for Miley’s Porno is, “Miley is just a victim of technology. My little girl’s privacy has been invaded and it makes me really angry. She’s just so upset, and it’s so unfair!”
“That’s all? I thought I was getting more air time – and I was going to punch out a paparazzi or slap the porn boy around. Remember I’ve got an album coming out, and getting divorced from your Momma, too!”
“Daddy, this is all about ME, ME, ME, remember? You know I am totally there for you and your comeback, but let’s stay on message. You can get your TARPS after my abortion and suicide attempt scandal next fiscal year, OK, my dearest Daddeeeeeee?”
“Oh all right. Daddy’s little girl is just getting so growed up.”