Somehow, we did not fry to a crackly crunch when the killer horror solar flare hit New Zealand.
But we are still at risk. Death lurks everywhere, namely:
1. As I looked out my home office window into the back yard this morning, I saw a killer palm frond the size of Buick plummet to Earth and land on the clothes line. If I had been outside hanging clothes when it fell, I would be dead now. I am taking this as a sign from God. After all, it IS Lent.
2. Don’t even think about giving a baby a bottle in New Zealand. Not if you are a newborn’s mother with cracked nipples or a helpful Dad. Else the La Leche League Suicide Breastfeeding Jihadis will storm into your house shouting “Breast is Best!” and then blow themselves and, presumably, their breasts up.
3. The rats are deadly. Well, not so much the rats, but the GM Finance after she finds out that you killed a rat with her favorite little gardening shovel. (Women do not understand the concept of “self defense” if it involves getting rat guts on their equipment.)
4. Drivers. All of them. Kiwis are the nicest people you would ever want to meet, until they get behind the wheel. Then they are certifiably, homicidally insane. They think: a)the following distance is 6 inches, b) you must never signal because the person who sees your signal might be a bloody Australian and you never, ever do anything for those bastards, and c) New Zealand’s insane “give way” rule should always be followed unless you forget. (In short, when you are turning left, the person coming toward you has the right of way if he is turning right, going in front of you. How stupid is that? And NOW this stupid law is about to change, so we will all be killed during the *transition.
5. “China Chinese” student pedestrians, drivers and latte drinkers. All deadly. Every damn one of them. Yes, I am a racist. And I happen to be married to a Singaporean Chinese, and THEY are bigger racists than me when it comes to “China Chinese”! Auckland’s main universities have experienced an Asian Invasion. Every day, as I drive by, I have to slam on the brakes and take Top Gear-like evasive action to avoid running over one or more iPod wearing, suitcase pulling, wrong-way-looking, stiletto-wearing “China Chinese” who have **NO FREAKING SENSE. And they are all rich and do NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR ***HONKY ARSE.
6. Tramping near a glaciers.
7. Tramping on a trail.
8. Tramping on the beach.
9. Tramping anywhere near a Catholic Goat.
10. And, it goes without saying, tramping, ahem, with New Zealand’s multi-talented sheep.
Seriously, New Zealand will kill you, so just stay home.