Feb. 4, 2011 – FLASH SUPER BOWL NEWS UPDATE – PREVIOUSLY DEAD NFL GREAT BRETT FAVRE WILL START AT QUARTERBACK FOR BOTH SUPER BOWL TEAMS AND PLAY DRUMS FOR THE BLACK EYED PEAS DURING HALFTIME! DEVELOPING.
(Previously filed story, January 5, 2011, New York) — The NFL has announced that Brett Favre will start EVERY playoff game this weekend.
This despite the legendary quarterback being retired, concussed, diabetic, paraplegic, blind and clinically dead.
“Sure, he’s had a hard year. But overall, he’s in better shape than normal for this late in the season. And the guy’s a legend. If the people who love Brett Favre, who hate Brett Favre, and who got texts of Brett Favre’s penis all tune in, we estimate a global audience of 7.3 billion,” said an NFL official.
CBS is sparing no expense in showcasing this mammoth event, even working with foreign governments.
French President Sarkozy has agreed to bring the Concorde out of mothballs so that Favre can criss cross America at Mach 2 and be at every game, just in time to start.
CBS initially planned to ask the U.S. Air Force for a super-fast plane for Favre, but then “we thought about all the gear we’d need on board, and about how hot Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is, so…”
Adds French President Sarkozy: “Oui. Oui. We in Franz love thees American futball. Well, truthfully, we don’t care a damn about American futball. But Carla has thees thing for Monsieur Brett since he sexted her. Le slut.”
Specialists from the Mayo Clinic will be on board the Concorde with a fully equipped sports medicine facility in case Favre needs a massage, transfusion, arthroscopic surgery or possibly a heart-lung transplant between starts. The Concorde will telecast full coverage of Favre’s medical procedures, and any court-ordered depositions – available on a pay-per-view basis.
NFL officials have yet to announce which playoff teams Favre will actually start for, or how long he will play in each game. That decision is to be made by All-Universe Broadcasting Legend John Madden, who is being brought out of retirement for this event.
“Favre is like Superman, but even Kryptonite won’t stop this guy. You throw Kryptonite at Favre and, BOOM, it doesn’t matter. He still starts. He’s a player. Who am I again?” said Madden.
Favre is the only quarterback in NFL history to throw for over 70,000 yards and 500 touchdowns, bring down the Berlin Wall, defeat Lex Luthor, play for all 32 NFL teams, and discover penicillin (which has been especially useful in his career).
CBS and MTV will cohost this “full-court lollapuhlooza – Favre-a-thon- , which will be “bigger than Jersey Shore, Lady Gaga and the Beatles, all rolled into one.”
The expected ratings bonanza has attracted some of the biggest advertisers and sponsors in America.
Apple is launching a new iFavre (Brett Phone) with a long, thin, fold-out screen.
Kodak and Google are releasing the Penisizer, based on the wildly popular Squirrelizer. But instead of adding a squirrel to your digital photo, this will add Brett’s ‘little brother’, if you get our drift.”
Favre is also expected to perform at half-time with Elvis and Michael Jackson. “We just have to work through a few details with Sony and the mortuary,” said a spokesman.
Adds Brett Favre himself: “This is all very humbling. I’m just a guy who has played a little football. Any success I’ve had is because I’ve been privileged to play with some truly great athletes. That, and I was gifted with a really big whanger.”
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Editor’s Note: Omission. Favre to also start for Auburn, win the BCS National Championship AND the next “So You Think You Can Dance” competition (after his legs are reattached, following the IED explosion and his untimely second or third death).