When my nephew was about four, he had already developed a profound personal philosophy.
“I don’t like ‘nakes.”
I can’t remember why we were talking about snakes at the time.
I imagine a dog had discovered a snake at Mom’s place, and the Browning 12 gauge had been called on to desnakify it.
Note to Greenies: I do not care if this is not best practice from an environmental perspective.
I am totally in the school of thought that says, “the only good ‘nake is a blowed up ‘nake.”
No ‘nakes NZ
New Zealanders swear up and down that there are no ‘nakes here in Aotearoa.
They even brag about this every time somebody in Australia gets bit by something poisonous and karks it.
While it may be true that there are no ‘nakes in NZ– and I personally have never seen any ‘nakes here — I have my doubts.
First, I ALWAYS believe the hair on the back of my neck, especially when it stands straight up in full-blown ‘NAKE ALERT!!!
And that happened when I was building a privacy fence in our first house’s multi-level backyard.
My mind kept telling me, “Don’t worry about how ‘nakey it looks way down there at the bottom. New Zealand is totally ‘nake free.”
But every time a tall reed of grass would snake up my pants leg, I would levitate about four feet straight up in the air and my instincts would scream:
AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI!!! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!! RUN!!! RUN!!! RUN!!! AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIA!!!
GET A SHOTGUN!!! GET A SHOVEL!!! GET A FLAMETHROWER!!! KILL THE FREAKING SNAKES!!! AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI!!!”
I do not mind being called a sissy when it comes to ‘nakes.
Because ‘nakes do not bite sissies.
This is because sissies be levitating.
Sissies be hauling ass.
Sissies be firing randomly at anything that slithers.
Another reason I just cannot believe in ‘Nake Free New Zealand’ is because I’ve been to Sweetwater, Texas.
Once a year, tens of thousands of tourists descend on this small West Texas town for its annual decent into madness, or what they call the Rattlesnake Roundup.
Tourists get to watch hundreds of certifiably insane people competitively catching thousands and thousands of angry western diamondback rattlesnakes.
These idiots push the slithering, bitey wads of hissing ‘nakes into burlap bags, using those L-shaped snake sticks or their bare hands.
A Sweetwater Jaycee says that one year: “We had snakes running out of our ears. We didn’t know what to do with all of them.”
The mental image of having “snakes running out of our ears” is not one that I have been able to shake to this day.
As I type this story, you may find it amusing that I have pulled my feet way up off the floor.
Just in case.
Because you never know what might be coiled up way back under your desk, regardless of what the so-called ‘nake experts say.
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