Not All Cliches Are as Dumb as a Sack Full of Rocks

Writer’s Digest recently published a story headlined, “12 Cliches All Writers Should Avoid.”

They were:

1. Avoid it like the plague

2. Dead as a doornail

3. Take the tiger by the tail

4. Low hanging fruit

5. If only walls could talk

6. The pot calling the kettle black

7. Think outside the box

8. Thick as thieves

9. But at the end of the day

10. Plenty of fish in the sea

11. Every dog has its day

12. Like a kid in a candy store

Sure, those are cliches that should be avoided like the plague.

Oops.

But, somehow they just don’t compare with cliches from my younger days, like from…

 

*Norman High School Football

1) BOOM! You got to get there RIGHT NOW!

2) You got to GET IN HIS FACE!

3) You got to HIT HIM RIGHT IN THE JEWEL BOX!

4) You LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF DOOBERABLES!

5) Ladies, is that ALL THE HARD YOU CAN HIT!

6) You GOT TO MOBILE!

7) Have you got a little TWEETY BIRD in your pocket telling you what to do or are you just MAKING IT UP AS YOU GO ALONG?

8) Did you CANDY ASSESS leave your DOLLS AT HOME TODAY?

9) Do you ladies have to SQUAT TO PEE!

10) I can FART A BALL FURTHER THAN THAT!

11) Let me go get your PANTIES FROM THE LOCKER ROOM!

12) Maybe we should all just HOLD HANDS AND SKIP!

 

General Okie cliches:

1. Lower than a snake’s butt

2. Tastes so good it’ll make you want to slap your momma

3. Tough as a boot full of barbwire

4. Got a bad case of zacklies: face looks zackly like my ass

5. I’ll slap the taste right out of your mouth

6. Got beat with an ugly stick

7. So ugly she has to hang a pork chop round her neck to get the dog to play with her

8. Hornier than a tomcat with three peters

9. Farts like a pack mule whistlin’ Dixie

10. Skint more wild roots than an Arkansas wagon wheel

11. Uglier than a burned stump

12. Mean as a rattle snake in its period

 

From Waco “journalism”

1. If it bleeds, it leads

2. Smelled worse than a three-day-old Brazos River floater

3. She’s got legs just like I like — feet on one end a **blank on the other

4. Just another misdemeanor murder

5. So is that supposed to impress me, Buttface?

6. Do NOT ***blank with Big Red

7. We stopped paying by the word last week

8. That stands out like a diamond in a goat’s butt

9. Just because you KNOW it, doesn’t mean you PRINT it

10. Anyone can be hired to do anything — talent is not required

11. Put some splitzerinctum into your copy!

12. He may be an ****asshole, but he’s OUR (Congresssman) asshole

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* Bonus points if you can name the coach

** Said by a randy young cop about a girl reporter long before she got all famous

*** Big Red was a legendary secretary at the McLennan County Courthouse, circa 1982

**** City Editors can say whatever they want to say (Journalism 101)

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