On Steven Adams’ Balls … And the Endless Man-Woman Debate on Pain in the Privates


Nothing on Earth more painful…

This blog has choice about entering the discussion on Steven Adam’s balls.

First off, let me stress that while Steven and I both have New Zealand citizenship, and both have made *major contributions to the game of basketball world, this blog has no direct relationship with, or knowledge of, Steven’s balls.

Every guy of the male persuasion, with the possible exception of Obama, has an intimate relationship with his family jewels.

And we have immense compassion for a brother when he “takes one in the cods for the team,” as did our Steven in Game 3.

There is no greater pain or sacrifice on the face of the Earth, as we personally experienced many times on Nebraska Street and at Owens Stadium.

This blog is well aware that millions of women readers are at this very moment discharging their pink tasers.

And that they will go on and on and on about the unbelievable amount of excruciating pain caused by childbirth.

Yadda yadda yadda childbirth

We have heard that 10 billion times before.

But this blog is all about accuracy and courage and, at lease for today, testicles.

To prove, right here and now, once and forever, that getting kicked, whacked or hammered right in jewel box hurts WAY more than having a baby.

We offer the following indisputable scientific evidence that not even NBA Commissioner Adam Silver or the morons on the U.S. Supreme Court could ignore.

  1. Lady parts that are involved in having babies were, and this is important, MADE BY THE CREATOR to stretch way out of **shape, shoot out a baby, and eventually return to their original shape.
  2. A man’s  reciprocal baby-making parts, also made by the Creator, do not have the same level of elasticity. Worse, they are just dangling. Out there for everyone to see, especially in Target bathrooms.
  3. When women have babies, there is a “warm-up” labor period where there level of pain slowly increases over perhaps 8-24 hours.  All kinds of naturally occurring opiates are helping the woman during this time, as it fatigue and hurling vile oaths at the husband.
  4. Conversely, when a man’s personals take a direct hit, the pain level, in a microsecond, goes from zero (e.g. no pain at all, just hanging out, being cool, and thinking about girls) to MORE PAIN IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, WORSE THAN WHEN A STAR GOES SUPER NOVA AND EXPLODES WITH THE FORCE OF 100-GAZILLION-HIJILLION NUCLEAR BOMBS, BEFORE COLLAPSING INTO A BLACK HOLE.
  5. And, finally, as Exhibit BB, we present the bruised balls of the poor Big Kiwi as our indisputable final piece of evidence in this debate about whose private parts hurt the worst when they are throbbing and in the in the news.

Let us elaborate on point 5.

After three years of watching Steven Adams play center for the OKC Thunder, we are all well aware that he is a beast.

You may recall earlier this season when Steven suffered a nasty chest gash after taking an elbow, which required numerous stitches to stop the bleeding.  Steven proudly showed the gash to reporters in the locker room and laughed: “That should give me some street cred.”

No Pain

And yet in Game 3, Steven Adams, perhaps the closest thing we have today to an actual caveman, or possibly a Uruk-Hai, went down like he had been shot with a buffalo gun when the evil ***Draymond Green intentionally kicked him in his Thunder Balls.

The Big Kiwi, oblivious to any pain the NBA has to date dished out, was in absolute guy agony, curled up on the floor of the Chesapeake Energy Arena.

His eye rolled up in his head.

He did NOT MOVE A MUSCLE for several minutes.

His total focus, speaking as a guy who has been there, was trying with all his manly might not to cry on ESPN.

Or hurl.

After several agonizing minutes, and live “play-by-play”, Steven was only able to limp to the bench with the assistance of numerous teammates and medical professionals.

While, we cannot technically prove it, we would bet our house that if Steven Adams had had a baby in Game three — instead of taking a flagrant nut shot — he would have been down for less than 60 seconds.

As soon as the bambino had been bundled up, Steven would have been back hitting the boards.

We hope this quantum of evidence puts this age-old argument to rest about whether men or women suffer most when their privates are a) kicked by an ugly 6-7 NBA power forward or b) by a sweet little 8-pound baby.


*Winning the NHS intramural championships, for example

**Yes, we will be sleeping on the couch for A Very Long Time

***He should be shot at dawn. After Steven gets two free kicks to his Golden State Gonads

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