Obama, Oprah and Mandela on the Line

President: Get me ‘O’ on the phone.

White House Operator: Obama?

President: I’M Obama. Get me the other ‘O’ – Oprah.

White House Operator: Oh.


O: Hello Barack, you been kicking anyone’s ass this morning?

President: Very funny. You should be on television. Look, I need to get media off the BP thing. Any ideas?

O: Invite Princess Fergie to the White House. Get her all likkered up. Give her a briefcase full of cash. That ought to do it.

President: This is not very productive.

O: Rush Limbaugh would say that about your first year in office. What about soccer? Go to South Africa and meet with Mandela.

President: I like that. We can do live remotes to your show, right?

O: Sure. Just get Mandela. Or Justin Bieber. Or Fergie.

President. I can get Mandela. Not sure about Bieber. Can’t afford Fergie.

O: Ha. You should be on television. Chow.


President: Get me M.

White House Operator: Michelle?

President: Mandela.

White House Operator: Putting you through now.

Mandela: Hello Oprah dear. How are you doing?

President: It’s Barack.

Mandela: silence

President: The other ‘O’… President Obama.

Mandela: Of course. Barack, my boy, how are you?

President: In need of some good PR. Can we meet at the World Cup?

Mandela: No, I’m too busy meeting with Justin Bieber and Fergie.

President: silence

Mandela: Got ya! ‘O’ texted me before you called. She sends her love. Ha.

President: You should be on television.

Mandela: You, too. And judging by your approval ratings, you’ll have your own show in 2012…



Oprah and Fergie’s Phone Tap Scandal

(May 2010)

Oprah: Sarah dear, what on earth were you thinking?

Fergie: Stand in line, Oprah. Go ahead and beat me up. I’ve been bagged by every journalist in the UK.

Oprah: And shagged by every sailor in Wales!

Fergie: Well, it takes a tart to know a tart… So what am I going to do now? My attorneys say I have to give back all the cash. That bloody bank transfer isn’t going to happen. I have to move out of Andrew’s house. And the only asset I have left is the ranch in Argen-freeking-tina. My sponsors have abandoned me as if I were a scandal slut like Tiger Woods.

Oprah: Not to worry, Sarah honey. Here’s what we’re going to do. You’ll come on my show all fat and depressed. Really pig out for a few weeks and let your skin go blotchy. We’ll get you on the show and, bang, start with your huge, teary mea culpa. We’ll grab the audience by the throat at the top of the show. So wear lots of mascara, Sarah.  And practice crying on demand.  Big boo-hoos.

Fergie: Lots of mascara and practice crying, right-o.

Oprah: After the first ad break, will replay your and Andrew’s Royal marriage and then show heaps of footage of you and Princess Diana. We’ll really play on the public’s love for Di, the skinny cow. I did NOT say that. After the second break we’ll talk about your dire finances, how your daughters are such good girls and they’re suffering so much. Boo hoo, more tears. More runny mascara. Think Tammy Faye Baker.

Fergie: After all those tears, I’ll be dehydrated. Can we drink champers during the show? That would be a big help.

Oprah: Nope, the FCC would have a cow. Besides, you need to be distraught, all pitiful and hugg-able, not a drunken sow. We’ll get sloshed after the show, don’t you worry about that.

Fergie: Oh, very well. But what about money? How much will this net me? We’re friends, Oprah, but this is business, and I’m really in the schtuck.

Oprah: Plenty. My people will work out the details. Let’s just worry about you being pathetic – tears and mascara and blotchy skin. My viewers will forgive anything if you are fat and have blotchy skin!

Fergie: In honesty, O, I still don’t see the big deal about selling an introduction to Andrew. I’ve been doing it for 20 years. I didn’t do anything vulgar, like outing Andrew as a poof. I’d never do that… Should I do that on your show? Out him? Would that rate? How much would that be worth?

Oprah: Let me think about that. We’d gain big in the 18-49 demographic. We’d pull a 5.9 or 6 and sucker punch Judge Judy! Cow. But the Queen would have our guts for garters. No, let’s not ‘out’ Andrew. But maybe in a few weeks he could come on my show and out himself. No THAT would rate! Sarah, how much would you need to arrange that with old Randy Andy?

Fergie: At least $50,000 in cash, and then a wire transfer of half a million, I mean a million. That’s sort of my going rate. And, O, you’ve got to promise that you won’t do any secret filming about the money, OK?

Oprah: Sarah dear, of course we’d never do that. So, I’ll see you next week. Eat a lot of chocolate and really blob out, sweetheart. You need to be Princess Pathetic. See you then. Mwah.

Oprah hangs up and calls in her assistant.

Oprah: Make sure the surveillance cameras in the green room are HDTV. No wait! Install the new 3-D gear. Just imagine Fergie and her briefcase full of cash in 3-D. Now that would blow Judge Judy right off her bench. Cow.

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Top 10 Cures for Insomnia

1) Lie in bed and count Larry King’s ex-wives as they leap over his industrial strength hair.

2) Turn on the Glenn Beck program. On second thought, tune in this guy. Same programming.

3) Men, try to think of a single female politician that you’d like to have insomnia with, if you catch our drift, other than Sarah Palin. Women, try to think of a single male politician who would NOT have insomnia with you given half the chance. The swine!

4) Tivo the last episode of ‘Lost’ and try to ‘get it’. Your mind will race like a Cray supercomputer, begin to smoke, and then gently switch off.

5) Lie perfectly still. Balance an Oreo cookie on your nose.

6) Mix Tobasco and Tiger Balm. Put a big dollop directly into your eyeballs and onto your private parts. After the paramedics get you out of the tree, they will give you lovely meds to help you sleep.

7) In your mind, create claymations of Oprah, going back and forth from “little pixie Oprah” to “Moby Oprah“, and then back again. And again.

8) Place a baseball bat between you and your partner. Start singing “100 bottles of beer on the wall” or the theme from Batman (nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna Batman!” It will soon be lights out.

9) Think of the most boring teacher you ever had. Imagine being in his classroom. He is leading a panel discussion about taxation. On the panel are Paris Hilton and Joe Biden.

10) Tivo the final of American Idol and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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10 Things to do on a Crappy, Rainy Day

It’s dark and rainy and crappy outside. What to do?

1) Watch “how to be a blog millionaire” videos on the internet until you want to nuke all internet Wunderkinds.

2) Use your Swiss Army knife to try and scrape off that bump rash thing behind your knee that will NOT go away, despite visits to the skin doctor and buckets of high-cost creams.

3) Go to Facebook. Keep clicking on friends’ friends’ until you find someone who is a friend of Brett Favre. If you do it in less than 20 clicks, you are a sick person.

4) Listen to the Dean the Stream radio interview and learn everything you ever wanted to know about the mentality of TV sportscasters. (Really, listen to it all.)

5) Google ‘Larry King ex-wives’, ponder why blondes are dumb as rope, and then understand all by reading this.

6) Entertain yourself by putting the names of former girlfriends into an internet anagram website until it kicks out ‘slut’ or another dirty word.

7) Brainstorm painful things to do to BP execs, starting with ‘A’ (annihilate arseholes) – bonus points for two words with the same letter — and ending with ‘Z’ (Zip them up in large oil spill bags and drop them into the ocean, still dressed in their $2,000 suits).

8) Google ‘Will Rogers Quotes‘ and try to hold your breath until one of them makes you smile. Then wonder how come you don’t know more about him, and how on earth he could be from Oklahoma.

9) Spend 5 minutes trying to think of ANY WAY POSSIBLE to make the American Idol final WORSE than it was this year. This is, of course, impossible, but a way to stimulate your brain that’s as effective as playing with a Rubik’s Cube or scraping your bump rash thing with a Swiss Army knife.

10) Start the clock. See how long you can go without touching your computer, cellphone/Blackberry, TV, IPod, stereo, or scratching your privates. If you can’t last 5 minutes acknowledge that your life REALLY NEEDS WORK.

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We Will Not Stand for ‘Man Heels’!

OK, we admit it. I speak for all men in admitting that, as men of the male gender, we have done a few bad things.

War, mullets and making toe lakes while standing up and peeing come to mind.

Plus, 50 cent beer night, fart noises and golf.

OK, maybe add large-bore paintball guns, remote controls and really big breast implants.

We accept that women have grounds to feel some resentment toward men. Possibly even to retaliate a little.

So, as a gender, we men did not complain when our world was subjected to abuse or ridicule. No, we bit our tongues till they bled.

In our atonement, we, as men, publicly testified that having a baby is the WORST PAIN IN THE UNIVERSE – way worse than banging your thumb with a ball peen hammer, or even taking a fastball in the goolies (well, it’s worse than the thumb banging thing, anyway).

So we’ve done our mea culpa. We’ve slept on the couch. We’ve eaten your Jenny Craig meals. (Lawsy lawsy lawsy).

But there is a point where female retribution against men must cease. Torture must stop.

Yet there is a dark brooding force surrounding us. This malevolent force is attempting to foist the most horrific torture on us that mankind has ever seen.

And we simply cannot stand for it. Our ankles just won’t take it. Have mercy…

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Miley the Achy Breaky Lesbian Scandal

“OK, what have you got for us,” Billy Ray Cyrus asks the PR strategist, as his daughter Miley paints her toenails.

“We’ve had 2.12 billion hits of Miley’s lap dance – that’s all screens and print. And we should top that with her lesbian kiss on Britain’s Got Talent,” says the PR.

“Gimme the business plan. So what’s next? Is Miley turning into a drunk or P addict for the June news cycle, or does she go all little girl for awhile?  Or do we out her as a nymphomaniac?  I’ve lost my Gantt scandal chart.”

“Here Daddy, just use my i-phone. Click Miley Slut. It will be a killer app when it goes live in July, but this beta version works OK,” says Miley, turning her attention back to her feet. “Which color goes best on my toes – black or dark purple? I think black will go best with August’s SHOCK nipple ring photo shoot, and black goes with the car crash black-and-blue face photos in September.”

“Peanut, I think they’re both nice. You look great in black and blue… So, where were we? Brief me on the next quarter.”

“Our focus groups and digi-polling show that Lady Gaga has SLUT all locked up. So Miley, honey, you need to put away the Goth colours and pull out the Disney pastels again. Now don’t throw a fit, it’s just until Gaga ends her tour. We need to go all mainstream media this cycle, all Hannah Montana redux. BUT, you’ll love this, we’ll re-use all this Hanna footage in our huge pre-Christmas campaign. Are you ready? Headline – “Daddy and Disney Horrified by Miley Sex tape.”

“Finally, my sex tape! Wicked!”

“Is this the real sex tape or like the lap dance thing – all hype?” asks Billy Ray. “If it’s the real sex tape, are we using the footage we shot when Miley was 14 with the quarterback or the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? It’s a shame Justin Bieber was only 9 back then.”

“No, we’ll use the Cowboys footage when Miley goes into rehab 3Q 2011. This content is the soft porn Miley shot with the hand-held in her treehouse when she was 11. You know, the one where she did the striptease to Achy Breaky Heart, and all the neighborhood kids were dressed in Disney animal costumes.”

“That was SO FUN, Daddy,” squeals Miley, as she leafs through a celebrity rehab brochure.

“Your Daddy still loves that song, honey bear. And you looked so cute singin’ it in in your momma’s black S&M stockings,” says Billy Ray, briefly smiling at the memory, but then refocusing on the business at hand.

“What’s my angle, my media spin? I need an Excel spreadsheet of my media statements for each campaign. I do not want to leave any money on the table. What’s my line again when Miley goes all porno – ‘She was just having fun; that’s what kids her age do'”?

“No, that was the lap dance comment but it has legs. It also goes with the first ‘Drunken Miley’ footage and possibly the lezzy kiss shot with Gaga, but I want to focus group that one again. No, your line for Miley’s Porno is, “Miley is just a victim of technology. My little girl’s privacy has been invaded and it makes me really angry. She’s just so upset, and it’s so unfair!”

“That’s all? I thought I was getting more air time – and I was going to punch out a paparazzi or slap the porn boy around. Remember I’ve got an album coming out, and getting divorced from your Momma, too!”

“Daddy, this is all about ME, ME, ME, remember? You know I am totally there for you and your comeback, but let’s stay on message. You can get your TARPS after my abortion and suicide attempt scandal next fiscal year, OK, my dearest Daddeeeeeee?”

“Oh all right. Daddy’s little girl is just getting so growed up.”

OK, I lied…

Well, not so much lied as was exasperated when I wrote Where is the funny?


If you have not gone to Hyperbole and a half, go there NOW! Start with World’s Best Relationship Tips. Or the dinosaur goose.

Really, go there now.

Then you can say you knew Allie when she was dead, well not dead, exactly, but dead funny. No other writer/artist/insane person in her 20s can appeal to the masses who matter. She will be famous or committed real soon.

If you aren’t so much a city folk, and appreciate F-bombs and hysterically tough middle-age mothers, Pretty All True will kill you. Start with the Sucker Dog. Har.

And share any funny sites in comments! Life is too short to read bad humor.


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