Privacy? Facebook can see your Johnson!

All the worry and gnashing of teeth about Facebook and privacy issues is completely overblown, the company’s CEO explains in this interview conducted today over Facebook.

CNN: Mr. Zuckerberg, exactly what have you been secretly doing to invade our privacy?

Facebook CEO: People love Facebook. That’s why 11 billion people ‘Facebook’ every day. We are all about community and communication. Our motto makes that clear – “To know more about you than Google, and then tell everyone, for a fee”. But we totally, 100% respect everyone’s wish for privacy. That’s why you only have to tick one box (on page 273 of our easy-to-understand privacy disclaimer) if you don’t want Facebook to distribute your personal information to everyone in the known universe.

CNN: So all I have to do is tick that one box and then you won’t share my personal information with other websites, is that correct?

FB CEO: Oh no, no, no. If you tick that box, we won’t share your personal info with your friends. We’ll still send it to thousands of other websites, Google, and the Obama Administration. Your privacy is absolutely of paramount importance to us.

CNN: Then can you explain the recent changes, so Facebook users will stop worrying about their privacy?

FB CEO: Absolutely. Happy to be totally transparent. Just like your trousers. Great tattoos.”

CNN: Excuse me? You can see my tattoos?

FB CEO: Just the one on your butt. I can’t make out the one on your ‘Johnson’. We’ve just started using the same scanning technology used at major airports – all to ensure your 100% privacy. But if you don’t want that level of protection, or having us share your tattoos with grandma or your employer, simply tick the box on page 2,075 of our easy-to-read, fully transparent, privacy disclaimer. You want to get that?

CNN: Get what?

FB CEO: Your front door.

CNN’s doorbell: Ding dong.

FB CEO: And your phone.

CNN’s i-phone Justin Bieber ring tone: Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.

CNN: CAN FACEBOOK SEE THROUGH MY TROUSERS AND MY FRONT DOOR AND HEAR MY PHONE BEFORE IT RINGS?

FB CEO: Not totally. We’re beta testing with Google a new app that lets us see through doors and into the future. We can only see about 10 seconds into your future right now, but by 2Q 2011 we should be able to look forward to about 2025. By looking into the future of all 111 billion FB users, and their children, we can absolutely protect everyone’s privacy. You’ve got cute kids, by the way.

CNN: What? I’m single. I don’t have any kids.

FB CEO: Oh, right. I couldn’t know about your children because you adjusted your privacy settings next Thursday. BTW, the tattoo on your Johnson is clear now… Why have you got FOX NEWS tattooed on it?

CNN: AUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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10 props for New Zealand

10 reasons New Zealand is better:

1) Our defense force is led by non-nuclear Hobbits, Orcs and Ents.

2) Everyone wants to COME here, but we are so far away that only a SELECT FEW ever get here.

3) Kiwi Ernest Rutherford was first to split the atom, but we are a non-nuclear country (see non-nuke Hobbits mention above).

4) NZ has no snakes or killer horror animals like crocodiles or actual Australians (who are all next door in Aussie).

5) Rugby is THE contact sport. It’s fast (matches are under two hours) and dangerous (rugby players eat their dead).

6) The Prime Minister appeared on Letterman to do the Top 10 and be mocked by Dave; no worries, mate.

7) Once scientists discover how to generate electricity with sheep, NZ will rule the world. (Note: NZ has 34 million sheep and 4 million people).

8) Kiwis do it different. Toilet water goes down the wrong way. You get lights to go off by flicking the switch on (up). And “fush’n’chups” (not sheep) is the nation’s favorite food.

9)NZ’s weekend begins 14 hours before New York City’s, which is good because…

10) NZ women are the most promiscuous in the world (2007), having an average of 20.4 sexual partners, compared to 16.8 for men.

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Hideous Bieber Fever Down Under

Photo: Justin Bieber, seen here in his limo.

We’ve had Swine Flu. The global economic meltdown. Underwear bombers. Icelandic volcanic ash.

And now there’s Bieber Fever.

Hordes of pre-pubescent girls ran rogue in Australia yesterday, squealing with glee and frothing at the mouth because they’d sighted their heartthrob.

Now the millionaire saccharin-sweet Bieber dwarf has invaded New Zealand, which has only recently recovered from another evil wee creature from abroad.

But nothing has prepared the small antipodean country for Bieber, shown here, refusing to greet billions of girly fans “until his bottom was powdered and he was given his big boy pants,” said a frustrated official.

“We understood why young girls lost their rag when the Fab Four came to New Zealand. But no-one can understand this insane infatuation with Bieber. I mean, for goodness sake, his career was only just conceived.”

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Where is the funny?

I have just spent an hour reading through “the best” humor blogs out there. I have not laughed once.

I have felt old. I have sighed several times. While there are cool looking designs in the blogosphere, I have not laughed once. Arg!

Bring out your dead (jokes) and let Monty Python take them away.

Which all makes me think there is hope. This blog is still on its training wheels, but it has had its moments already. Houston, we have had laughter.

The Good

Bieber Fever

BP Sucks

Secret Obama visit to hostiles

The ‘bad’

No Nukes Obama

Ann Coulter Sez

The Ugly

Darth Obama

Sarkozy’s White House Nipple Frenzy

Oprah and Volcano

Old Dead Guys – Blondes Luv ‘ Em

What is it with Old Dead Guys (ODG)?

Blondes just luv em. Look at CNN’s Larry King (yeah, he’s not technically dead, but still…).

ODG Larry, a real looker, has been married about 900 times, and is about to get divorced again. On a good day, the 76-year-old looks like a dead prune in suspenders. But blondes think he’s suave – after all, he thinks Sarah Palin should pose nude for Playboy; and he’s classy – he reportedly had an affair with the 45-year-old sister of his most recent 50-year-old wife.

Clearly ODG Larry is a scholar and a gentleman. But his manliness pales in comparison to ODG J. Howard Marshall II: occupation – dead oilman.

J. Howard married the one and only Anna Nicole Smith, Playmate of the Year 1993. They were immediately attracted to each other’s, uhm, “assets”, and the lovebirds were married three year’s later. The ODG officially died in 1995, and forensic tests apparently showed his blood was almost 99% Polygrip and Viagra. They couldn’t wipe the smile off his ODG face or shut the coffin lid.

But the creepiest ODG by miles has to be Hugh Hefner, who puts any TV vampire to shame. Hef’s almost 300 years old. He’s probably had sex with 10,000 women and most species of wildlife. Yet legions of blonde bombshells line up to bed his Hefness.

So what exactly attracts the bimbettes to ODGs? Suspenders? Toothlessness? Silk pyjamas?

Or is it that mothering nature of some blondes that makes them want to heal wounded men’s souls, nourish their battered bodies, and be first in line when the ODG actually karks it and they can help tidy up the mess?

Old Dead Guys – Blondes just luv ’em.

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Oprah and volcano blow their stacks

Fox News has learned that the eruption of Iceland’s Eyjafallajokull volcano is directly linked to enraged talk show host Oprah Winfrey.

Just before the volcano exploded, the billionaire broadcaster erupted herself over release of unauthorized biographer Kitty Kelley’s latest book, ‘Oprah’.

“Make no mistake, the events are linked. Both are dark, powerful and started spewing voluminous gases and vile ash into the air at the same time. And Oprah’s name spelled backwards is Harpo (her production company), and Eyjafallajokull spelled backwards is Llukojallafajye, which is the most horrible word in our language,” says Ejnskiier Kjjkjavik, a geophysicist and broadcast expert in Iceland.

Winfrey, according to unnamed sources, hopes the ash being belched into the skies will ground Kitty Kelley, and bury Kelley’s allegations about lesbian affairs, false claims of sexual abuse, and that Winfrey and President Obama were actually conjoined twins, separated at birth.

And forensic photographic evidence shows the unquestionable relation between Winfrey and the volcano.

“Until Kelley’s unauthorized bio of Oprah falls off the best-seller list, international air travel will be in chaos. When Oprah spews, she really spews. And this isn’t skinny Oprah that spewed, this is the big one!”

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We Just Buried Cassie. Sniff.

Well, we just buried Cassie.

She almost made it to 12, despite life-long eye, skin and hip problems.

About 3am she started screaming out in pain or fear. I assumed she must have caught her toenails in the carpet and sprained or popped out one of her wonky hips.

We loaded her up with the pain meds we keep in the fridge for when her hips hurt. But she still cried and shook until finally falling asleep next to my son. But her cries of anguish or pain started again as soon as she woke up at 8am.

What to do? We knew we could not spend another thousand dollars on her at the vet. That’s what it cost to keep Ling Ling II, the other Shih Tzu alive for a year even though her heart and lungs were worn out. And economic times being what they are…

Actually, it wasn’t her hip. She’d had a major stroke. Just like Ling Ling II. I guess Cassie was crying out in pain and because she was afraid. That’s why she kept pushing herself into our laps, our scent, even though half her body was paralyzed. She needed comfort from her pack, the pack who had always made things better.

Thinking back, I suppose she must have had minor strokes over the last few weeks. That would explain her not being able to get up and down the stairs (we thought it was her hips, so we carried her); and her wandering around when she was outside to do her business, like she was lost or simply had forgotten what she was up to.

We took her to the vet, and he said she’s had a massive stroke, that she had to be put down.  So we hugged her and loved on her and said our goodbyes.  And as we held her, she got her injections that put her to sleep.

That was so very hard hard, but she was “still Cassie”; she still felt like our lovely wee dog.  But when we took her home to bury her in the backyard, her body was limp and her head rolled, lifeless. That’s when the tears really came.

So, our sweet, smelly Cassie – the happiest, most forgiving dog we ever had – is gone. She’s the fourth dog our immediate families have lost in the last three years – all between ages 11-16.

Only Buddy the Moosedawg is left, at age 12, and with a huge tumour on his belly and bad hips, so his days are numbered.

The cycle of life continues. At times it’s so sad.

Bye Cassie. We love you.

cassie in space

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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