Ginormous Sky Fireball: I’m just sayin’…

EYEWITNESS QUOTE: “IT WAS SOMETHING ALARMING TO ME. I’VE SEEN SHOOTING STARTS BUT I’VE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING JETTING ACROSS THE SKY WITH FLAMES SHOOTING OFF OF IT.”

Is it just me, or did the ginormous fireball over several Midwestern states make you wonder whether:

– those pocket dictators in Iran and North Korea were showing off for “No Nukes Obama”?

– Des Moines’ Tea Party extravaganza was receiving a sign of approval from above?

– NASA had gone a little over-the-top celebrating the 40th anniversary of Apollo 13’s safe return?

– the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator thingee that was guaranteed not to create a black hole or time warp or end of the world solar firestorm just might have?

– Toyota’s prototype spaceship had a slight problem with unintended acceleration?

– an old, dead, black man’s voice was about to ask, “Tiger, did you learn anything?”, followed by the planets and stars realigning to form a giant Nike Swoosh?

I’m just sayin…

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A marathon waste of time

At a time when the average American weighs approximately the same as a small pony, how can the pox of jogging still infect America?

In two weeks, 25,000 runners of all ages will run the Boston Marathon. They will cumulatively have the same body fat as one chicken enchilada with sour cream.

To enter Boston, here are the cut-off times:

– Men 18-34, 3:10:00
– Men 50-54, 3:35:00
– Men 80plus 5:00:00

What a crazy waste.

There are FAR MORE PRODUCTIVE ways for a man aged 18-34 to use three hours of his life. For example, he could:

– Shear 95 sheep

– Drive from Oklahoma City to Wichita, Kansas (I’m sure SOMEONE would want to???)

– Watch the epic three hour “Inside Gilligan’s Island: A Three Hour Tour of the Making of a Television Classic”

Now THAT’s time will spent.

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Top Secret visit by Obama

President Obama made a top secret visit to hostile territory at the weekend, speaking with soldiers and government leaders, who were asked to pass through metal detectors before the meetings.

President Obama’s visit to heavily armed Dallas, a hub of Red State anti-government activity, was meant to counter criticism that he was “holed up” in Washington and that his strategy of appeasement with Texas had failed.

“I want to send a strong message that the partnership between the United States and Texas is going to continue. We have already seen progress with respect to security around the airport. There was only limited gunfire when we landed; most from hostiles and only an insignificant amount from within Air Force One,” the President said during his “on the ground update”.

Texas Gov Rick Perry, sneaking away from Tea Party events in 17 Texas cities, met briefly with President Obama at the heavily fortified Cowboys Stadium. White House officials described the meeting as “productive and mainly positive” with “go-forward nuances” balanced with “the realities of needing medical attention”.

Word leaked out that at least one cowboy boot was hurled at the President’s head, shattering a teleprompter. This could not be confirmed, but it was noted that Gov Perry was seen leaving the meeting “with one side taller than the other and a big smile on his face.”

After numerous holes in Air Force One were repaired, and a sticker saying “Secede One” was removed from the cockpit window, President Obama flew to the relative safety of Afghanistan.

North Korea threatens ‘unprecedented nuclear strikes’. And we say…

Sir Charles Barkley:

“Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if he does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”

Winston Churchill (On Neville Chamberlain)

“He was given a choice between war and dishonor. He chose dishonor and he will have a war anyway.”

Gen. George Patton:

“A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.”

Dirty Harry:

“Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That’s my policy.”

Ronald Reagan:

“Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the Marines don’t have that problem.”

Duke Nukem:

“It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum… and I’m all outta bubble gum.”

Dick Butkus:

“I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important – like a league game or something.”

Danko (Heroes):

“If you have a rabid dog, you don’t put a chain around its neck and pray for a miracle. You put it down.”

John Wayne:

“If everything isn’t black and white, I say ‘Why the hell not?'”

Darth Obama – the polls knows

A *poll of Republicans shows:

– almost a quarter think President Obama is the anti-christ

– 67% say he’s a socialist

– 57% say he’s a secret Muslim

– 99% think his wife could kick his butt

– 75% believe Elvis is still headlining in Las Vegas

– 91% shot holes in the pollsters’ notepad when asked about gun control

– 97% believe Ronald Reagan was a “Founding Father who signed the Declaration of Independence” and invented the horse

– 131% believe Fox News is a religious broadcaster

* This poll was conducted at NRA meetings, Dallas Cowboys football games, in Sarah Palin’s bedroom and on the planet Naboo.

Ringside with Republican firebrand Ann Coulter and President Obama

ANN COULTER: President Obama, I thought you were a radical, Muslim, socialist. I apologize, I was wrong. You are clearly a Canadian mind-controller at the University of Ottama, I mean Ottawa. What’s a free speech girl to do? I should have shoved a stiletto heel up the Provost’s A’Houle’s.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In days and years to come, the Canadian people can stand tall, be proud, and recall this historic victory of right over wrong, of good over evil, of A’Houles over Ho’bitches.

ANN COULTER: Canada, the Democrats’ Double-A Farm Team in the Liberal Socialist Pinko Girlie League, shut down free speech faster than Michelle Obama can snork down a $300 fancy French meal. Faster than she can slip into a $7,000 dress for a cover photo with Oprah. Faster than she can procure condoms for thousands of innocent young girls …

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In 1000 years, historians, though clinical and taciturn by training, will shake their heads in awe at how America created a national healthcare plan, against all odds, that will stand throughout the ages – a testament to the greatness of freedom and power of the human spirit. Yes we can. And my wife could snap your scrawny bitch neck like a pencil.

ANN COULTER: I admire your wife’s arms and stress that it’s a total coincidence that she has the same fitness coach as Barry Bonds. I especially admire the sleeveless burqua she wore while fundraising for the Gay Lesbian Transgender Liberal Abortion Gun Control Cabal. She is such a role model.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: A billion galaxies away, democratic life forms are marveling at this day, when a portal into time and space was opened by courageous men and women of all races, who set aside political differences and turned their gaze upward to Allah, I mean, Heaven, and wondered, “was that Coulter slut the progeny of an Avatar and a Q-Tip or what?”…

Tiger, leave your penis in the drawer

Sandra Bullock is every guy’s sweetheart.

Erin Nordegren may be the most beautiful woman alive.

So of course Jesse James has apparently had an 11 month affair with a skank demon tattooed woman. And Tiger’s wallered with the hogs – over a dozen, all white, all peroxide blonde bimbos.

It reminds me of Richard Pryor’s classic bit about wives who keep their husband’s penis in the drawer. “Honey, I was wondering, the guys are going fishing this weekend, and, you know, everyone’s taking their penis… Can I take mine?”

Ain’t gonna happen, Jesse and Tiger. Keep your hands in plain sight and move away from the drawer… Morons…

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