All the worry and gnashing of teeth about Facebook and privacy issues is completely overblown, the company’s CEO explains in this interview conducted today over Facebook.
CNN: Mr. Zuckerberg, exactly what have you been secretly doing to invade our privacy?
Facebook CEO: People love Facebook. That’s why 11 billion people ‘Facebook’ every day. We are all about community and communication. Our motto makes that clear – “To know more about you than Google, and then tell everyone, for a fee”. But we totally, 100% respect everyone’s wish for privacy. That’s why you only have to tick one box (on page 273 of our easy-to-understand privacy disclaimer) if you don’t want Facebook to distribute your personal information to everyone in the known universe.
CNN: So all I have to do is tick that one box and then you won’t share my personal information with other websites, is that correct?
FB CEO: Oh no, no, no. If you tick that box, we won’t share your personal info with your friends. We’ll still send it to thousands of other websites, Google, and the Obama Administration. Your privacy is absolutely of paramount importance to us.
CNN: Then can you explain the recent changes, so Facebook users will stop worrying about their privacy?
FB CEO: Absolutely. Happy to be totally transparent. Just like your trousers. Great tattoos.”
CNN: Excuse me? You can see my tattoos?
FB CEO: Just the one on your butt. I can’t make out the one on your ‘Johnson’. We’ve just started using the same scanning technology used at major airports – all to ensure your 100% privacy. But if you don’t want that level of protection, or having us share your tattoos with grandma or your employer, simply tick the box on page 2,075 of our easy-to-read, fully transparent, privacy disclaimer. You want to get that?
CNN: Get what?
FB CEO: Your front door.
CNN’s doorbell: Ding dong.
FB CEO: And your phone.
CNN’s i-phone Justin Bieber ring tone: Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.
CNN: CAN FACEBOOK SEE THROUGH MY TROUSERS AND MY FRONT DOOR AND HEAR MY PHONE BEFORE IT RINGS?
FB CEO: Not totally. We’re beta testing with Google a new app that lets us see through doors and into the future. We can only see about 10 seconds into your future right now, but by 2Q 2011 we should be able to look forward to about 2025. By looking into the future of all 111 billion FB users, and their children, we can absolutely protect everyone’s privacy. You’ve got cute kids, by the way.
CNN: What? I’m single. I don’t have any kids.
FB CEO: Oh, right. I couldn’t know about your children because you adjusted your privacy settings next Thursday. BTW, the tattoo on your Johnson is clear now… Why have you got FOX NEWS tattooed on it?
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