Scattershooting while wondering why crazy people frequently live in oddly green houses.
In about 1975, I delivered a pizza to a tiny, hideously aqua-pukey-greenish, two-wheel, bubble trailer in west Norman.
A very short, very crazy lady, armed with a savage, snarling chihuahua, snatched the pizza out of my hand and slammed her door, while giving me a creepy look.
I was reminded of that crazy lady while at the mall today when I saw another crazy woman wearing glasses that were exactly the same shade of off-putrid green as that old trailer.
What is with these people?
And why are they attracted to me?
As part of our normal walkies, the Crack Puppies and I usually pass a crazy, off-puke-green house.
With no windows. Let me repeat that. With no windows.
You will never guess who lives inside.
No, I’m kidding.
OK, I am kidding again.
But if Gollum does live there, he is renting from a seriously crazy lady who has a totally deranged evil dog that she walks from time to time.
When we pass by, walking as far away on the other side of the road as possible, the deranged evil small dog — why are they are always deranged and small? — always rears up, trying to tear its leash out of the crazy lady’s hands so it can kill us.
The unkempt, crazy lady is always looking at us with those crazy eyes that say, “If I let him go, he will devour you and then turn into a dragon and fly away.”
These crazy people and their off-pukey green lives give me the willies.
Just to prove the scientific nature of my observations about off-pukey green people, I googled “favorite color green”, which took me to a website called empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com.
Their website font is, oddly, in a creepy orange, Dracula-looking font.
But the sidebar on the left is almost exactly the same off-pukey green color of that the crazy lady’s trailer house, the crazy mall lady’s glasses, and the windowless house near me where the crazy lady lives with her deranged evil dog.
The website says this about green people:
- With a personality color green you are a practical, down-to-earth person with a love of nature.
- You are stable and well balanced or are striving for balance – in seeking this balance, you can at times become unsettled and anxious.
What it should say is:
- While you may not exhibit all the traits of Charles Manson, if your favorite color is off-pukey green, you are a people lover. In fact, you have several mumified body parts hidden under your trailer.
- You can trace your roots back generations to Waco, and before that, Salem. And during the full moon, flying monkeys come out of your butt. Along with snarling, evil, small dogs.
Please, don’t be offended if your favorite color is green.
I am sure “your green” is a lovely, natural shade of green.
Like the green found in forests and lakes.
Not like the green that oozes from trailers and window-less houses containing crazy ladies, savage, evil, small dogs and Gollum.
Even so, you might start wearing a lot of blue. Just to be safe.