Buying an Addictive Crack Puppy Is Way Better Than Cocaine!

We are NOT in the spending mode. Dare I say, we’re being cheapo. Which is why we have no business looking at puppies. No business whatsoever.

Never mind that our house has been sooooooo quiet since Cassie had to be put down months ago. And since No. 1 son Eli, 22, went off to college in February, taking his 24/7 piano playing and singing and general boy noisiness with him.

Because, other than having a crack habit, nothing on the planet is more expensive than owning a puppy. Especially a high maintenance Shih-Tzu, which loosely translated means: “American Express Platinum Cards Honored Here”.


So of course last week I was totally looking at puppies on Trade Me, New Zealand’s version of eBay. Looking at Shih-Tzus. And Shih-Tzus crossed with Poodles and Lhasas and Maltese and Bichons. Soooooo cute!

I heard my head say, “Are you insane? Do you hear that sucking sound? That is the sound of your money going down the puppy gurgler…” And my heart responded: “PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY! OHHHH SOOOOOOOOO CUTE! MUST HAVE PUUPPPPPPYYY!!!”

But there was an issue to consider: My Chinese wife (e.g. the GM of Finance), who vetos all purchases of over, say, 12 cents. To get a puppy would require that a certain process be followed to win her support. We won’t call it a strategy, because that would indicate clear scheming and sneaky intent. And that would be wrong.

So it was sheer coincidence last week that when the GM Finance was on her rounds, not actually “snooping” to see what was on my computer screen, because that would be wrong, she spotted a Shih-Tzu puppy.

So cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttte!

“What’s that? “Oohhhhhhhhhhh. So cuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttte,” she said. “Are there any more puppy photos!?!?!?!?!?”

“Oh, there might be, let’s see,” says I, all casual like, somehow managing to quickly call up other breathtakingly cute puppy photos.

Like this next one.

The “Crack Puppy”.

I mean, how could you not get immediately addicted to the sweet face below?

The GM Finance took the bait. Hook, line and puppy.

So with all due haste we went to the breeder’s nearby house. And something in my head went ALERT ALERT ALERT. Bad karma. House not clean. Puppies not clean. Kept in a tiny enclosure. It all looked like a puppy farm to me.

“Run away!” said Dad (who once had $2,000 in vet bills for a puppy farm Shih-Tzu). “Run away,” said supportive No. 1 son. But the GM Finance did not move. She was already addicted to the Crack Puppy. Even though it was not smart, attentive or happy.

After a huge effort, possibly involving a taser, the GM Finance was delivered back to our car, with no puppy. But with the blank stare of a junkie.

Hours later, back home, where the checkbook lives, the GM Finance realized her proximity to financial calamity, e.g., buying a bad puppy. And she made a binding ruling from on high: THERE SHALL BE NO PUPPY.

But for days, she kept wandering back into my office. Asking to look at the picture of the Crack Puppy. “I can’t get her out of my mind.”

Clearly, evasive action was urgently needed.

ALERT ALERT ALERT. BEGIN EVASIVE MANEUVERS. PULL UP. BANK LEFT. FIND ANOTHER PUPPY. QUICK! OR THE CRACK PUPPY WILL DESTROY US.

“What about these two. They’re sisters! If we buy them both we get a discount! They have been desexed. House-trained. We’ll save hundreds! Soooo cuuute.”

Sisters!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not interested. Despite the huge potential cost savings, the Shih-Tzu/Maltese sisters could not defeat the Crack Puppy.

Clearly, we had to fight fire with fire. We knew what we had to find:

AN UBER CUTE SHIH-TZU PUPPY WITH HUGE CRACK EYES THAT LOOKED LIKE OUR LAST SHIH-TZU, LING-LING (R.I.P. 2009). THAT HAD BEEN DESEXED, HAD ITS SHOTS, WAS HOUSE-TRAINED AND HAD A ‘NEGOTIABLE’ PRICE!

Do you believe in Miracles? If you don’t, you soon will.

We were led from above … through the internets … to a little girl – an 18-month-old Shih-Tzu/Maltese cross. And the angels began to sing.

At warp speed we drove to the owner’s home. She was Asian. Yay!

She had the same English name as the blog’s sister! Yay!

And when the owner was young, her Asian nickname was the same as that of the GM Finance. YAY PUPPY KARMA!

But wait, there’s more.

This puppy looks brilliantly like our previous Ling-Ling with a bit of Cassie thrown in! She even fits just nice in the GM of Finance’s arms. Kaching. Pay the woman.

Ladies and Gentlemen. May I introduce the new Ling-Ling. I am talking MAJOR Crack Puppy. YAY!

All Hail Queen Ling Ling III


UPDATE:Crack Puppy was left in the basement Sunday night while her parents were away. Crack Puppy ate a Venetian blind, shredded two door frames, and made the basement look like a twister had hit it.

Sooooooooooooooooo cute! Let the spending begin.

Click here, here, here, here , here, here, and, sadly, here for more about the Crack Puppy.

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I swore I was going to train our next dog right. Ack! Dove, help!

Click here for free Hog Tweets at HogsAteMySister.

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13 Responses to “Buying an Addictive Crack Puppy Is Way Better Than Cocaine!”

  1. Franny says:

    My shoulders are caving in as I say, “aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhHHHhhhhhhh.” Damn it damn it damn it: I want one of those. I have a shelter dog sweetie, but he is too big to pick up often. I kinda NEED another, you know, to keep Doggey #1 company when we are gone, OF COURSE. But the checkbook says, “no.” But what about the sweeties you first saw? At the puppy farm place? Please update this with a happier ending for those fuzzy little lovies.

  2. Lori says:

    You “crack” me up!! I am the proud owner of TWO crack puppies like yours — Shih Tzu/Maltese. They are four years old now and the most incredible dogs ever! Personally, I got them for their name — “Shitese”. I just KNEW they would fit in our family with a breed name like that! I also have a Lab, but the little dogs rule the nest. At 4 1/2 pounds, they are in total control! Enjoy!!!!

    • hams says:

      Yes, Shitese rule, tho I think calling them Maltzus is probably more PC! It would be an absolute hoot to have two of them.

      Do yours HATE to have their nails clipped. Crack Puppy turns into a fuzzy little chainsaw that requires a muzzle when we try.

      I have a 100 pound Moosedawg, who would happily let me perform open heart surgery, but the fuzzball is the problem child.

      Go figger!

  3. Dasha says:

    My “crack puppy” is now 9 years old. Is blind and diabetic – but worth the expenses – she is smart, beautiful & very amusing.

    Congratulations on your adorable puppy – may she remain in good health.

    • hams says:

      There are not many better long-term investments than Crack Puppies. The return on investment is heaps of love.

  4. malm says:

    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t get a kitten.

    Malm

  5. J-P says:

    Sucker

    J-P

  6. Kris says:

    Oh my god.

    I am laughing hysterically and I want a puppy so bad.

    Your new puppy is the cutest thing EVER.

    I want.

    • hams says:

      I can make you a huge deal, absolute mate’s rates, on the Moosedawg, and/or his giant tumor. But the Crack Puppy? No can do.

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