The Hog Tao of Super Bowl

*Lao Tzu, an older contemporary of Confucius, was keeper of the imperial archives in the province of Honan in the sixth century B.C. All his life he taught that “The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao”, which makes you wonder what exactly the guy was being paid for.

Anyways, according to ancient legend, as he was riding off into the desert to die – sick at heart at the ways of men – he was persuaded by a gatekeeper to write down his teachings for posterity.

That same exact thing happened to me. And while the Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The Hog Tao that can be blogged is whole nuther thing. This is the Super Bowl edition.

Chapter 21

The greatest virtue is to follow Peyton and Peyton alone.

He is elusive and intangible.

OK, he is intangible, but not so elusive any more.

He’s 37. With a bad neck. So cut him some slack, will you?

Where were we?

Oh yes, Peyton is intangible,

And within has 10,000 formations.

He is a wily old fox..

From the beginning until now,

It’s name has never been forgotten.

OMAHA!

Thus we perceive creation.

Broncos by 7.

Chapter 22

Yield and overcome;

Bend and be straight;

Empty and be full;

Tastes great! Less filling!

Have much and be confused.

Burp.

OMAHA!

Chapter 23

To talk little is natural.

High winds do not last all morning.

Except when John Madden called the game.

Boom.

We miss John.

The man who follows Peyton

Is at one with Peyton.

He who is virtuous

Loses his Way.

And is lost.

Richard Sherman?

Just shut up, will you please?

Chapter 24

He who stands on tiptoe is not steady.

He who strides cannot maintain the pace.

He who is self-righteous is not respected.

He who boasts achieves nothing.

He who brags will not endure.

The Hog Tao is talking about you, John Elway.

You putz.

Chapter 25

Something mysteriously formed.

Born before Heaven and Earth.

In the silence and the void,

Standing along and unchanging.

Ever present and in motion.

Perhaps it is the mother of ten thousand things.

I do not know it’s name.

Peyton does.

For lack of a better word, call it.

OMAHA.

We will never get tired of that joke.

Therefore, Heaven is great.

The King is also great.

Even though he’s been dead since 1977.

The Tao of Elvis still rocks.

Chapter 26

The heavy is the root of the light;

The still is the matter of unrest.

Therefore the sage, traveling all day.

Does not lose sight of his baggage.

Except when he puts it in the Dodge Durango’s huge glove box.

Ron Burgundy knows trucks.

Why should the lord of ten thousand things act lightly in public?

To be light is to lose one’s root.

To be restless is to lose one’s control.

Unless you are driving a four-wheel drive Durango.

With Pos-i-trac.

Ron Burgundy knows this.

And he is such a strumpet.

Chapter 27

A good walker leaves no tracks.

A good speaker makes no slips.

A good door needs no lock.

Yet no one can open it.

Good binding requires no knots,

Yet no one can loosen it.

Except maybe the Seahawks No. 1 Defense.

We do worry about that a little.

Chapter 28

Know the strength of a man,

But keep a woman’s care!

Be the stream of the universe.

Being the stream of the universe.

You will be glad for commercials.

Because, whoa, after all that Lite beer, you really have to pee.

Know the white,

but keep the black!

Be an example to the world!

Being an example to the world,

Ever true and unwavering,

You are Tim Tebow.

Even if you throw ducks,

Hog Tao is pulling for you, kid.

Chapter 29

Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it,

I do not believe it can be done.

The universe is sacred.

You cannot improve it.

If you try to change it, you will ruin it.

Look at my Dallas Cowboys.

Stupid Jerry Jones.

What a maroon.

OK, we are back.

Sorry for our outburst.

But Jerry Jones really pisses of Hog Tao.

We better go lie down for awhile.

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Click HERE for the original Hog Tao blog.

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*Before anyone blows a taoist sprocket, please note: I intensely studied the Tao Te Ching as part of my martial arts training in university. It is transcendent. Twice over. But this is a humor blog. So being all serious wouldn’t be the way of Hog Tao.

 

 

 

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