Ellen has danced off the Idol stage, and JLo’s booty has entered. But who’s to replace Simon Cowell? Hollywood bookies say the top 10 contenders are:
1) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. As imminently likable as Cowell, and certain to boost voting when he calls Muslim tweenies to text jihad.
2) Geraldo Rivera. His ego dwarfs Cowell’s although that, like quantuum physics, is impossible to grasp.
3) Tiger Woods. It’s not like his golf game is on fire. And he has a thing for JLo booty types.
4) Al Gore. Making Idol “sustainable” is a major challenge. Mr “An Inconvenient Truth” has the greenest credentials and he reportedly has quite a following amongst the massage community.
5) Ousted Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Many Cowell-like qualities. Impressive Hair? Check. Jerk factor? At least a 10. But large question mark over Blago’s availability, pending sentencing.
6) Dog the Bounty Hunter. He, and his missus, yowza, are the only contenders with bigger pecs than Cowell.
7) Steve Jobs. A very strategic dark horse (dressed in black…dark horse…get it? har). He makes a slight tweak to iPad and iPhone software and, voila, 100 billion iDol votes are cast each week and squillions more iSongs are downloaded.
8) Michael Jackson. Say what you will, but he’s never been bigger. And even in his present condition (technically: dead), he’ll be as helpful as Randy Jackson. Know what I’m saying, dawg?
9) Simon Cowell Jr. There is a strong rumor that Simon had a love child with himself.
10) Chelsea Clinton. A long shot, but consider this: her Father has a long history with teenage girls, Idol’s core demographic. Ewwww.
And your personal nominees are…………..