I know, it’s really hard. Impossible even. Considering the year we’ve just had, how to narrow the field down to 10? Ten people who truly deserve to be Whac-A-Moled. With the giant mallet used by Thorgrim in Arnold’s first Conan movie.
So from 10th (absolutely deserves to be Whac-A-Moled) to 1st (who should whacked, tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, buried in an ant bed, and used as bait for pit bull training), we give you:
10. Lindsay Lohan — In court? In jail? In the media? All the time? Yes, to all the above. She would rank higher except she’s truly a sick puppy. But getting whacked with a mallet would almost certainly help her recovery. At least it should be used on her daddy. Whack. See, feels way better already, eh?
9. LeBron James — Seriously. The guy changes teams for eleventy billion dollars. And turns it into a not-ready-for-prime-time movie. And immediately makes the 12 people in America who did not already hate him, want to climb a tall ladder and drop anvils on his fat head. Bron-Bron. You are such a Mo-ron. Whack.
8. Big Sis — Well, technically, it wasn’t Janet Napolitano who was feeling up your junk. But it was her face leading the TSA’s campaign. Or was that a hog’s butt? No, we’re pretty sure it was Janet’s kisser. And through all the scans and gropes and cavity searches, did you feel safer? Or just want to Whac-A-Mole? I rest my case. Whack.
7. Kanye West — Old Kanye almost didn’t make the list. Sure, he’s annoying enough. But annoying in a Borat or last year’s hemorrhoids sort of way. In either case, Kanye was very, very past tense. But then he went and did his classic comeback interview. And then Twittered about the unfairness of it all. And for that, Kanye, we do want to hurt you. Whack.
6. Oprah — Far be it from us to link the fact that Oprah spent weeks in Australia recently, and the “Lucky County” is now experiencing flooding of biblical proportions. But how else do you explain it? Even if her ego hadn’t almost put out Hugh Jackman’s eye at the Sydney Oprah House, she deserves to be whacked for being so cheezy, hormonal, and annoying. O’whack.
5. Vladimir Putin — Seriously. If we see the guy topless while fishing, or killing a bear or seducing a horse just one more time, the gloves are really going to come off. And besides, what does the guy do any more? He still runs Russia, doesn’t he? So what’s with his nipples all over the place? Figure out your sexuality behind closed doors, comrade dude. Whacksky.
4. Former lovebirds Mel and Oksana Gibson. OK, they’ll have to stand really close together to get whacked with one stroke of the mallet. Maybe closer than their collective 10,000 divorce lawyers will allow. But, when Mel is all likkered up, and Oksana is all “he bahroke my teeth and keeked my beautiful Russian buttooskies“, you are duty bound to get them simultaneously whacked. Whack. Ditto.
3. Snooki — As difficult as it is to say, and evidence that I live WAY Down Under, I admit to having never seen Jersey Shore. Still, I can IMAGINE how awful that show is just by seeing video clips of her Snookiness. Even Whack-A-Moleing will not slow down someone with that I.Q. That mouth. And above all, that hair. But justice demands that it be done. Whack. Hair sproing. Whack. Hair sproing. Whack…
2. Nancy Pelosi & Co — If you are from a Red State. Even if you never voted. Even if you cannot spell D.C. (like Snooki), surely you must want to carefully position ol’ Nance in the Whac-A-Mole tube, probably next to Harry Reid and Barney Frank, and fill your pockets with tokens so you can stand there for hours, whacking the former Speaker of the House. In fact, whacking Nancy and her closest friends. (And this just in. Whack away MISTER Speaker.) Whack.
1. Jerry Jones – You either LOVE the Cowboys or HATE the Cowboys, who were America’s Team … in the last Century, back when the were winners. And if this year, you truly believed that the Boys were back, going to win Super Bowl XLV? At Home? In their new billion-dollar Jerry Dome? You were so screwed. And if you are a Cowboy-hater, then Merry Christmas to you. But on this point all right-thinking Americans can and must agree.
Jerry Jones is the MOST WHACKABLE PERSON OF 2010. Assume the position, Jerry.
(Dishonorable mentions: POTUS and FLOTUS, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Julian Assange, Richard Nixon (who’s way dead, but even so…), Cher, Brett Favre and his penis, Tiger Woods who is a penis, and Miley Cyrus who…
March 2011 — Whac-A-Mole Grand Prize Winner for 2011 Named 9 months early! Why? How could anyone possibly be more deserving of being Whac-A-Moled than Charlie “Tiger Blood” Sheen and his camp followers? Whack! Whack! Whack!