Americans are outraged at the TSA’s groping, fondling and neck-licking – and that’s in the travel agent’s office.
Here are 10 ways to go all Gandhi and peacefully topple the TSA regime by Christmas.
TSA Protest Actions
1. Men, remember Cool Runnings? The Jamaican bobsledder who kept his lucky egg tucked under his scrotum? Henceforth, all male flyers should carry two grade A eggs in their scrotums. Won’t that be fun when the TSA scans them? Better yet, when an enhanced pat-down breaks them, yoke starts drooling down your legs, and you scream in pain, “Auuuggghhhh! You’ve broken my testicles.”
2. Women, insist that male TSA staff do your enhanced pat-down. Do everything back to them that they do to you. With a big terrorist smile on your face, say, “My, you have such a small penis. Is this the only way you can meet women?”
3. Men, insist that trans-gender TSA staff do your enhanced pat-downs. Then scream, “Owwwee. You hurt my willie! Do it again!”
4. Women, ensure that you are searched by the shaken TSA staff member who was just subjected to the “small penis” claim in item 2. This time, when he touches you, at the top of your lungs cry out, “Rape! Rape! Rape! Just kidding! Ha! Ha!”
5. Women traveling with children. When the TSA agent makes a move to touch your child, rip open you blouse and say, “Do whatever you want to me, but leave my child alone.”
6. Men traveling with children. Take the more masculine tack by saying, “If you touch my child’s private parts, I will rip your arms off and beat you with the bloody stumps. And for legal reasons, let me stress that I am only kidding. Ha.”
7. For couples. Begin to disrobe as you approach the scanning machine. Loudly announce, “We are French, and we are doing an enhanced pat-down of each other. Would anyone like to join us? Especially Licky the Anti Terror Bee. Or a trained beagle.”
8. Wear dark sunglasses and a big sign around your neck that says, “I am blind, have bubonic plague and flesh-eating bacteria.” Try to French kiss any nearby TSA agent directly on the mouth.
9. If you do NOT want to join in this peaceful protest, follow the passenger in item 8 who will be given a very wide berth.
10. Men and women, get right in the face of the TSA staff member from items 2 & 4 and proclaim, “I am from the Obama Administration and I want to have the TSA’s children. Take me now. Baby. Baby. Baby.” (Note: the Justin Bieber lyrics will cause all tweenies within 100 yards to squeal at 150 decibels, further enhancing this moment).
If enough Americans join in this passive resistance, most TSA staff will have a nervous breakdown within a week, making it MUCH easier to fly over the holidays.
For additional information about the TSA’s neck-licking protocol and beagles, click
Here for Neck-licking Anti-terror Screening
Here for Big Sis Calls Emergency Staff Meeting in Washington
Here for TSA & Hookers Battle Terrorists and Do Prostate Checks
Here for TSA Named in Class-action Paternity Suit by ACLU – “Their DNA is all over it, if you get our drift.”
Remember to go here for Hog Tweets.