Harried and abused TSA staff have threatened to walk off the job following nation-wide “opt-out” protests, but Big Sis says she’ll have the nation’s flank covered if there is a strike.
“We’ve been in contact with the unions representing prostitutes at all major centers across America. We are confident that with intense training, these professionals can keep terrorists from boarding a plane. After all, who better to conduct enhanced pat-downs and cavity searches than hookers who do this for a living, and frequently at rates upwards of $500 an hour,” said Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano.
And in a surprise move, TSA announced that it has been working closely with the Department of Health and Human Services on a new Obamacare joint initiative. TSA staff are being cross-trained to check passengers for hidden explosives and prostrate cancer at the same time.
“Once you’re wearing a rubber glove, and passengers have assumed the position, they are open to a range of Obamacare options,” said Ms Napolitano.
The Obama administration continues to back the TSA despite a growing public backlash and the First Lady’s embarrassing refusal to allow herself or her children to be pat-down when they traveled on a private airline last week. Her refusal caused consternation within TSA and on Capitol Hill, but TSA officials were circumspect about the matter.
“I mean, she is the First Lady. And have you seen the guns on that woman? She could snap your neck like a pencil!”
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