TSA Named in Class-action Paternity Suit

The TSA has been named in a class-action paternity suit after thousands of airline passengers fell pregnant following enhanced pat downs at major U.S. airports.

“Because of media coverage, we knew that TSA staff were groping and neck-licking passengers, but we only recently learned how far they were going in the name of ‘national security’,” according to the American Civil Liberties Union.

The ACLU began receiving reports of mass impregnations in September, and last month it began widespread DNA testing of pregnant passengers.

“The TSA’s fingerprints are all over it, if you know what we mean,” the ACLU said.

The group has requested a court order forcing Big Sis herself, Janet Napolitano, and all TSA screeners to take paternity tests ASAP.

“We hope to get a ruling within the next trimester.”

The TSA declined to do an interview but did issue the following statement:

“Four out of five Americans say they would rather be knocked up by TSA than blown up by a terrorist. With that said, we deny that any paternity resulted from enhanced pat-downs or the occasional TSA office party and body cavity probe.

For other TSA news click:

Here for Topple TSA protest plan
Here for Neck-licking terror checks
Here for TSA & Hookers Battle terrorists and do prostate checks
Here for TSA crisis staff meeting in Washington

Remember to go here for Hog Tweets.

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4 Responses to “TSA Named in Class-action Paternity Suit”

  1. Will the tsa pay child support ?

    • hams says:

      Yes but authorities are having trouble getting a recent DNA sample from Big Sis. They’ve darted her several times, but she has the constitution of a cow… Using a harpoon next time.

  2. jimmy says:

    makes me want to drink alchoholic beverages

  3. Big Sis says:

    Do you have your TSA frequent flier card? Good. Swipe your card, bend over and say “Ahhhh.” Then you may board. Just leave your underwear in my handbag.

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