Waco Twinkies and Police Chief Porn

I really have no idea why the Waco police hated me.

But it might have had something to do with a story I wrote.

I found out that an idiot lieutenant was running a bank stakeout. And the more I found out, the more it seemed like Barney Fife was in charge.

My editors were afraid that bank customers might get shotgunned by numerous Barneys even if the bank robbers never showed up. So we ran the story on Page 1.

The bank got real quiet after that, and the police never forgave me for ruining their surprise party.

But the cops’ hatred for the Waco Tribune-Herald started way before I appeared on the scene over thirty years ago.

The biggest hatred was reserved for a throwback police reporter who I shall call “Dick”. Because he was one.

But, man, could he ever find out about secret stuff. Like Twinkies and Police Chief Porn.

Back then, the Waco Police Department was somewhat lacking in “professional police behavior.”

Cops on the street had such contempt for the police chief that there was a concerted effort to give him a mental breakdown.

Death by 1,000 Twinkies!

The chief’s car had those long rectangular door handles that you reached under and lifted up with your fingers. They were perfect for hiding a Twinkie.

The chief could never tell whether he had been booby-trapped unless he opened his door. So this was beeg fun to secretly watch from a distance, using department-issued surveillance gear, especially if the chief’s job was to drive the Mayor around that day.

While the Twinkies were funny, Police Chief Porn was exponentially funnier.

This was before the internet. It was a time when the only porn was really bad porn in really crappy magazines.

But when closeup photos of the police chief were placed on the porn star bodies – those “doing” and those “being done” – you had in your hands the best porn humor in the cop universe.

Joseph Wambaugh would have been proud. And the cops on the street were delirious.

Sadly, it was not so hysterically funny to the badly aging police chief, who had developed high blood pressure and a nervous twitch.

He ordered his favorite lieutenant, the one whose lips were surgically attached to his butt, to find the perpetrators and punish them.

He couldn’t actually fire a street cop for the porn or Twinkie incidents, but he could make them work every nightshift, weekend and holiday for the rest of their lives AND do double-shifts on whore duty in East Waco.

Which was way worse than being fired. Or death.

Kilroy Porn

Dick, the legendary Waco Tribune-Herald police reporter, had of course learned about all of this.

He knew about the Twinkies, the Police Chief Porn and, best of all, Stall Wars.

Have you ever heard the World War II phrase Kilroy Was Here? Well, there was a talented street cop graffiti artist who created a Kilroy-like character to ridicule the police chief. His medium was toilet stall walls in the police station.

And his Kilroy featured something that was way long, but it was not his nose.

Every time the Chief, or any cop, did their business in the police station’s stalls, they could enjoy the latest adventures of the Police Chief ala Kilroy.

Tensions escalated over weeks and months between the chief, his lieutenant, patrol sergeants caught in the middle, and the growing team of ninja Twinkie Porn Kilroy patrol cops who were united in their effort to drive the Chief insane.

The coup de grâce centred came with an epic batch of graffiti on the stall wall.

It wasn’t so much the graffiti itself that was epic. It was the chief and his lieutenant’s bright idea to dismantle the toilet stalls and send them to the Department of Public Safety lab in Austin for handwriting analysis.

Then the handwriting on the stalls would be compared against the handwriting of every single cop on the force, until the mocking, disrespectful, ninja Kilroys had been caught, convicted and sentenced.

It was a tactically brilliant plan that was certain to work.

Except that ace reporter Dick found out about it. His story ran on Page 1 for everyone in town to read. Oh, and I think the Associated Press sent the story around the world, too.

Wasn’t long before there was a new police chief in Waco. Funny that.

Click here for more sordidly wonderful tales from Waco.

.

 

 

Share



2 Responses to “Waco Twinkies and Police Chief Porn”

  1. Kris says:

    Really?

    Handwriting analysis? Really?

    Not so long ago, under the command of a brand new principal, some students at my daughters’ school wrote some unpleasantries on the bathroom wall. The brand new principal went insane with the need to identify the culprits.

    He visited every class.

    He passed out anonymous slips of paper on which all of the students were asked to name their guesses as to the identity of the graffiti artists.

    He checked bathroom records (the students are required to sign in and out of class to use the bathroom).

    He identified likely culprits and then rounded them up and questioned them.

    He identified the friends of the likely culprits and rounded them up and questioned them.

    He made impassioned pleas to the students in specially called assemblies.

    The students laughed their ASSES off, and no one ratted anyone out.

    The principal never recovered from this debacle.

    If ONLY he had thought to do handwriting analysis.

    Poor man.

    • hams says:

      Exactly. There is just no way President Obama would have made it to the White House without sending stall walls to the FBI for hand-writing analysis. I mean, it’s what great leaders do… Wait.

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge

Share This